However, following that day whihch will forever be engraved in my mind, back in May, a year and a half ago...when I made that crucial and life-changing decision, to give myself to recovery. Since that day, I made a conscious effort to incorporate a more varied range of foods into my diet. And I openly acknowledged to myself thaat there was, indeed, many foods which I - or should that be, ED - had purposely banned me from eating, but which secretly, I did not dislike. And overall, my endeavors were successful. I always think the best thing to come out my exertions here...was discovering my love for two foods which I nowadays simply could NOT live without...those being, of course, CHEESE and PEANUT BUTTER. I absolutely adore both of these, and it seems so strange to me now to think that at one time, I did not eat them, at all: I denied myself of them, as I did of many other foods.
But there remain - particularly since my relapse - certain foods which I know, if I was 100 % honest with myself, I purposely avoid or feign dislike of , but which, in reality, I do not dislike or find unappealing. Together, they constitute my fear food list, which I am going to share with you now.
Fear Food List...
- Savoury tarts like cheese and onion tart...I had these in the hospital and enjoyed them alot, but since then I haven't touched them. We had a buffet a few Saturdays ago for dinner and among all of the other tempting foods set out on the table was a cheese and onion quiche mam had got from tesco. But of course...I didnt have any. So next time, I am realy hoping I will have the courage to do just that. And I will be able to make my own ones then too!! ;)
- Croissants: wouldn't be a massive fan of them, but there is something mouthwatering about the smell of them, and there have been a few times when I have made these at home and have been tempted to sample one of them, but of course was put off by ED once more.
- Crisps..as you know, I am a true chocaholic in every sense of the word..let's just say I am probably one of those people with sweet teeth as opposed to a sweet tooth. ;) so in all honesty, crisps aren't really my thing particularly, but yet, I know deep down I don't dislike them, either, and that it is more ED talking to me when I say to others "oh I dont like crisps, no thank you" on being offered one out of a bowl or a packet.
- Chips..I dont know, if they are a proper fear food, as I have eaten them in the past. But I guess I do avoid them, in a way, and I know for a fact that it's not a dislike thing as I think there is something really scrummy about a crispy, salty potato chip.
- Muesli/Alpen..I love muesli and used to eat it regularly..in hospital however I unfortunately happened to overhear other patients talking about muesli in a really negative way (we won't go into detail!! :( ) that beame etched in my mind and I have avpided it ever since. Which is stupid, as muesli/granola is not unhealthy and there are no such things as "bad" foods, etc. I know all that. As usual, ED has latched onto justone small tiny little thing and has augmented it into something vast ad terrifying. This has affected my consumption of granola and muesli bars too and I want to change this :'( I really do as I love those sort of things and they make such yummy snacks.
- Mashed potatoes, cauliflower cheese. Crepes. Cheese puffs (or wotsits, I think they used to be called? ;) ) and bread with cheese baked on the inside. There are other random things, but these are the ones which are coming to mind now.
- There are certain lunches which I know that I genuinely love, but which I still have not managed to eat or make for myself. These being things like baked beans on toast, poached or a soft boiled egg on toast, a baked potatoe with cheese and a salad...things which I did have back in my hospital days, but which, since my relapse, i have not touched.
- Certain snacks with my hot choc...as you already know, I have had success in this area as far as scones are concerned. My next objective is to have hot choc and a lovely toasted hot cross bun this week.
- There are certain meals that I still find very difficult and avoid if I can. Spaghetti bolognaise, fish gratin, fajitas, to name a few. So I need to tackle these in the same way I intend on taking on my lunch challenges.
- One thing I absolutely love as a snack, or for part of breakfast...bagels!! Wholemeal, seeded or multigrain, I adore these lovable ring shaped breads, so soft and fluffy on the inside, while still maintaining that distinctive and irresitable chewiness which is part and parcel of their charm. And toasted with spread and peanut butter..? *hearththrob!!* but again, something else that I have been avoiding
- I love Miller rice (especially the strawberry ones...yummm ;) ) but again, since leaving the hospital...I've studiously avoided them :( and a Miller Rice would be a perfect snack for me to have when i'm on the go or at college or whatever.
- MAKE HOMEMADE GRANOLA (stilll haven[t got round to doing it..ahh!! :o) and have it for breakfast one day with warm milk AND my toast afterwards of course.
- On Christmas Eve we will be having cauliflower cheese so I will have the chance to test myself here too.
- And this weekend have either a scone or a hot cross bun as a snack with hot choc. :)