At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Sunday, 13 December 2015

The Branches of Recovery: My Meal Plan

The first two of my branches, I suppose, are the ones which I am currently addressing at the moment. These two branches divide out into lots of different little stems, each of which must be tended to individually and with equal importance. Not one little segment of recovery should ever be neglected.

And so how am I going to about making sure that I continue to follow my meal plan correctly...and not shoot off course as I did the last time.

1.)Plan out in food diary: designate a particular time of the week (ie Friday afternoon for me :) to write out what I will eat for each day.

This is important for a number of reasons. Firstly of course because in writing it down I know exactly what I will have and when; there isn't any indecisiveness or uncertainty. As we all know, ED thrives in such situations.
And also, I did make Mam aware that I am keeping a food diary...I didn't ask her directly to check it now and again, which I wish I could do, very much, as I know how much easier it would be for me if I knew that she would be definitely monitoring my food intake.But anyway, i know that she is aware of it...and I have been leaving it around, quite visibly, on top of my piles of college papers and other accumulations of various bits of junk lying in various positions around the house!! So she could very easily look at it, anytime. Now, I know what you are probably thinking now: that by not asking her directly for support, I am listening to my eating disorder as there is nothing more ED hates more than being put out in the open . But I can honestly say, hand on heart, this is not the whole truth. My prolem lies in that I never made my family fully aware of how I completely slipped off track in regards to the meal plan...I was extremely secretive about it, to say the least, and successfully concealed the real truth og things for months on end - and I am, needless to say, still very, very afraid of their reaction if they were to find out the whole truth. :'(
I hope that one day I will have the courage to tell her, and that she will be able to forgive me. I regret the deciet and the concealment with all my heart. Because my Mam, my wonderful, amazing, one in a million Mam...means more than the world to me. More than the universe, more than life itself. All I can do is take that guilt and the deep love I possess for my Mam, my family, my friends, my loved ones...and  use it to drive me on, drive me on when the rain pours down and the clouds gather together to block out the light. But this time, I will not lose hope...this time, I will carry on. orm may rage and the rain may fall...But instead of running from that storm, i will laugh in its face and dance in that rain. Let Ed say what it likes...this time, I will not let it steal away the rainbow that will appear in my sky. <3 xxx

We CAN reach that beautiful horizon... <3 xxx

2.)write out meal plan and stick on noticeboard in the kitchen...yes, as that's where everyone will be able to see it, everyone will know exactly what Emmy is supposed to be having...and there will be nowhere left for ED to hide. 
So that's what I am planning on doing, this evening..wriitng out my lovely, consice, no-nonsesnse meal plan , with lots of colours and smiley faces...and it will be stuck up on that oard by this evening!! Haha I might as well put up a pic of my master piece when its done, right? ;)

3.)Incorporate a number of different foods into my diet, so I never get bored of anything. I want to learn to love food again, see it no longer as an enemy; to be feared and rigidly controlled. No - I want to recognise it as something to be shared, enjoyed, and loved. :)

4.)Keep up my weekly goals in alliance with the meal plan so I am constantly challenging myself.
5.)Always bear in mind, The basic outline of the meal plan:
Breakfast, morning snack, lunch, afternoon snack, dinner, bedtime snack.
This has to always bbe stuck to every day, no exceptions.

6.)Remember that for now, I cannot rely on hunger cues/intuitive eating.
The body's system gets a bit messed up when we don't eat will take a while for it to settle down and begin to trust its owner once again.

7.) Write out my Golden Rules and Never Forgets...
Currently working on these...more on that to follow!!

                            Allow your recovery to grow...

And to finish off on a positive note. For my afternoon snack yesterday I had one of my blackberry scones(which I had made back in September but again, had not allowed myself to eat) AND...I did it myself. Granted, Mam was there at the same time - she had made teas for everyone and a hot choc for me <3, and said aloud across to her from the kitchen, "Mam, I don't know what to have for my snack..any ideas?" "I thought you were going to have one of those scones!! There's a load of them in the freezer." Seized with sudden bravado, I quickly hurried to the freezer, dug out the bulging bag in question, and before I knew it I was sitting down by the fire with my hot choc in one hand, and my plate with the buttered scone in the other.

One thing I have learnt from today then, I suppose, is that I can get support from those around me, but in a way which doesn't make me completely dependent - just a little helping hand to guide me along. Also, and I will be sure to do this in the future too - take full advantage of people being around and make sure I always eat my snack with everyone else, not sitting in my room or somewhere out of sight - as then,ED isn't given any opportunity to take advantage.

Here's a little quote I found on Facebook yesterday...
just as a reminder for all of us, to realise just how strong we really are... <3

Have the best Sunday ever everyone...good luck, and stay strong... <3 xxx


  1. Dear Emily,
    the "conflict", to ask for help from your mother...think I understand quite well, you don` t want to disappoint her, be sad...but I think you also want to be kind of "independent"... I´m sure she loves you so much and would do anything to help you and if you can take her help try to "accept" are such a strong girl and deserve every help against this illness!!
    But I really liked your scone- story, that was a very good way to deal...!
    Oh, Emily, I `m struggeling so much concerning my boyfriend, don`t know if this relationship "keeps me ill", I´m so afraid to loose him, but on the other hand I don`t know if I really want to spend my future life with him...but I have to become strong and be able to decide and to decide independent- not let anorexia or others decide. I wish I would know what is right, if I am unfair, know, what i feel...this "occupation" influences so much every corner of life...
    Wired message again, hope you kind of understand...
    I wish you all my best, you are really in my heart ( I fear my former English teacher would kill me for all my formulations...urgg!)
    Hugs and have a nice evening,

    1. <3 oh thank you dear, I really do agree with you, with everything you say! But I have reached out to her, sort of, over the weekend..I have opened up to her a bit more about my struggles; not the full truth, but as I say, I hope that one day I will have the courage to <3
      I really do understand you dear, I wish I could help you with all my heart, but I would strongly urge you hun to think it all through...there is no point in hanging on, if it is costing you your health hun..always remember you cannot put a price on your health, there is someone out there for all of us and if he is making ill or unhappy, it might be time to let go..
      all my love,
      Emmy xxx

  2. Huuuuuuun <3 I am so proud of you for blogging all of this and being so honest to us your readers :) I think it takes so much courage to write all of this out which Miss Mager forced/forbid us to do :( :S but you are on the right track now Emmy :) I am so happy you truly noticed this and being honest to all your beloved ones, means you now also are ready and able to be honest to YOURSELF =) and this makes me so happy to read ;) such a huge step in your recovery hun <3 keep this up and I know for sure: You can do it my hot chociiiii girleeeeee :) xxxxxx <3

    1. awww huni thank you so so much huni I really appreciate that so much <3 it was hard huni, revealing the whole awful truth, I wish with all my heart huni that I could tell everything to my loved ones, but I am so afraid huni of hurting them or making them angry :'( But anyway huni, I am determined to make it up to them, and destroy Miss Mager forever <3 we can do this together huni!! I am always here for you <3

      LOve you hunnnnnn <3 xxxxxxxxxxxxxx