At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...
I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)
Wednesday, 2 December 2015
Looking around me now...I guess I've been in this place before.
for me though, it feels as if, at times, that my regrets number more than my mermories, my joys, my thoughts themselves. So many ifs and buts and whys. So many tears, so much pain, and agony, and sorrow. And that aching, hollow emptiness clawing deep within my heart, it refuses to go away, and is with me, every day, as I look back on my life so far, and think about all the mistakes I have made.
If only I didn't go back to Trinity...
If only I had taken my loved ones advice...
If only I could be that high achiever that I used to be. But now, I'm just a nobody. Now, I have absolutely nothing.
If only I had nourished my body properly, over the past 9 years...9 years of starving and hurting my body...and now I have the skeleton of an old woman...
And that was the year...the year when it all began...
If only I had got help sooner.
If only I had not surrendered to ED's embrace, that day when it first ame into my life, all those years ago. :'(
It's true. I realise now, that this September, I did make a massive mistake, again. I chose to go back to Trinity. The option of taking another year off-books was there for me: so too, of course, was the option of never going back altogether. Once again, however, I let the Voice get the better of me...my inner critical voice. You should go back. You are a failure if you do not. It would be lazy and wrong to take another year out. Go back to coll. What else is there for you? I have to be a Trinity graduate. I have to. I won't go back on myself. I must. I should I have to -
College comes before recovery.
because deep down, I knew I was not ready, I knew that I was far, far from recovered. I knew that ED was still part of me; I knew that I was not, after all my struggling, free from the Voice in my Head.
Conversation between me and Ed yesterday.
I need to do this reading now...but first, I must eat my snack...
Don't you dare eat your snack. You dont need it. I mean, look at your stomach, its bloated and full. You only had breakfast two hours ago...you don't need to eat now, at all.
No..I must stick to my meal plan. Leave me alone...
No...you can't eat it...give it an hour and then see...you have to feel hungry to eat...
No...no...no...I need to eat this...I need to do my reading, Please, for Gods sake, just leave me alone.
I won't ever leave you Em. I am part of you and you are part of me.
The result of this dialogue?
Once again, I just sat there for an hour, book open before me, the words as meaningless and as incomprehensible to me as they would be in they be if they were inscribed in Arabic numerals.
And sitting in that library, surrounded by the silent forms of the other students engrossed in their , I felt that horrible, queasy sense of deja vú settle in my stomach. Because looking around me now, I know, I've been in this place before.
Feeling like the dumb, stupid, useless girl.
A little girl lost in a huge, massive, uncaring world.
It's true. Once again, it seems as if I have made a complete and utter mess of college.
But if I can't do college, if I can't pass my degree, if it turns out that I am destined to be the girl who failed.
At least I can say that I tried.
And that if I can't do college, if I can't pass my degree...
At least I can succeed in my recovery, find the real Emmy.Become the person I want to be, and destroy those feelings of failure, of self-doubt and self-hatred, destroy the Voice which is trying to pull me down, and destroy me.
Only one of us can win this battle.
It's either going to be me, or the Voice.