At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Wednesday, 2 December 2015

Looking around me now...I guess I've been in this place before.

Regrets. Ok, I guess everyone has them. Some, more than others.

for me though, it feels as if, at times, that my regrets number more than my mermories, my joys, my thoughts themselves. So many ifs and buts and whys. So many tears, so much pain, and agony, and sorrow. And that aching, hollow emptiness clawing deep within my heart, it refuses to go away, and is with me, every day, as I look back on my life so far, and think about all the mistakes I have made.

If only I didn't go back to Trinity...
If only I had taken my loved ones advice...
If only I could be that high achiever that I used to be. But now, I'm just a nobody. Now, I have absolutely nothing.

If only I had nourished my body properly, over the past 9 years...9 years of starving and hurting my body...and now I have the skeleton of an old woman...
                                          And that was the year...the year when it all began...

If only I had got help sooner.
If only I had not surrendered to ED's embrace, that day when it first ame into my life, all those years ago. :'(

It's true. I realise now, that this September, I did make a massive mistake, again. I chose to go back to Trinity. The option of taking another year off-books was there for me: so too, of course, was the option of never going back altogether. Once again, however, I let the Voice get the better of inner critical voice. You should go back. You are a failure if you do not. It would be lazy and wrong to take another year out. Go back to coll. What else is there for you? I have to be a Trinity graduate. I have to. I won't go back on myself. I must. I should I have to - 

College comes before recovery.

because deep down, I knew I was not ready, I knew that I was far, far from recovered. I knew that ED was still part of me; I knew that I was not, after all my struggling, free from the Voice in my Head.

Conversation between me and Ed yesterday.

I need to do this reading now...but first, I must eat my snack...
Don't you dare eat your snack. You dont need it. I mean, look at your stomach, its bloated and full. You only had breakfast two hours don't need to eat now, at all.
No..I must stick to my meal plan. Leave me alone... can't eat it...give it an hour and then have to feel hungry to eat... need to eat this...I need to do my reading, Please, for Gods sake, just leave me alone.
I won't ever leave you Em. I am part of you and you are part of me.

The result of this dialogue?

Once again, I just sat there for an hour, book open before me, the words as meaningless and as incomprehensible to me as they would be in they be if they were inscribed in Arabic numerals.

And sitting in that library, surrounded by the silent forms of the other students engrossed in their , I felt that horrible, queasy sense of deja vĂș settle in my stomach. Because looking around me now, I know, I've been in this place before.

Feeling like the dumb, stupid, useless girl.

A little girl lost in a huge, massive, uncaring world.

It's true. Once again, it seems as if I have made a complete and utter mess of college.

But if I can't do college, if I can't pass my degree, if it turns out that I am destined to be the girl who failed.

At least I can say that I tried.
And that if I can't do college, if I can't pass my degree...
 At least I can succeed in my recovery, find the real Emmy.Become the person I want to be, and destroy those feelings of failure, of self-doubt and self-hatred, destroy the Voice which is trying to pull me down, and destroy me.

Only one of us can win this battle.
It's either going to be me, or the Voice.


  1. Oh, Emily,
    you HAVE to recover first...!!!
    Don`t spoil the next years...
    I had to break up 2 times my university studies... and now, started again, but it is not possible yet...I want to, but my concentration is at 0...and as soon as I m sitting there, I get migrains...and I don`t want to become addicted to medication for pain again...
    Emily, we all make mistakes, but for you, you have to become strong again first... and then, let`s see...Iknow, it is just easy to say.....
    I know them so well, the regrets, the fear, that I have totally destroyed my mind and ability to think.
    You are such a lovely person, TAKE CARE, like I would like to do for you...;) no, really...!!!

    1. oh hun :'( I would give anything to go back in time hun and change everything..but I feel as if it is too late now for me to turn back, as I have paid the fees for the college year (they are, of course, is so expensive here :'( )

      But I know now hun, that I should never, ever prioritise college work before recovery, I keep this in mind every day now..if college doesn't work out, then that is how it is meant to be...I am just going to let it go hun, it's out of my hands now. What is meant to be will be, I am a firm believer in that now hun <3

      Thank you so much hun, you have made me smile again , please take care too and all my love to you hun <3 xxxx

  2. Dearest Emmy, stop making regrets, it is this terrible voice that whispers in your head and tell you that you have failed. I know your feelings so well, I have lost 20 years and it makes me cry, because I never got to know my real me, so who am I? Why didn't I do the right things, why haven't I been better in everything, why have I always been such an idiot! But..all these thoughts don't help, try to live for your future, a wonderful future together with your loved ones, and don't listen to the voice that tells you bad things about your past. You will live your future life as the real Emmy, this wonderful, beautiful and warm-hearted young lady we all love.
    Please take care, love Maria

    1. Oh hun this brought tears to my eyes!! Thank you so, so much hun <3 and please, I say the same right back to you - never think for one instant you are a nobody hun. I can tell you now that you are on of the kindest, most thoughtful, gentle, loveliest people I know. You deserve every happiness hun, never let those regrets get to you <3 All my love hun <3 xxxx

  3. Emily. You can't look back and ask why. I've stopped doing this a long time ago. Having this disorder is absolute torture and you can't waste your energy on why, how, etc. after 35 years of asking these questions I ask myself why won't I allow myself to get well. I know the answer - fear of failure, of proving my dad was right- what if I fail. Please look to the future Emily. I look at it this way, it's never to late- yes there will be setbacks- that's what recovery is. It's how you deal with it. Get back up and keep fighting and the thoughts will slowing lose their strength. Sending love to you and I so understand but people are here to support and love you through this. You are important and so worth it! X

    1. Oh hun, you are so wise and insightful. Your comment really made me think and I now feel so much better about it all. You are right hun, life is too short to live with regret. Thank you for helping me to see the light again hun <3 I can't express how much this means to me. I feel incredibly lucky to have a friend like you there to support and cheer me makes all the difference hun, it really does. All my love to you Sonya <3 xxxx