No...this post is for everyone out there, who is struggling. My heart and soul go out to you now. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Just please...if there is one thing that you must never, ever forget, it is this: Please know you are not alone. You might feel as if you, and only you, are the only person out there today, on the 26th of december,2015, the day after Christmas as we know it...who is struggling, who is feeling lost, alone, trapped in despair. You are not alone. I am right there with you and I am struggling, too. But together,we can and will get through this.
Through believing in ourselves and finding our inner strength. Through refusing to give in, no matter what the storm may hurl in our faces. No matter how many times we fall. Through facing those fears directly, tackling them head on. Through telling that Voice, when it tries to tel you that this is it, you can't go on, to go and f*** itself, and that, for every hit and buffet it may give you, you will pick yourself up after every single one, and come back fighting, stronger and harder than ever. This is what I am telling myself, making myself believe, sitting here writing to you today..and I want you to believe it, too. Recovery is never going to be easy. But if there is one thing that I know now, it will be worth every single fight.
If you're ever feeling lonely, if you're ever feeling down,
you should know you're not the only one, because I feel it with you now. (A line from one of my favourite Kodaline songs <3)
As I had sort of expected, the past couple of days have been hard, for me. And another reminder, of just how many rules and regulations, constructed by ED, are present in my life; and of the extent to which they have such a powerful and extensive control over me. So many rules...after dinner yesterday, I felt so angry with myself, that I sat and wrote down every single little one of these rules...rules which I hadnt even realised were a rule, until now: now , it seems perfectly obvious, and I berate myself, again and again and again, for having not acknowledged it before.
It was after dinner, and we were about to have dessert. as usual, Mam had done me one of her amazing, utterly irresistible banana and custards - my alltime favourite dessert, and something I indulge in every evening, without fail. And this evening, it was m and s custard <3, lots of oreo chocolate, a couple of celebrations and a cadburys chocolate biscuit, all crushed up and scattered on top in one melting, heavenly bliss. Was the food the problem? No...on this occasion, not in the slightest. It was rather...something else. My custom after dinner , is always, always to go and sit by the fire with my divine dessert and to enjoy it while reading my blog or looking at something on my laptop or journals... and this was what I went to do, yesterday evening. Even though everyone else was still sitting at the table. Why didnt I just stop and think..hang on, Em. Why are you going to sit alone, whereas everyone else is still sitting together, eating their dessert and enjoying eachothers company?? But it didn't...it didn't even occur to me, that what I was doing was essentially wrong. I instantly got chastised for it, and told to come and sit with everyone else like a "normal " person. I felt like crying: I did cry, afterwards. I felt so stupid and babyish, but I felt like I had ruined everything, again.
A stupid little rule, I suppose, unconsciously made by ED? That I always have to eat dessert alone? But why..just, why? Why does it do this to me..why did I listen to it? Why didnt I see, at the time, that what I was doing was just plain rude and weird and stupid?
So many rules, so many chains: I feel so small, so stupid, so lost. like a little beetle, staring up at the massive, impossibly tall mountain, a mountain of sides so steep they appear almost impossible to ascend, a mountain whose beautiful top is so distant and so far, seemingly, so out of my desperate reach. to knowing how hard, how long, it is going to be, to get to the very top. But to the top I must go. I must try. I must try. Christmas Day 2015...tenth Christmas with ED. It's been too long. Too long. I have to break every single one of these chains.
So anyway...I have made my Christmassy goals..the first of which I have already achieved :D and I absolutely enjoyed it so much <3:
My Chirstmassy Goals :) <3 xxx
- Make TEACAKES <3 and toast them over the open fire..mmmmm <3 (we did this yesterday afternoon...og my goodness they were gorgeous. mam had told me before about how she used to go over to my great grandmother Capel when she was a small girl, to have toasted teacakes y the open fire. It was quite a hair raising feat, toasting them on the fire with a barbecue prong - but mammy did us all proud with her amazing efforts here!! :D
- To not let ED spoil..anything. to try and be bright and talkative at mealtimes, even if I am struggling with any anxiety. To eat the food which I want and which my body is craving. To enjoy this special time, at home with the people that I love. <3
- maybe try some new things over christmas, if i get the chance to.
- Spend some time thinking...about what it is I need to do, to make a real, true, concrete change. I am most certainly going to spend some time with my recovery "stuff" today ( I have numerous journal and folders!! :o
- Take full advantage of there being a lot more people around (granny, little bro and big sis are all home with me at the moment:) ) in maintaining my meal plan and sticking to it properly. No more meals/snacks etc eaten on my own. I also directly asked my mam to look at it yesterday evening...so she knows exactly what I need to be having, now, and at what time. I have decided to add in the morning snack as I was contemplated doing a few months back. It wil be hard and scary at first, I know, but I am determined to persevere.
But don't let one single stumble in the road, be the end of the journey.
One fall does not make you a failure. What matters is that you don't just lie there and see yourself as defeated; that every shard of hope is lost. What matters is that you get back up again and carry on, in the belief that even if the road is hard and bumpy and long., if you persevere; keep your head up, and refuse to give in, no matter what...it will not last forever.
My Christmas Wish for you, and anyone who is struggling...
I wish you all the strength, courage, and love in the world.
to overcome anything, which has ever tried to destroy or take away, your happiness, your freedom, your life. <3 xxx