The Breaking of the Chain...

It's so strange to think...that this is essentially my twenty second Christmas...and that, in a few days time, we will be bidding 2015 a final farewell, and welcoming in another new year.

 and, on a sadder note. this will be, in the twenty first year of my life...my tenth Christmas, with ED.

Because I know, after all, that for me, Christmas has always been different in many ways, then it might be for a happy, healthy person. Then it might have been if I was Emmy, not Emmy with an eating disorder.

But I am absolutely determined, this year...to give me all into making this the Christmas as special and as precious, as I have always wanted it to be. <3

I wish with all my heart that I knew, that I wasn't going to struggle with anything and that I would experience, during this magical and infinitely precious time of the year, that pure and untarnished happiness which I remember feeling deep within my heart, all those years ago when I was little more than a child.
But I am not a child, anymore...though there is a sharp, aching longing deep inside me, wishing that I could go back to that time. Wishing that I had never left those happy, blissful days of my childhood, and that everything had just stayed, the same.

But I know, that this is not a fairy tale, and that I am not a princess, and that the deepest and most longed for wish of my heart will never, of course, be granted.

But I know that by wishing and regretting, I will achieve nothing. All I can do now is to face this fear, this storm, head on. But it is just...so hard. I do not, in any way, feel any way more mature then I did all that time ago, when ED first came into my life. I still feel as small, as afraid, as lost.  and unsure of where to go. So...confused. It as if I am walking around in a fog.

I want to recover...but not for myself.
I know that I should gain weight...but the thought of that terrifies me..
I want to let go of ED, for ever...I want to be free, so badly...
but I don't know, if I can...because every single attempt I have made, every single time that I tried, it remained with me, dragging me down. ED and I, me and ED...tied together by strings of iron; a bond so deeply enmeshed, so , it would seem that they were never, or will never, be broken...

But I just want this all to be over. I sometimes catch tiny, fleeting glimpses...of what it was like, when I was free. What it could be like, to not have this storm inside my head...to not have these chains across my heart, pulling me down. Nothing could ever possibly be as heavy, as the weight of that sorrow, that pain, that despair that ED brought to me, with its snares.

I want 2016 to be the year...the year that I make that change.

But even as I write these words, my eyes become prickly with unshed tears, because I know, that this time last year...I promised myself the exact same thing. I thought 2015 would be, my year...the year when I freed myself, from ED. I truly believed that the...hospitalisation was going to end everything. that i would go in, and it would be hard, and horrible, and painful  But...but it would be worth it, in the end: because, it was going to heal me. I would come out...recovered. A new Emmy. But months later and here I am, and, though its pains me more than anything to say so, I know I am not recovered...that that all those months I spent there, did nothing, really, to heal me. That I am still Emmy with an eating disorder, and that, as I gaze upon the road of recovery which is now stretched out in front of me...I know that I still have a long, long way to go.

But I can't afford to lose hope...

Because even if life isnt a fairytale...that does not mean, that dreams can't ever come true.

And I know that I have everything I need to make this change and make 2016 my year..the year when I can prove to my eating disorder...that our time together is well and truly over. I know I have everything that I need, to do this. I have identified and recognised the branches of my recovery. And now I know, I need to put everything which I have learned, all of my insight and my strength and every shard of my determination...into beating, into defeating, once and for all, this monster which has long since stolen away so many individual parts and segments of my life: which has taken away, without remorse, so many years and so much happiness so many and has gave me nothing in return, but a broken heart, a broken body, and a broken soul.

But now it's time for me, to be the one who does the breaking.

For now has come the time for me to break those chains and cast them away forever...

And I know that with the destruction of those chains..those snares which have held me down for so, so long...I will be able to realise my dreams, become the person I want to be. And even though right now the dreams that I have, seem so tiny, so impossible, so far away..I know, that there are within my reach...but my hands have always been held back, by these chains...

But I know that we can, and will, break them...

We are stronger then we might think...

It is time to break the chain...

Another of my favourite memories from the year which was 2015...
me and Benny, free together in the daisies. <3 xxx