At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Thursday, 24 December 2015

The Breaking of the Chain...

It's so strange to think...that this is essentially my twenty second Christmas...and that, in a few days time, we will be bidding 2015 a final farewell, and welcoming in another new year.

 and, on a sadder note. this will be, in the twenty first year of my tenth Christmas, with ED.

Because I know, after all, that for me, Christmas has always been different in many ways, then it might be for a happy, healthy person. Then it might have been if I was Emmy, not Emmy with an eating disorder.

But I am absolutely determined, this give me all into making this the Christmas as special and as precious, as I have always wanted it to be. <3

I wish with all my heart that I knew, that I wasn't going to struggle with anything and that I would experience, during this magical and infinitely precious time of the year, that pure and untarnished happiness which I remember feeling deep within my heart, all those years ago when I was little more than a child.
But I am not a child, anymore...though there is a sharp, aching longing deep inside me, wishing that I could go back to that time. Wishing that I had never left those happy, blissful days of my childhood, and that everything had just stayed, the same.

But I know, that this is not a fairy tale, and that I am not a princess, and that the deepest and most longed for wish of my heart will never, of course, be granted.

But I know that by wishing and regretting, I will achieve nothing. All I can do now is to face this fear, this storm, head on. But it is hard. I do not, in any way, feel any way more mature then I did all that time ago, when ED first came into my life. I still feel as small, as afraid, as lost.  and unsure of where to go. So...confused. It as if I am walking around in a fog.

I want to recover...but not for myself.
I know that I should gain weight...but the thought of that terrifies me..
I want to let go of ED, for ever...I want to be free, so badly...
but I don't know, if I can...because every single attempt I have made, every single time that I tried, it remained with me, dragging me down. ED and I, me and ED...tied together by strings of iron; a bond so deeply enmeshed, so , it would seem that they were never, or will never, be broken...

But I just want this all to be over. I sometimes catch tiny, fleeting glimpses...of what it was like, when I was free. What it could be like, to not have this storm inside my not have these chains across my heart, pulling me down. Nothing could ever possibly be as heavy, as the weight of that sorrow, that pain, that despair that ED brought to me, with its snares.

I want 2016 to be the year...the year that I make that change.

But even as I write these words, my eyes become prickly with unshed tears, because I know, that this time last year...I promised myself the exact same thing. I thought 2015 would be, my year...the year when I freed myself, from ED. I truly believed that the...hospitalisation was going to end everything. that i would go in, and it would be hard, and horrible, and painful  But...but it would be worth it, in the end: because, it was going to heal me. I would come out...recovered. A new Emmy. But months later and here I am, and, though its pains me more than anything to say so, I know I am not recovered...that that all those months I spent there, did nothing, really, to heal me. That I am still Emmy with an eating disorder, and that, as I gaze upon the road of recovery which is now stretched out in front of me...I know that I still have a long, long way to go.

But I can't afford to lose hope...

Because even if life isnt a fairytale...that does not mean, that dreams can't ever come true.

And I know that I have everything I need to make this change and make 2016 my year..the year when I can prove to my eating disorder...that our time together is well and truly over. I know I have everything that I need, to do this. I have identified and recognised the branches of my recovery. And now I know, I need to put everything which I have learned, all of my insight and my strength and every shard of my determination...into beating, into defeating, once and for all, this monster which has long since stolen away so many individual parts and segments of my life: which has taken away, without remorse, so many years and so much happiness so many and has gave me nothing in return, but a broken heart, a broken body, and a broken soul.

But now it's time for me, to be the one who does the breaking.

For now has come the time for me to break those chains and cast them away forever...

And I know that with the destruction of those chains..those snares which have held me down for so, so long...I will be able to realise my dreams, become the person I want to be. And even though right now the dreams that I have, seem so tiny, so impossible, so far away..I know, that there are within my reach...but my hands have always been held back, by these chains...

But I know that we can, and will, break them...

We are stronger then we might think...

It is time to break the chain...

Another of my favourite memories from the year which was 2015...
me and Benny, free together in the daisies. <3 xxx


  1. Dear Emily, I pray for a glorious Christmas for you without stress and anxiety. Its Christmas morning here right now and getting ready for family to arrive. Stress in itself dealing with that. Had a wonderful morning opening presents with the kids and seeing their excitement. This is my 35th Christmas with ED. I feel disgusted with myself for not having the strength to overcome. This year is different - I have my meal plan and determined not to let ED ruin my day. So even though I feel bloated I will keep with the challenge. My psychiatrist said this week he didn't think I wanted it hard enough and believes if I really wanted I'm the one person who could do it. I know he's challenging me but at the time I felt like a failure. So even if I hate the putting on weight felling I must remind myself I don't see myself as others do. Emily I believe in you. One thing that has held me in bondage is my low self esteem. Work on that Emily. It's hard but when you do everything else may seem clearer. Think of the big picture - when your in the moment we never think of the future. You need to with every ounce of your body and mind push through the agony and torture and keep reminding yourself its a lie. It sounds as though your parents are supportive and love you dearly. Mine never understood and I went without support and was incredibly lonely which made me worse. Love your way xo

    1. Happy christmas to you too hun <3 thank you so, so much for your beautiful message. I really hope you have a lovely day. I know exactly how tough it can really be. Almost lonely, in a way, I have always found, because even though there are so many people around, it feels like I am separated from them by a hundred million miles; because noone can understand what we go through, and how such a happy and special time of the year can be fraught with so much fear and anxiety.
      It broke my heart to read how long you have been suffering with this. I really hope that you can use this knowledge to help motivate you into fighting ED once and for all. Please don't be so hard on yourself though Sonya. It is 100% not your fault..we didn't choose this, no matter how others might make us feel, we never chose to become sick. All we can do is say now: I choose recovery and I choose to give it all that I have.
      I am in the exact same position as you hun..the bloating is so hard..but we just need to keepin mind, it is only our bodies' way of protecting itself now that it is finally getting the nourishment it needs, and the bloating will get easier and go away eventually - if we persevere and keep up our intake! I really hope you have a lovely, peaceful, beautiful day Sonya <3 you deserve every happiness. I believe in YOU too. We can do this together! All my love to you hun <3 xxx

  2. Merry Christmas beautiful. 2016 will be YOUR year, the year you make those changes to create yourself a wonderful life. I believe in you, start believing in yourself <3 Take care and enjoy the rest of what I hope has been a wonderful day xxx

    1. <3 aww hun thank you so, so much..truly hun that means so so much <3 i hope you had a lovely day too hun, thank you so so much for all your support and friendship over the course of this year hun <3 all my love and happy christmas dear <3 xxx