At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Wednesday, 9 December 2015

Nurture it like a flower, let it branch out; let it blossom... Allow your recovery to grow.

 I really cant stress enough how helpful making goals has been for me since beginning to work on my relapse. And if you are in recovery I would strongly recommend you do the same, too. Because recovery is more than just waking up one day and saying to yourself, ok, today I am going to eat and make myself better. No, of course, its never going to be as simple as that.

Recovery can be compared to I suppose, the struggles of a young shoot pushing through a rocky soil. The shoot has to be constantly regenerating and strengthening itself: ever growing, ever renewing, becoming stronger and stronger and branching out as it pushes through the earth, reaching for that beautiful light; the light which represents life and energy and vitality.

But that same shoot can't just rely on one single sprout to keep it moving upwards. It has to branch out, develop a network of stems and shoots and roots, in order for it grow and develop to its full potential. So that little shoot becomes a beautiful flower...a flower which will open its buds and blossom in that beautiful sunlight. <3 xxx

As is the case for recovery. You can't just take one aspect of the recovery process, and spend all your time, energy and focus on that single one branch. "today I am going to work on my recovery: I am going to have a good breakfast". That's good, but...what about lunch? What about your snacks? What about resisting the urges to purge or compensate or overexercise?? When ED takes hold, it takes absolutely no prisoners: it is ruthless in its authority. But so too do we have to be, when confronting it. Though it is probably not in any of our natures not be merciful..we CAN'T afford to be compassionate, when it comes to driving out ED. We cannot afford to show it one scrap or inch of mercy.

I know this. I know this, with every inch of my soul and every beat of my heart...but now, I just need to put that knowledge and awareness into practice. My friend told me that I am clearly not quite angry enough with the Voice yet, the days I allow it to get the better of me. So its time to stop being pitiful and submissive, when it comes to fighting ED. It time to start being angry, and using that anger to my advantage, against my greatest ever enemy.

And so, for my next post, I thought I would  share with you The Branches of Recovery I need to Work on...and how exactly I am going to tackle these. :) <3 xxx

And of course, I thought I might start writing little previews perhaps once or twice a week, in order to charter my progress and motivate me into keeping mygoals, in order for my recovery progress to keep on growing and growing. I hope I have inspired you to give this a go, too, and to nurture your recovery with me, and allowing it to blossom and grow. <3 xxx


  1. Dear Emily, that is exactly the point: become CONCRETE about our changes...and then do it and not compensate...!
    It is too easy to be polite to ED " Voice", but we still have our "mind" (I hope!).
    I hope so much that you are ok, I wish you all my best, you CAN do it,
    would be very "curious" about your progresses, if you don` t mind I would also tell you alittle about mine...
    Have a good day, I really looking forward to every post of you and wish we will stay strong and not give up.
    Bisous ;), and hugs!

    1. <3 hello dear! yes, exactly Theresa...we still have the strength deep inside us to go against the "Voice"; we are still in control of our own mind, regardless of whether or not we believe this ourselves. We are in control of our thoughts, not the other way round - we CAN choose to oppose that Voice!!
      I would love to hear of your progress too Theresa <3 please feel free to send me anything or write on here how you are getting on!! I'll be writing a little update tomorrow on here anyway with all my news! ;)
      Stay strong dear, all my love, thank you so so much for reading my blog and for your beautiful words and thoughts, I love getting comments from you every single one of them really is so special :* all my love, take care, Emmy xxx