At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Sunday, 20 December 2015

The maze and the mountain.

For me, one of the most difficult obstacles in my struggles against the Voice of my Eating Disorder has always been my lack of motivation to recover, on account that, aside from the love I bear for those in my life who are closest to me, that I always felt as if I had nothing to recover for.

This type of thinking got significantly worse when I started at Trinity. When I was at school, my eating disorder was kept in a state of semi-containment: i had a goal, a specific aim, in my head the whole time, which kept me off, to some extent, that bloodstained path of self-destruction upon which I suddenly found myself stumbling upon, that day when I left my home in September 2012. the day when I was all set to embark upon a new chapter in my life, away from the insular, warm, safe world of my home.

I have to eat as little as possible, now. Because being skinny is the only one thing, that I have left.
I am not smart, intelligent, beautiful, funny, athletic, studious, talented in any kind of way...

And now, you have lost that one thing that you did have...
you're no longer the grade a student...everyone here is a hundred times better than you. 

being thin, being the skinny one...that's all that I have left.

This was the kind of thing...that I told myself every day. And which I fully believed, heart and soul...which I recognised and acknowledged as the ultimate truth.

And so the two years dragged on, two difficult and painful years full of panic, anxiety, tears and relentless restriction. Because by this time it came so naturally to me; and not once did I stop to consider just what the consequences of my actions could be; stop, to contemplate for one instant, just how much damage I was wrecking upon my own body. And I no longer had that goal, that drive to propel me onwards. I looked no further than the present day, and perhaps, the day following that. And for one single, abominable purpose. my mind was wholly bent, on how, each day, I was would go about eating as little as possible; and how I would conceal my actions from the eyes of the world, and my loved ones. It fills me with shame to write this, but I know that it is the truth; that, for me, was my reality, every hour of every day. Whereas other girls my age in Trinity spent their time planning their future career prospects, perhaps, or where they would choose to go for their getogether on Saturday night... every thought, every priority, every motivation that ever really occured to wasn't my own, it was Ed's. I didn't think about my future; as far as I was concerned, there was nothing really there, anyway. I didn't see where I was going. I didn't realise where this path of self-destruction really led.

Now, things are different. But yet, in a way, some things remain the same.

It's true to say that the realisation of just how much damage I actually caused my body...

What remains unchanged, though, is the fact that I still don't really know where I am going; I still dont really know what I am recovering for...

Because I still see myself, as a lost cause. I feel like a little scrubby dandelion weed, growing precariously upon the steep, barren slope of  some beautiful yet cruelly hostile mountain. The dandelion struggles desperately to grow; but the elements are too harsh, the ground too hard, for it to grow. Further away from the slope grow the other beautiful mountain flowers: tall red poppies and glorious purple foxgloves, regal and exquisite, dainty bluebells. They are strong and successful and flourishing. But I am not, and never will be, one of them.

                                          At times, it feels like as if my life has become as lonely and as heavy as a mountain...

Perhaps, in another time and another place, I would have blossomed; but this is the modern world, and it breaks my heart to say it, but...I will never be like the others. I'm 21 now, and have been for several months, but to be honest, you would not know, if you were to attach a camera to me, and monitor what I do and how I conduct myself on a daily basis.

I still need mam, to look out for me. If it was not for her, i don't even think I would really be here, right now. She was, and still is, to a great extent, the backbone to my recovery... without her, I know it would have crumbled long ago.
I still need mam to sit with me at dinner, because I know that without her I wouldn't have enough and that i would stop eating before I was full. And though I don't really think she is aware of it,in that I haven't really told her...but it is for her and through her that I manage to beat off the Voice and win my little victories with my meal plan. When I had my scone last Sunday, for example...I don't think I would have managed it, if it wasn't for Mam being there. And at that moment I was so, so torn...I wanted to have that scone, but even more than that, I wanted her to get it for me - I didn't want to have to be the one to perform that one simple thing...that simple thing, as small and as insignificant as a speck of dust on a windswept plateau...but yet, at the same time, as huge and as vast and as overwhelming, as the massive gulf that surrounds it on all sides.

Why am I so dependent on others...
Why am I so immature...
What am I really recovering for? Will I ever be able to find my way, in life? or will I just get lost along the way?

Because that's how I feel, at the moment. Just so lost...lost in a never-ending, disorientating maze. A maze which I see others passing through, from time to time. But they, unlike me, manage to find their way out. Some might struggle and some might falter, but in the end, they succeed. But I just stumble on, and on, and on, trying desperately to follow them out...not wanting to be, the little girl who got left behind.

All I know is...I have to keep searching, trying, and struggling up this long and lonely mountain. For my recovery journey is proving very long, and lonely, and hard. But I know I have to keep going. I know that I have to try.


  1. Emily, you are not alone with how you feel. After decades of misery and torment in my head I've often seen others recover but not me. What is wrong with me I ask? I'm so weak. I know now I do not have a choice. I so need to push through. For some reason I'm afraid of getting past a certain weight. Maybe it cymbalises something. Still got a long way to go. But Emily you are SPECIAL. I know how you feel as I wake up every morning wondering what I have to offer. I just want to see myself as God does. Emily you are special in Gods eyes. You have got so much to offer. When you come out the other side of this you will be strong and I can see you helping others who struggle. You are compassionate and definitely beautiful and the way you write is extraordinary. You are the whole package honey. I pray you will see this too. Love nd Christmas wishes.

    1. <3 oh sonya...I have absolutely no words to describe how much your comment brought tears to my eyes once again. Thank you so, so much. We need to push through this togetherhun because you are right, this is not the life which either of us deserve, living with an eating disorder.Please keep going dear. I know we only know eachother through my blog but I can just feel the warmth and the kindness of your hearth through the words you write. It would mean the world to me to see you happy and healthy. Let's do this together hun and stay strong. All my love dear, happy christmas to you too <3 xxx

  2. Emmy,I hope that one day you can wake up and see what everyone else in the world sees. You are a beautiful soul. Just because you are not like other 21 year olds, doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you. You are just an old soul in a young body. You have the interests and good sense of someone a lot older than you which means you're only missing out on getting drunk and doing stupid things you regret the next day!
    Relying on your Mam isn't a bad thing either. If its helping you get through and face your ED at the moment, how can that be a bad thing. Further down the path you'll have to learn to battle the ED on your own but the place where you are right now just requires a helping hand. Never be embarrassed by this. We've all been there and understand.
    Wishing you a very merry Christmas and may the new year be full of the wonderful things you trully deserve.
    Megan xo

    1. <3 oh megan, thank you so, so much...where can I even begin, your words really mean the world to me hun, thank you with all my heart <3 I cant express how grateful I am for the beautiful, touching, sincere words that you write.
      it is so hard for me to see the girl you describe! But hun I really will try, for you <3
      i really hope you realise hun how precious our friendship is to me, i really hope you are well and enjoying the festive season too hun, I really can't wait to hear from you soon <3 all my love to you hun <3 xxxx

  3. I feel your pain Emmy. Anorexia takes away your life, leaves you lost in a world which is already confusing enough. Anorexia is a thief, robbing you of a wonderful life. You do not deserve this half life of an eating disorder. You are so very young with your whole life ahead of you. You need to concentrate on getting yourself better. When you're better, you will come back to life and start to feel alive again. Then you will know what your purpose is in life, and which road to follow. There is a wonderful life out there waiting for you, you lovely, kind young lady, you just need to get better, and grab the bull by the horns and live. It will take time, it won't be easy, but it most definitely is possible. You're superstrong. Don't waste your life on anorexia my love. I'm here for you if there's anything I can do to help. Thinking of you very much xxxxxxx

    1. <3 oh, hun..thank you so, so made me so so happy to hear from you and your words are so sincere and really touched my heart..everything you say is so true dear. the next time I feel as if I have no where left to turn I will reread your words as I know that will help me to move forwards once again. Thank you so, so much dear, you are a true friend <3 I really am so, so lucky to have met such wonderful and simply amazing people here through my bblog. Thank you so much again dear and please take care. I am always here for you too hun <3 I'll message you on facebook tonight <3 xxx

  4. Anorexia makes you feel bad whatever you do, if you eat it is wrong because you know that you should eat to recover, if you eat, ED accuses you of being worthless, bad. But you must do what makes you stronger, happier, because you deserve a wonderful life, so leave anorexia in the past and the the new year as a starting point into a life without this voice. I try the same, and without your advice and healing words my progress and steps into freedom had never been possible. Your inspirational words always motivated me to go on, to never ever give up. So please my dear friend, don't think of yourself being a loser, you are one of the strongest persons I ever get to know and you have a heart of gold.
    I wish you all the best, all my love and lots of hugs, Maria

    1. <3 thank you so, so much hun <3 your words are so healing, true and insightful.We can make 2016 our year hun, the year we destroy this monster inside our heads once and for all. I am always here for you hun, please write to me whenever <3 if it were not for you and all my dear readers I don't think I would have got this far and for that hun I am eternally grateful.
      I am feeling so much more better now hun, thank you so, so much. I got your beautiful emails and I will reply as soon as I can. All my love to you dear, take care <3 xxxxx