At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Friday, 4 December 2015

The battle rages on..

I'm not going to was hard. God knows why, but from the moment I got up this morning, I felt sluggish and crampy and my stomach was uncomfortably, horribly bloated. And I sort of knew that today was going to be difficult, because of that..and I could feel the anxiety creeping in deep inside me, because I knew then, that sticking to my meal plan would be all the more difficult, now. And by hell, it was.

But I did it.

Finally, I think I have truly found, that inner strength which was hidden deep inside me, all along.

I'm just hoping now that the bloating won't be as bad tomorrow - it completely ruined by appetite today, and I did struggle, I did experience alot of anxiety, even more so than under normal circumstances. There were several instances today when I thought, no, I can't do it. This is too hard, too hard. Surely restriction is easier than this.

But, this time, it was me, not ED, who was the stronger one.

I did indeed draw on my little list of ED fighting tools here as I discussed in a previous post..talking back to the ED voice, reminding myself of the promise I had made to

Now its time for my weekend goals...what are yours??? Feel free to share them with me ;) <3

  1. Sunday is scone day!! ;) so i will have a scone with my hot choc in the afternoon again.
  2. to stick to meal plan 100%, even if the bloating is still bad :( (really, really hoping that it wont be :'( 
  3. for breakfast tomorrow have a slice of my own yummmy spelt bread <3 toasted with 2 tsp peanut butter :)
  4. have ham in my roll on saturday, and thensunday, either egg mayo or tuna mayo
  5. oh..that can be another goal actualy. to increase the amount of pb..because its true, 2 tsp realy isnt that much at all. so i might go for 2 tsp PLUS this weekend..see how i get on. The aim ultimately is to not measure it any more but for now I am just working on erasing my fear about eating it. 
  6. apparently, its going to be gale force winds and heavy rain here, all day tomorrow :'( and so, this will mean I probably won't be able to venture too far with Benny :'( but I am going to try very, very hard to not get anxious about this, and not find myself getting grumpy and panicky about not getting as much walking done as I usually would... Thankfully, I have some useful distractions at hand to help me with this. a.) i am currently knitting a scarf fro my friend's xmas present which needs to e done for monday when i see plenty of clicking and clacking of needles will take place tomorrow. b.) its time for the Ganache-Elf to perform the very elf-befitting tasks of wrapping presents and making mince pies, all of which I intend to perform tomorriow ;) and c.) we are putting up the so excited, its one of my favourite xmas rituals of all <3
                                                          Hard to believe that this was a year ago now...

More about this tomorrow, but I was thinking today. Is it time to up the meal plan? Am I just putting off the inevitable by waiting until next weekend to preview things?
It's a tough one to call, because as expected, making that first crucial step those few weeks ago was as frightening and as daunted as I anticipated it would be..and every day still represents for me, an enormous challenge, a battle. A battle which ensues from the moment I open my eyes in the morning, till when I lie down again to go to sleep at night. A battle which leaves me exhausted, overwhelmed, physically and mentally drained. more often that not, I feel as battered and as bruised at the end of the day as I would if I had just been dragged through a field of gorse bushes.

But at the same time, something's telling me that I should; that I should take the next step forward. Leave not a stone unturned...face Ed head on...

Because I know now, that I have the strength to win this fight - the fight for my freedom, the fight for my life - deep, deep inside me.
and that the only person who can realise that, who can make that change, who can destroy thisVoice, once and forever, is me. <3 xxx

Never have the power to do everything, change anything...
Look inside you and find your inner strength.


  1. Well done. Glad to hear you didn't listen to that inner voice. It almost brougjt me to tears. This disorder twists the way we see ourselves. What I see is a beautiful young lady who has a sweet heart and is capable of doing anything she wants. Hope you can look in the mirror and see what I see if not right now very soon. I plan to bake tomorrow after church. Maybe some Christmas stuff to keep busy. Love to you xx

    1. oh my dear, thank you so, so much. It is hearing from people like you who make all the struggles worth while - thank you hun so much this really touched my heart <3 My house smells of mince pies right now too Sonya ;) kept me very busy indeed! All my love dear hope you have a lovely weekend <3 xxx

  2. three big hugs for you, dear Emily... the first, because you are you...just like you really much...
    second, because you stayed strong yesterday, and third just to let you knowt that I feel...sooooo. the same...but know, I REALLY fight..had kind of to say... moment...I don`t want to be so weak any more, so afraid...but it is so hard to do, but I am increasing, and I can do more (you perhaps too;)?))
    Be kind with yourself, but not too kind to THE, it is not funny...

    1. <3 oh hun thank you so so much I appreciate that so much <3
      I am so proud of you for being so brave and strong too Theresa..and yes, let's move forward together <3 I think that we can definitely both do more..more to defy this voice and empower our own recovery!! Take care dear, all my love <3 xxxx

  3. I keep my fingers crossed that you feel much better tomorrow, I think of you and I am at your side. Lots of love and hugs, Maria

    1. <3 today i felt miles better hun, thank you <3 all my love, you know I am always here for you, take care dearest Maria <3 xxx