The battle rages on..

I'm not going to lie...today was hard. God knows why, but from the moment I got up this morning, I felt sluggish and crampy and my stomach was uncomfortably, horribly bloated. And I sort of knew that today was going to be difficult, because of that..and I could feel the anxiety creeping in deep inside me, because I knew then, that sticking to my meal plan would be all the more difficult, now. And by hell, it was.

But I did it.

Finally, I think I have truly found, that inner strength which was hidden deep inside me, all along.

I'm just hoping now that the bloating won't be as bad tomorrow - it completely ruined by appetite today, and I did struggle, I did experience alot of anxiety, even more so than under normal circumstances. There were several instances today when I thought, no, I can't do it. This is too hard, too hard. Surely restriction is easier than this.

But, this time, it was me, not ED, who was the stronger one.

I did indeed draw on my little list of ED fighting tools here as I discussed in a previous post..talking back to the ED voice, reminding myself of the promise I had made to

Now its time for my weekend goals...what are yours??? Feel free to share them with me ;) <3

1. Sunday is scone day!! ;) so i will have a scone with my hot choc in the afternoon again.
2. to stick to meal plan 100%, even if the bloating is still bad :( (really, really hoping that it wont be :'( 
3. for breakfast tomorrow have a slice of my own yummmy spelt bread <3 toasted with 2 tsp peanut butter :)
4. have ham in my roll on saturday, and thensunday, either egg mayo or tuna mayo
5. oh..that can be another goal actualy. to increase the amount of pb..because its true, 2 tsp realy isnt that much at all. so i might go for 2 tsp PLUS this weekend..see how i get on. The aim ultimately is to not measure it any more but for now I am just working on erasing my fear about eating it. 
6. apparently, its going to be gale force winds and heavy rain here, all day tomorrow :'( and so, this will mean I probably won't be able to venture too far with Benny :'( but I am going to try very, very hard to not get anxious about this, and not find myself getting grumpy and panicky about not getting as much walking done as I usually would... Thankfully, I have some useful distractions at hand to help me with this. a.) i am currently knitting a scarf fro my friend's xmas present which needs to e done for monday when i see her...so plenty of clicking and clacking of needles will take place tomorrow. b.) its time for the Ganache-Elf to perform the very elf-befitting tasks of wrapping presents and making mince pies, all of which I intend to perform tomorriow ;) and c.) we are putting up the tree..so so excited, its one of my favourite xmas rituals of all <3

                                                          Hard to believe that this was a year ago now...

More about this tomorrow, but I was thinking today. Is it time to up the meal plan? Am I just putting off the inevitable by waiting until next weekend to preview things?

It's a tough one to call, because as expected, making that first crucial step those few weeks ago was as frightening and as daunted as I anticipated it would be..and every day still represents for me, an enormous challenge, a battle. A battle which ensues from the moment I open my eyes in the morning, till when I lie down again to go to sleep at night. A battle which leaves me exhausted, overwhelmed, physically and mentally drained. more often that not, I feel as battered and as bruised at the end of the day as I would if I had just been dragged through a field of gorse bushes.

But at the same time, something's telling me that I should; that I should take the next step forward. Leave not a stone unturned...face Ed head on...

Because I know now, that I have the strength to win this fight - the fight for my freedom, the fight for my life - deep, deep inside me.

and that the only person who can realise that, who can make that change, who can destroy thisVoice, once and forever, is me. <3 xxx

Never forget...you have the power to do everything, change anything...

Look inside you and find your inner strength.