At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Tuesday 13 January 2015

Nobody said it was easy... :(

...but noone ever said it would be this hard.

So says Chris Martin in the Scientist, just one of the many Coldplay songs that I love. And that very sentence was what ran through my head, over and over again, the day after I was diagnosed with an eating disorder; and many times since then too, of course. I suppose that is one of the most frustrating things of all...that recovery is just so, so god damn hard. Time and time again - especially on my bad days - giving up, giving in to the ED recurrently appears to be the easier option, by far. constantly, it appears as if I haven't really achieved a great deal at all since the day I decided to fight my eating disorder. Yet I know, deep in my heart, that that is not the truth. I tried; I know I tried. And I suppose, one of the hardest pills that I have to swallow right now, is the fact that perhaps, I didn't try hard enough. I was determined upon defeating my eating disorder, facing my fears, and reaching full recovery, alone. But now, it's not just me. I'm now in the hands of the professionals; and I know the next few months are quite possibly going to be most difficult and challenging of all. I'm know full wel I am going to be pushed far, far beyond my comfort zone; all those reassuring boundaries of familiarity are going to be cruelly and savagely broken in front of my very eyes. And I know, that it is for the best...and I know, it is enormously, massively difficult, to even attempt to recover from any eating disorder without outside help. But saying that to myselfdoesn't make it any easier to accept, of course. It doesn't serve to eradicate the crushing sense of failure which has been bearing down on my head, ever since that day I first went to the doctor's at Trinity, and my doctor told me, in frank, honest terms which made me want to weep on the very spot, that he strongly suspected that I was still suffering from an eating disorder and this completely explained the inability of my injured foot to get better on its own.

I remember it as if it were yesterday...that beautiful morning in October when I walked out with Benny, amongst the hawthorns on the lane which were glittering with their blood-red berries, the mellow notes of a solitary blackbird calling from the hedgerow, filling my ears with almost breathtaking sweetness. I was so caught up in the radiance of that one single, fleeting moment - it was like I was walking upon air, in some place of otherworldly nature - until then, suddenly and horribly, I felt - something. That something being in the instep of one of my feet - the same feet which had carried me, miles and miles and miles, all those days I was sick and overexercised to the point of exhasution - and, of course, beyond that; since the day I decided I was going to put every single fibre of my being, my heart, my soul, my whole entire body - into clambering out of this dark, depthless hole which was my ED. But that day came and went, and I realise now, with bitter resignation, that I wasn't truly free in Summer 2014 - I wasn't even near fully recovered. And it was my overworked, delicate, weakened little feet which were going to bear the brunt of my shame.

I hobbled home with Benny, struggling ever so slightly to keep up with his bouncy, brisk steps, reassuring myself that it was nothing; it was probably just a little sprain or something which would go away in a couple of days. I was as wrong about that, just like I was in foolishly assuming you can just recover from an ED - which you have had for almost half of your lifetime - in the space of a few months. I was as mistaken for thinking that as I was in declaring myself as fully recovered.

Two weeks later I found myself at the doctors in Trinity. The achey pain in my foot hadn't gone away, and as I sat in the surgery I could feel my instep throbbing with every beat of my heart. But that wasn't the reason why I was crying, that day, of course. Rather, the gentle words which the college doctor spoke to me that afternoon were the cause of this unstopable flow of tears.

I think, Emily, that you are suffering from an eating disorder. I knew, when you stepped into this room. Your skeletal system is weak and quite possibly damaged. It's a small wonder your foot won't heal by itself. 




Nobody said it was easy....


but does it really have to be this hard?


6 comments:

  1. I'm sorry you're having a rough time. There's no shame in not completely turning things around single-handedly. We all need some assistance sometimes, especially with something as persistent and mentally manipulative as an eating disorder. The fact that you recognized that you needed help in the first place shows a lot of strength. Keep up the good fight. Strangers on the internet are thinking of you.

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    1. Hi there :) Thank you so much for your kind thoughts and for your comment. I know I shouldn't be that hard on myself - as you say, eating disorders are so manipulative and fighting the ever-present voice in your head can be a real struggle. I suppose I just wish that I could have pushed myself, that little bit harder, and fixed the problem alone. Of course noone wants to have to go to hospital, and for me it's going to be tough, I know - I''ve always been shy and insecure and quite sensitive, and i hate having to go beyond my comfort zone. But that's what is going to have to be involved, I know, if I am ever going to really defeat this ED once and for all.

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  2. I can totally relate to this. I tried to recover on my own at first (although I actually did go to my doctor early on but her response to my concerns that I was developing an ED was "you have anorexia, go eat some cheesecake" which wasn't particularly helpful). But since I found a new doctor who put my in contact with a councillor and nutritionist everything got much smoother. Trust me, it's a load off your shoulders when you have others helping you get to where you need to be. You don't have to worry about what to do you just have to focus on doing it! Although it's a hard pill to swallow (the fact that you need help I mean), it's a huge step in the right direction. And you seem like a very strong person (even though I'm sure you don't see it!). I believe in you Emily, you can do this!

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    1. Hello :) thank you so much for this. It means so much to me!And I totally agree with everything you say. In a way, I know it is going to be a great relief to be told what to eat, when and how much, and not have to make any more decisions. but It is going to be hard, scary and tough...yet again, I guess, recovering from an ED is about being brave and facing your fears head on. I know, I am going to have to be forced into doing things that make me scared and anxious if I am ever going to properly beat this ED.
      Thank you so much again for such a lovely comment <3 you are so kind, I really appreciate your support :)

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  3. Stick at it hun. Your courage and bravey so far has been tremendous and so inspiring for everyone to read about. Remember, we are all here to hold your hand as you walk the difficult road to recovery. Never forget that.

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    1. <3 thank you so much hun <3 you being there for me is such an enormous help to me, I can't express how much. I am so, so grateful for your never-ending kindness and support. Lots of love Megan <3 xxx

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