It's only for one night, I know... But nothing, nothing on this earth could have possibly have made me happier. Stepping out of those doors today, and feeling the sun on my face as the cool winter breeze stirred my hair, gently lifting the tawny blonde cascades free from the hood of my coat so that they brushed gently against my cheeks, tears of pure, real joy fell from my eyes. It was such a beautiful, perfect moment. The sky was a deep, cobalt blue, dotted here and there with tiny little white clouds that had tha appearance of delicate little cotton buds. Tiny snowdrops bobbed their droplet-like heads as I walked towards the pedestrian walkway which led to the station, where a train awaited to take me home.
The past few weeks have been, just as I anticipated, so incredibly tough in many more ways than one.
But I have pulled through and endured it all, and here I am once again, sitting in my favourite little chair overlooking the garden in the onservatory…and I can honestly say, hand on heart, that I am happy. I have overcome the fear and the initial anxiety and unfamiliarity…I feel that I am, well and truly, on the way to recovery. The past two weeks, I have felt as if I have learnt, through knowledge and experience, so, so much. I have discovered, proved to myself, just how strong I really am. My journey is far from over, but I know, thanks to my own hard work, my own strength and hope and courage. that I have survived and overcome the hardest part.
Over the past few weeks, I have been able to come to some fundamental, hugely significant realisations that I know are crucial in moving forward in my recovery. And you know, these aren't just specific to me...I would love for you to read these and realise that these might apply for you, too. You know, once you actually identify and acknowledge a problem or a negative thought...then that is half the battle, already won. Then and only then can you take another step forward and start working on that problem, and change it, change it for the better. :)
- That mistreating and abusing my body in the way I did when I was in the grip of my eating disorder was one of the biggest mistakes I ever made. But now I have the chance to make it up to my body, for all the shit I put it through, all the hurt and damage and abuse. Now is the time for me to take care of my body again, nurture it and nourish it and nurse it back to health.
- That every body is beautiful, in so many countless different ways. No one else has a body quite like yours. Maybe there are some tiny similarities...but nobody else on this earth has hair the exact same shade as yours, has ears and fingers and toes which are the same shape as your own. During the first few weeks of my hospital stay...I have began to learn to appreciate and love my body for the way it is. I know I still have some way to go in accepting my own body, but I know I have made a positive start. I have grown to love and appreciate the fair streaks in my hair, the bright blueness of my eyes, the smoothness of the skin on my face.
- That there were still many foods that I, even since when I started working on recovery, had always declined or dismissed without thinking...on the automatic assumption that I did not like them. And some of these I hadn't even tried before....but my eating disorder was telling me that they just aren't your thing, Emmy. But since that day I left home and entered that completely new environment...yep, I had no choice but to push myself. Yet it was a push that I know I needed, and which I can now look upon with a sense of pride, and joy, and without one single trace of regret. I have discovered so many new foods I love, and have completely and utterly destroyed my old ED-type fears of trying out something new. :)