At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Monday, 19 January 2015

You can't have a rainbow without a little rain...

This was something one of my lovely readers wrote in one of her comments on a previous post. <3 And, when you make that conscious decision to fight - fight for your life, fight for your freedom, fight for everything and everyone you love - in the battle in which you stand your ground against your own eating disorder...there's a number of things that you have to realise. This one single, simple little fact being just one of them. As I described in one of my previous posts...recovery is never easy. It's one of the most difficult things you might have to do in this short, fleeting span of time which we refer to as life.  But I know, that I can't just stand and look towards the horizon now and expect to see nothing but a pure brilliance of perfect blue. If recovery was as clear and as straightforward as that, God knows that there would not be so many people struggling with this horrible, horrible disease which wrecks lives and tears families apart.

I suppose I was the one who made that mistake, when it was me standing in that very same position, all those months ago, in Summer 2014. I thought recovery would be as sweet and as effortless as kneeling down to gather tender-stemmed, golden daffodils in a woodland fresh and green with the promises of spring. But you and I both know it's not like that.

No...rather, if we choose to stand now and gaze upon the skyline which is the horizon of our future...we have to open our eyes now and brace ourselves for the storm clouds building there. For recovery is like that...for all of us. The rain will fall, soaking you to the very bone. The wind will blow hard against you, screaming in your ear, howling at you to turn back. Sometimes, it might succeed. We might be keeled over by the force of that cruel, biting wind. We might fall and tell ourselves that we can't go on like this for any longer.

But what I want to emphasise is that the rain will not fall forever. We might slip and fall, and that's ok. We're humans after all. And if you believe it, if you stand up tall, shake off those raindrops and walk, slowly but surely, forwards - then those clouds can and will clear. The sun will shine through that rain, warming you and lighting up your path with a beautiful golden glow. Through the rain you will glimpse that glorious, dazzling rainbow. And then that very same sky which was at first so grey and dark will take on that glorious, rosy-pink hue of a brand new dawn.

In less than an hour, I will levae home to start my inpatient treatment at St Pat's in Dublin. It's the beginning of a yet another new chapter for me, in the story which is that of me and my recovery from an eating disorder. This weekend has been, quite possibly, one of the most turbulent in terms of my emotions since I started working on recovery. In the space of a few days, I've gone from intense, bitter wretchedness and tearful misery, intespersed with a desperate, overwhelming sense of fear and helpless acceptance. Calm, almost peaceful acceptance.

I know that this storm will pass. I know that the rain isn't going to last forever.

So now it's time for us to hold hands, to step out into that rain. We might flinch as it first touches our skin, but then we become stronger, we move forward. And then, arching across the sky in front of us, is that beautiful, colourful rainbow that comes before the sun. :)

By the way...I just want to thank you all personally from the heart, AGAIN, for writing such lovely, touching comments on my post yesterday. No joke - reading them realy did make me cry...again. But in a good way!! ;) Thank you so, so much, you are all just so INCREDIBLE and I wish there was some way I could better express how much this means to me. <3


  1. Emmy!!, hey Sweety it will be okay I promise, it will be hard and tough but I know in my heart that you can do it, you are a string and beautiful and talented girl!! Love is stronger than the pressure to be perfect!!
    I think you are sooo brave even to admit to yourself that you need help and going into hospital is going to make you fight for your recovery and it is something I know you can do!! It is worth it and think of how much baking you can do and properly enjoy it when you are recovered!
    I wish you all the luck in the world!!
    Lots of love Livvy xoxox :)
    Good luck Emmy, you can do it, stay strong!!
    Hugs and kisses form NZ!

    1. aww Livvy, you are so sweet <3 thank you so, so much for this hun <3 And I absolutely love your little motto hun, I meant to say that to you ages ago - it is so, so true and we should always, always try to bear this in mind!

      Thanks so, so much for your well-wishes hun, I can't even begin to thank you enough <3 Lots and lots of love and hugs to you too hun <3 thank you so so much for reading my blog, it means the world to me, it really, really does <3 xxxxx

  2. You are so, so brave, Emmy!! It will be tough, fighting the lies your ED fed yoi. But tryst me, after you recover youll get to actually experience the happiness it comes with and youll realize how worth it it was!!! I know you can do this, seriously!! Thinking of you!! HUGS!! :)

    1. Aww Olivia <3 thank you so, so much hun..I dont know hun if you realise how much YOU, yes YOU hun, have helped me in my journey. But just know that now hun, I am so, so grateful to you, you are my biggest ever inspiration and just thinking of you fills me with courage and resolve to beat this awful illness <3 lots of love and hugs hun <3 I absolutely LOVE your new blog and you look so pretty in your pics <3 and Moco is the cutest dog EVER hun <3 xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

    2. Awwww!! It means so, so much to me, your lovely words!! It really does :) thank you SO much, youll never know how lovely your words are and how much they mean to me!!