At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...
I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)
Monday, 19 January 2015
You can't have a rainbow without a little rain...
I suppose I was the one who made that mistake, when it was me standing in that very same position, all those months ago, in Summer 2014. I thought recovery would be as sweet and as effortless as kneeling down to gather tender-stemmed, golden daffodils in a woodland fresh and green with the promises of spring. But you and I both know it's not like that.
No...rather, if we choose to stand now and gaze upon the skyline which is the horizon of our future...we have to open our eyes now and brace ourselves for the storm clouds building there. For recovery is like that...for all of us. The rain will fall, soaking you to the very bone. The wind will blow hard against you, screaming in your ear, howling at you to turn back. Sometimes, it might succeed. We might be keeled over by the force of that cruel, biting wind. We might fall and tell ourselves that we can't go on like this for any longer.
But what I want to emphasise is that the rain will not fall forever. We might slip and fall, and that's ok. We're humans after all. And if you believe it, if you stand up tall, shake off those raindrops and walk, slowly but surely, forwards - then those clouds can and will clear. The sun will shine through that rain, warming you and lighting up your path with a beautiful golden glow. Through the rain you will glimpse that glorious, dazzling rainbow. And then that very same sky which was at first so grey and dark will take on that glorious, rosy-pink hue of a brand new dawn.
In less than an hour, I will levae home to start my inpatient treatment at St Pat's in Dublin. It's the beginning of a yet another new chapter for me, in the story which is that of me and my recovery from an eating disorder. This weekend has been, quite possibly, one of the most turbulent in terms of my emotions since I started working on recovery. In the space of a few days, I've gone from intense, bitter wretchedness and tearful misery, intespersed with a desperate, overwhelming sense of fear and helpless uncertainty...to acceptance. Calm, almost peaceful acceptance.
I know that this storm will pass. I know that the rain isn't going to last forever.
So now it's time for us to hold hands, to step out into that rain. We might flinch as it first touches our skin, but then we become stronger, we move forward. And then, arching across the sky in front of us, is that beautiful, colourful rainbow that comes before the sun. :)
By the way...I just want to thank you all personally from the heart, AGAIN, for writing such lovely, touching comments on my post yesterday. No joke - reading them realy did make me cry...again. But in a good way!! ;) Thank you so, so much, you are all just so INCREDIBLE and I wish there was some way I could better express how much this means to me. <3