At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Wednesday, 21 January 2015

Izzy's Positive Recovered Challenge!! :) Day 2!!

Day 2 of the Positive Recovered Challenge!! Yay!! ;) Today, we're focusing on the things that we will are looking forward to being able to do again, once we are recovered.

An eating disorder can be likened to a number of different things. And one of them, I think, is a thief. The eating disorder robs you, it takes so, so much away from you, remorselessly and without one ounce of pity. It deprives you, it steals from you, it leaves you crying out for what you have lost and laughs at you in your helplessness and vulnerability.

But the message I want to put across to you today, is that we can retrieve what was lost. We can, and will, take back the things that were stolen from us by our eating disorder.

You just have to be strong, take courage, and show that evil, scheming thief which is your eating disorder...that you no longer are going to put up with any of its s***. You have to prove to yourself that it is YOU, not your eating disorder, who is going to be the one who is doing the taking. Let that hatred for your eating disorder, the thief inside your own head, be the fuel you need to become stronger than this thief which is itself your greatest ever enemy.

Anyway, these are just some of the things which I am looking forward to doing when I am healthy and recovered. I''ve still got some work to do, true, but for now I have to be patient. We just have to realise that, some day soon, we no longer will feel as if we have been robbed, that we are victims. Rather, we will e ale to hold our hands together and declare ourselves as survivors. :) <3

  1. being able to walk, cycle, even move again and see how strong my body has become. :)
  2. being able to focus and concentrate again - to read and be able to recall what I read, to write Morokia to the best of my ability, to dedicate some time to research what I am most passionate about - medieval stuff, cookery, geography..etc. ;)
  3. to travel the world :D and sample all the different exciting world cuisines without anxiety!!!
  4. To cook and bake whatever I want and not have any apprehensions about whether I should eat what I make :D
  5. To sit at a table and enjoy a delicious meal with my loved ones, and to enjoy every single bite of it :)
  6. To volunteer and make a difference in my community.
  7. To be able to live life the way I want, free from the voice and the thief that once lived inside my head. 


  1. This post is so inspiring and so are you!!<3 :)

    1. <3 <3 <3 YOU are my biggest inspiration of all hun ;) xxxx

  2. All such great motivations...and all so selfless as well! I love the thief analogy. I have never heard that one before but it's so true. Not only that, but an ED and severe restriction robs you of your own personality, turns you into someone else. Someone who lies and deceives their loved ones. And a thief that steals control from your life.

    p.s. I sent you an e-mail but I'm wondering whether there was a typo when you gave it to me. Is "emmmy" supposed to have 3 m's?

    Hope you're doing ok! Your continue to amaze me with the maturity of your posts. Even though I know you have a way to go, your determination and your perspective will be so invaluable to you. And you write so so well. I just want to memorize everything you say and play it on repeat!

    1. Hello! <3 :) I can't agree more with you about the ED robbing you of your own personality. It's like your identity is ascribed onto your own ED. But I think in recovery we all set out on finding the real "us" again.

      I did get your email <3 I am still writing to a reply to it - I want it to be special bbecause I was just so, so touched by your words and the kindness you have displayed in emailing me <3 you have no idea how much it means to me, thank you so, so much <3 hopefully I will get my reply finished today! ;)

      Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! <3 Your words brought tears of happiness to my eyes!! Honestly! You are so lovely and I am so, so glad I have gotten to know you a little through my blog <3 thank you so so much, you are incredible and I can't express how much I am touched and moved by your thoughtful words!! <3 Hope you have a good day too! <3 xxx

  3. Hey Emmy!! These are beautiful things that I can soo confident in you that you will be able to do very soon!!
    How is your treatment going? Super duper well I hope, not too hard on you well I know it will be hard but you can do it!!
    Like always this is a beautiful peace of writing and I can't wait to read parts of your book you are looking forward to writing, soo exciting
    Thanks soo much for writing this blog :)
    Lots of love Livvy xoxox
    Stay strong Emmy!! :)

    1. Hi dear Livvy <3 thank you so much for your well-wishes hun <3 I will be writing a little update on how things are soon! I feel like I would like to give advice to anyone who has to go into hospital.

      It is very hard Livvy, there is no denying that :( but I am determined to stay strong and focus on beating this ED once and for all and your support means so, so much to me Livvy it really does <3

      Aww <3 thank you so so much hun that is so nice of you <3 I will include a Morokia excerpt on here too soon I think!

      Hope you are doing well Livvy <3 lots of love from the other side of the world to you hun!! <3 xxx

  4. These are all so great!!!! I know you can overcome your eating disorder and have all these things again. To be free and feel happy and to be able to spend time with friends and family. TO eat what you bake and enjoy it!!!
    Stay strong!!! Have these in the back of your head whenever it gets tough. Fighting your ED means closer to freedom and health!

    1. <3 thank you so, so much dear Izzy <3 I really, really believe it too and I am so determined to achieve these goals!! This is a really good challeneg Izzy you are always just so full of great ideas ;) <3 xxxxxxxxx