At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Tuesday, 20 January 2015

Izzy's Positive Recovered Challenge!! Day 1!! :)

One of my favourite ever bloggers Izzy <3 has created another positivity challenge which I, of course, was more than happy to participate in!! For that is something I really, really want My Cocoa Stained Apron to signify and symbolise: that positive thinking, looking forward to the future as one which is full of hope and progress and freedom, and feeling happy - in your won body, with your own world, in life in general - are all so, so important for us all, no matter what stage of life we are at, no matter what race or culture or nationality we can ascribe to.

It's easy, when you are suffering from an eating disorder, to have the tendency to see life as something which is painted in drab, dreary shades of grey. That there is no meaning, to anything...that everything is pointless, and that the world is a cold, cruel place, that does not care about what happens to you.

I know that, because for years, this had almost become my life philosophy. I thought my life was worthless and that my presence was an unnecessary one. I frequently told myself...I won't ever recover, because there's no point in me even trying. There's nothing for me to live for. I don't deserve to live.

But I know now I was so, so WRONG. And I implore you now, with every single inch of my heart and soul...don't ever, ever tell yourself that you are useless, that you are worth nothing, and that life and recovery are not worth fighting for. That is the Voice in your head telling you that, and that voice is WRONG, with a capital W. You have so , so much to live for...and you have so much to offer the world, too. there is and always will be only one of you. So if you are struggling, take a deep breath, clear your mind, smile even though you feel like crying, and think. Think of the life that's waiting for you out there, which once you are free and healthy, you will be able to grasp with both hands, embrace with all your strength. You are worth so, so much more than your eating don't hold back. Don't let your eating disorder prevent you from embracing that life that you want, that life you will love. And then use that strength to conquer your fears, realise your dreams, and silence that manipulative, lying, cruel little voice in the bback of your mind forever.

anyway, after that ramble, onto the positivity challenge!!! :D (please do feel free to add yours!! ;)

What do I look forward to the most when I am healthy and free of my eating disorder...

  1. Being able to enjoy life , without being controlled and manipulated by a voice which forces me to lie, to hate myself, to cry endless tears and to mistreat and abuse my own body.
  2. Being able to enjoy the foods I love the most without any guilt or anxiety whatsoever.
  3. Being able to spend time with the people I love, and to enjoy food with them, and to see the happy, proud smiles on their faces as they look at me and see how much I have overcome.
  4. Being able to walk without any discomfort or fears of damaging my body. being able to perhaps take up a new physical hobby - dancing, strength-training, hiking, swimming. being able to go for long endless walks with benny and then to come in from the cold and devour warm toast and steaming mugs of hot choc by the fire in fluffy pjs.
  5. Being able to write well again, to be able to concentrate, and discover where my passion lies.
There are more, of course...I could think of much more than just 5. And you know what? So can YOU. <3 xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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