At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Sunday, 25 January 2015

Izzy's Positive Recovered Challenge ! :) Day 5!

A life without an eating disorder...

Having lived with this illness for almost half of my life, I suppose it's safe to say it had become part of me. Sometimes people forget just how powerful an eating disorder really is, in that its influence is not solely confined to behaviours and habits associated with food, eating, mealtimes....oh, no. Rather, its control can spread to all corners and branches of your life; in a way that means you are essentially living, breathing, and being your eating disorder.

You wake up first thing in the morning and realise, with a sudden jolt of horror, that it's half seven. Oh, NO. Major panic...because that means you only have quarter of an hour to get dressed, brush your teeth and find your old runners, as the family will be eating breakfast at around quarter to 9...and it is absolutely essential, after all, that you get your 1 hour power walk done before that.

You extract great delight from reading cookery magazines and websites, and when you come across a recipe that you are certain your family will love, you print it off and write the required ingredients on your shopping list. having done so, you hurry over to the freezer and take out a small portion of pasta that had been left over from last week an had been frozen for another day. This frugal portion is for you, by the way, because you have told yourself that you don't like avocados and cheese and beans in chilli sauce, which are all contained in the meal you will make for your family that evening.

Having volunteered to do the laundry for your Mam, you sort the various different garments of clothing for each family member into neat piles. You pick up the bundle that belongs to your brother and head towards the stairs, ignoring the pile that consists of your own items of clothing, telling yourself that you will go and put your brother's things away first and come back for your own. Your room is upstairs, so is your brother's; but you convince yourself that you can't possibly carry two small piles of clothing at the same time, and that it's a much better idea to make two trips up the staircase for each one.

These are just some of the many, many eating-disorder behaviours which I unconsciously practised on a pretty much regular basis when I was sick. You don't think about them because they have become everyday to you, a reality, part and parcel of your life. And so I suppose, living without an eating disorder is going to be a life of freedom. Freedom from these thoughts and anxeities and restrictions, all those doubts and apprehensions. And that has to be something I am looking forward to most of all, in my life without an eating disorder...a life that is out  there waiting for me,  and is not, as I used to tell myself, something which is impossible for me to reach.... :)

That's what I want my life to be after recovery...a life of freedom and happiness and good health. To no longer be confined and controlled by a voice. To e able to make my own choices and fulfill my own goals. I want to travel and go places and meet new people. And of course I know, life is never perfect; and therewill, inevitably, be tough times. But in my life after recovery, I will be able to cope with those tough times and not turn to restriction and self-hate as a way of controlling and dealing with my problems. In my life after recovery, I envisage an Emily who is happier, more confident, more positive. Who isn't scared to get out of her comfort zone and who doesn't shy away from new opportunities.

And of my life after recovery, I want to be able to enjoy food and life. Something I would never have been able to do if I still clung on to my eating disorder. But now I'm beginning to let go, and spread my own beautiful, strong, free wings. :) xxxxx


  1. This all sounds so amazing. Right now I still can't imagine ever feeling like this but I hope against hope it just comes with time. This illness always confuses me so much, in that we all envisage this future yet it's so hard sometimes to do what you know you need to do to get there. Your blog is so helpful in showing me that I'm not the only one who feels that way! Keep fighting :)


    1. Hello! :) I know, I know exactly how you feel. Writing this I felt a sense of excitement and hope, but that happiness was tinged with doubt as i asked myself was this really all achievable, realistically, for me. But I believe with all my heart that it IS possible!! I am a firm believer (well, I used to not be, but things have changed since then! :) ) that if you really, really want something, and stay strong and never give up fighting, you will, in time, triumph over all your demons and reach your goal. I am so so glad my blog is of a help to you! Thank you so much, you are so lovely <3 xxx