Alongside the fact that I have always been fascinated by mythical creatures in general - my childhood games were always filled with unicorns, dragons, trolls and such like - the image of this particular magical beast has a special resonance for me.
For I can liken myself to the phoenix, in a way. For I was so, so close to truly killing myself...but then, in May 2014, I realised that I had to make that change. I was, slowly but surely, destroying myself, by never fighting that ruthless, mainpulative little voice in my head. And even, in that moment of crucial realisation, it did, at first, appear as it it was, really and truly, too late. I had carried along that road for so, so long, that to even attempt to change my path seemed nigh on impossible. I wanted to give up. I yearned so badly to just continue on with that life that now was what represented reality, to me: it was familiar, in a terrible, awful sort of way, and the thought of having to step out of that horrible, cold, but familiar world was to me, at the time, truly frightening. I wanted to stay there, right where I was...or, more than ever, ever before, I wished I could just curl into a ball and hide away from the rest of the world; to fall asleep forever and to never wake up. To be, for the first time in what seemed like a lifetime, at peace.
It was as if my life, my whole world had been torn apart, leaving nothing but broken, shattered pieces, flimsy little embers, in my hands.
But then, just like a phoenix, I rose from those ashes.
And if I can do it, I know that you can too.
I believe that we can all be phoenixes, together. I believe we can together make our weaknesses our strength. That we can turn on that voice that was our greatest ever enemy and the source of our greatest pain. We can leave that world we once knew - the one that was the only one we ever knew, it seemed - but one which was full of suffering. We can turn those ashes into something positive. And just like the phoenix we can become strong and whole again, and even more beautiful than before. :)
I like to think that in drawing upon my experiences and sharing my story, I can help those who have been, or who still are, in a similar place as I was, and am. I know I have come far, since that month when everything changed - May 2014. and along the way, I have grown. I'm wiser now. I know there's still alot to be learnt, and in 2015, the year when I will receive professional treatment for my eating disorder, I will come to learn even more.
I know that in choosing recovery, choosing to fight the voice of my ED, choosing life and happiness over misery and hurting - I will be able to make a difference. I will be abble to reach out to those who are struggling. I will be able to proof that eating disorders can, and will, be beaten.
I have made my weakness my strength.
And I know that you can too. :)
I know this post was a bit of a ramble..Sorry about that. You wouldn't know it but it was originally intended to be the continuation of my last post about 2014. That's coming up next !! And i'll try not to waffle, promise. :)