At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Monday, 2 February 2015

How I know I am stronger. :)

  • I no longer want my eating disorder to be part of me. I know now that there is so, so much more to me than my eating disorder...I no longer want my eating disorder to be the end of me.

  • I now have the ability to identify, recognise and acknowledge the traits and talents that are unique to me. I no longer feel inclined to tel myself, in tones of disgust and cruel reproach, that I am useless at everything and that my presence doesn't matter. Rather, I see myself for the person I really am. I am a baker and a cook, a walker, an animal-lover, a girl who loves to travel and visit different countries. A young woman who loves being in nature, talking and listening to people, giving hugs, drinking hot chocolate. I am a daughter, a sister and a friend. I am kind, thoughtful, caring, and compassionate.  And I never give up in fighting for what I believe in. :)

  • I now feel happy to sleep on in the mornings, and get up much later than I had perhaps originally planned. Sometimes when this happens I do feel slightly irritated - but only because this means I have less time to blog before breakfast, rather than the fact that getting up later probably means less calories burned off.:)

  • I no longer have a fear of being too full. After dinner yesterday, I was super bloated - I literally had to totter into my bedroom as soon as we had finished to put my loose-fitting PJs on as anything else seemed to make me feel even fuller at that moment. But do you know what? Instead of panicing, I was smiling, laughing in despite of myself. Laughing in the face of my ED, which would always say, back then, that because you are full, Emmy, you are fat...and I would always, always agree. But now, it's a completely different story. I know that fullness does not equal to fatness. For me, right now, in this crucial stage of recovery, fullness is not a bad thing. And after all, it doesn't last forever. In fact, I am even beginning to get hunger cues...and, instead of simply ignoring my body's signals like I once did beforehand, I now feel more than happy to respond. :)

  • Over the weekend, Mam made everything for me. She made my breakfast, my dessert, my sandwiches at lunch, numerous mugs of hot choc, <3 , she cooked me dinner, got my snacks for me and made me fresh homemade scones. (I know this makes me sound reallllly lazy right now !!!;) ) but I know, in letting her make all this lovely food for me, I am also making myself stronger. Before, I would almost always insist on making my own food, eighty percent of the time...because then I would know exactly what went in it and I wasn't eating any of my "unsafe" foods. But this weekend was completely different. I put my complete trust in Mam. I enjoyed every single mouthful of what she made for me. And no of course I didn't know how much mayonnaise was in my egg, cress and tomato submarine rolls. Or how many squares of chocolate I ate (haha, alot I can assure you though ;) ), how much oil had been used to cook my salmon. It doesn't matter to me anymore. I know it is al going to help me in moving forward, and making me stronger against my ED. :)

  • In all honesty I have lost count of the amount of new foods I have tried over the past few weeks...things that one time I would never even have contemplated trying, because in my head, I had convinced myself I didn't like them, without even having tasted them before. Examples??? Welll......coleslaw, goat's cheese tartlets, potato salad, parsley sauce, champ, choux name a few!!! ;)

Once upon a time, it was always me who was the weaker one...

But now I know I am stronger. :)

And I know that you can be, too. 

So f*ck the Voice. The Voice which tells you you are fat, that you are worthless. That forces you to revolve your life around calories and restriction and over exercising. Which causes you to lie and deceive your loved ones, which forces you to hurt them, hurt yourself, and cry endless rivers of tears. 

Be stronger than the Voice of your Eating Disorder. Fight for the life that you love. <3 xxx


  1. This was exactly what I needed this morning :) You are such an INCREDIBLY strong person. It's awe-inspiring how much progress you have made in such a short period of time. If everyone had your strength, courage and determination, anorexia would no longer exist. I want more than anything for you to get past this because I honestly cannot think of anyone more deserving of a happy, healthy and carefree life. Not only are you beating this disease, but you have the courage to share your store to help others. You're going to save lives with this blog, Emily. I feel so fortunate to be one of your readers!

    -N (p.s. working on a reply to your e-mail, sorry it's taking so long!)

    1. <3 oh thank you so, so, SO much that is so sweet and kind of you to say!! <3 I can't even begin to thank you enough - this really means so so much to me and it makes me so happy to think that my blog is helpful to you and others in some way <3 thank you so so much and I absolutely can't wait to hear from you soon <3 and I feel so, so fortunate to have YOU as one of my readers!! Thank you thank you thank you , ever so much<3 xxxxxx