More French baking!! ;) But this time, the classic baguette. :)

As you all know I am very much in awe of the baking scheme of things in France. And out of all those irresistible baked goods one can readily associate with the French boulangeries...I think the baguette has to be on my top ten, anyway. There's just something truly magical about a baguette...that lovely crisp crust encasing the fluffy, soft inside; that distinctive shape which makes it so easy to cut into little portions...and to ram into your shopping bag when you're in a hurry...and to break off the top part for a nibble as you hurry along. I read somewhere that in France they always buy two baguettes because by the time one gets home from the bakery with the said baguettes, it is a common occurence that at least half of a baguette has already been consumed. And that's not even to mention the gorgeous, mouth-watering smell; that authentic, tantalising taste...is it any wonder that the word baguette, when translated straight back into French, actually means "wand"? It's very difficult, after all, to not be enchanted by its charm.

Now of course the one thing about making baguettes at home is that unfortunately, most of us won't be able to produce loaves quite as long as the ones you get in the shops, due to oven and tray sizes. But that's not a problem with me, and I hope it won't put you off either. Mine are rarely the perfect size. I remember the very first time I did this recipe: the baguettes sort of resembled crocodiles because they had ridges that looked like the raised eyes of this reptile, and had narrow ends that looked like tails. But so what. Your baguettes are unique and different from everyone else's... who wants to make an exact replica of another baker's? With the recipe below I usually like to make two medium sized baguettes. Though little ones are cute and fun, and are ideal for making yummy sandwiches or for dunking into soup. :)

• 350 g strong white bread flour plus extra for dusting
• 1 tbsp light brown soft sugar
• 1 tsp salt
• 1 ½ tsp easy-blend yeast/7g sachet instant yeast
• 2 tbsp olive oil
• 250 ml tepid water
• Egg wash or milk for glazing

Method

1. Grease a bowl with oil. Sift the flour and salt into a big bowl and stir in the yeast and the sugar. Make a well in the centre.
2. Add the two tablespoons of olive oil and most of the water. Mix with your hands until it starts to come together to form a soft dough. Add a little more water if it feels dry, or a little more flour if it feels very sticky.
3. Very lightly dust a work surface with flour. Gather the dough into a ball and turn out onto your work surface. Knead for about 10 minutes until the dough is soft, pliable and stretchy.
4. Place the dough in the oiled bowl, turning once to coat the top, and then cover with greased cling film. Place in a warm, draught-free place to rise for about 1 ½ -2 ½ hours. When it’s ready it should be twice its original volume and should feel springy when gently pressed with a fingertip.
5. Line the biggest baking tray you have – or two if you are worried about the baguettes touching – with baking paper. Give the inflated dough a big punch to knock out the air and then turn out onto a very lightly floured surface.
6. Knead briefly, and then, if you are making two baguettes, cut the dough into half with a sharp knife. Roll the two halves out into rectangles with a rolling pin. I usually roll mine out to about 30cm x 15cm, but this is a rough guide only.
7. Roll the rectangles up tightly lengthways, so that you have two longish cylinders. Roll them gently back and forth on the very lightly floured surface to seal the join slightly.  Carefully transfer to the baking tray.
8. For smaller “demi” baguettes, cut into smaller pieces depending on how big you want them. If they are very small, don’t roll out into rectangles – it’s easier to shape them into balls (roll them underneath the cup of your hand to achieve a nice smooth round shape), before then flattening each ball with the palm of your hand so you have a sausage shape. Roll gently back and forth on the surface and then place on the tray. For medium-sized ones roll out into rectangles as above and roll up in the same way.
9. With a very sharp knife cut slashes in the baguettes at regular intervals (make the slashes deep, though…I have made the mistake before of only making them shallow and they closed in on me as the bread rose. :( ). Then cover again with the greased cling film and put in the warm place to rise for about 1 ½ -2 hrs.
10. Preheat oven to 200c/180c fan.
11. Lightly brush the baguettes with egg wash or a little milk (or if you have any spare egg whites or egg yolks lurking in your fridge that you need using up, they can be used for brushing the baguettes too) and then very lightly dust with flour.
12. Bake for 15-20 minutes for the big baguettes, or 10-15 minutes for the smaller ones. When they are cooked they should be risen and beautifully golden, and should sound hollow inside when tapped on the base.
13. Remove from the tray and place on a wire rack. If you like a soft crust as I do, then wrap in clean tea towels to cool. They are gorgeous eaten warm, served as an accompaniment to a main course or stuffed with fillings for very tasty sandwiches. They don’t keep any longer than a day though – it’s a good idea to freeze any remaining baguette in little chunks so that they can easily be reheated. :)

College and my ED.

Today and yesterday, Ganache-Elf found herself, not in her more regular haunts or engaged in her usual every day activities (ie. baking away in that sunlit kitchen at home, trotting along the hedge-lined lanes in a vain attempt to keep up with her faithful canine companion, or nestled comfortably in her favorite armchair in the conservatory overlooking the garden, blogging away to her heart's content - no, instead Ganache-Elf was in a place which she had not laid eyes upon for several months now. Though it only seems like yesterday when I last walked through the Front Arch of Trinity College. No, lectures haven't quite started yet - they're due to start this coming Monday. Rather I was there to see a few of my closest friends. But I ended up - unintentionally, but willingly all the same - joining a few societies too. But what I really wanted to tell you about today was the fact that for once, I felt sort of...well, happy to be there, I suppose. Happy to be part of Trinity, and happy to be amongst all those smiling, cheerful young people who were there in force today: handing out bags of Haribos and trying to convince undecided first years that their society was THE society and that their life depended on joining it.

 You see for me, college has never really been a place where I have felt happy, at home, secure, or which I have felt a sense of belonging towards: I always was of the frame of mind that I shouldn't really be here. For starters of course, my general feelings towards my course has always made me feel like a misfit.  But also, for me, college is directly associated with leaving home and trying to navigate your way through the big, scary real world on your own. And I know for a fact that is when my ED was as its worst, and when I lost the most weight.

 I clearly remember the things I did over the past two years, during my first and second years there, when my ED has me firmly within its grip; and I seemed oblivious to how awful I really looked. The funny thing is, I was ashamed of how I looked: and I felt unattractive and ugly in comparism to my peers, many which seemed so confident and well-dressed and so on...but I was too stupid to ever stop and think: would I not look better, and feel better too, if I just stopped this cycle of destruction and self-denial? Would I not then feel as if I belonged; that I wasn't just a scared, silly little girl who had no sense of self-confidence or esteem whatsoever...and realise that I am worth something? That I shouldn't feel as if I'm in the wrong place altogether? But no. I only ever considered the opposite. I'm ugly now, but if I gain weight and become fat, I will become even uglier. Better be skinny and ugly than fat and ugly Em! I have to control my food intake...it's the only thing within my control in this place.

 For me, back then, a college day would usually mean...

• Waking up every day with a feeling of dread and anxiety...another day at college, for people to see the grey lines under my eyes and the dryness of my skin. To think: she is so small, she is so ugly, she looks such a mess.
• And waking up starving too, but too afraid to have a good breakfast, in case my stomach started to rumble later on in the day, forcing me to have some sort of lunch...and, according to my ED, eating a good breakfast AND lunch is most certainly NOT allowed.
• Feeling hungry in lectures but just ignoring the feeling, or saying to myself I will eat later, when I'm alone. But rarely fulfilling that promise. 
• Having what I pretended to myself was lunch on my own in the library...usually this would consist of a piece of fruit and dry bread. If anything.
• telling myself that it was ok that my dinner in the evenings was usually nothing more than a few pieces of pasta, a slice of toast, a meagre bowl of cereal, a portion of vegetables.
• Going to bed with my stomach empty and starving...but always, always making this false promise to myself: It's ok, I know I didn't eat that much today, but I will make up for it tomorrow! Which I never, never did. 

But this year...this year is going to be different. I'm determined to make it so. It's true to say that I have less hours this year and I probably won't be spending as much time up there...and also that I'm not actually living up in Dublin this year, either...I'm commuting from home. But I want to make sure I continue to eat well this year, at home and at college...that college can be somewhere where I can enjoy food and the company of others. It used to be just me and my ED: that voice which would dictate what I should and should not eat, and which I always obeyed without question. I know that I probably won't ever feel exactly on top of the world at college...I still feel, because I don't like my course, that I will never be a hundred percent happy there...and I still don't feel as if I fit in amongst my fellow students...to me, they will always be so much more intelligent, smart, intellectual. Everything I'm not basically. But instead of thinking...eating as little as possible will give me some sense of control and strength in this scary, unfeeling, and uncaring place...I now think...eating well and taking on my ED will make me stronger and more mature, and give me courage and a sense of comfort and reassurance when I feel down and stressed as I attempt to find my way through third year English Studies. I'm not going to let my ED or my sense of ineptitude as far as my course is concerned convince me that my presence is worthless and that I am just a nobody. I was lost, but I'm not going to lose myself again...I know who I am and I know what and who is important to me. And I'm hopeful that now I'm recovering, college will become a brighter place too, and that I will realise that I have a place here too.

Where will my blogging take me from here...

I find it hard to believe that I've been writing My Cocoa-Stained Apron for a few months, now. Writing it has really become part of my everyday routine. Whenever I wake up in the morning one of the first things I actually think of is what I might blog about today; and I spend many a hot chocolate break strolling through my blog and editing spelling mistakes, etc (though I am quite sure that there are many more ;) ). But it really has been such a special and meaningful journey for me. I've discovered that I love to blog and that i still do love to write. It's not that I can't write, I understand now...I can. But I write best about the things that mean alot to me; and I know that for me writing is something that I don't want to do at all hours of the day...I think for me, writing will always be a hobby. Not something that I want to spend my life doing.
I really do hope I will still be able to write when I go to college...in fact I am determined that I will, though perhaps not to the extent to which I have been able to over summer. I will still be baking, after all. And I want to focus still on trying new recipes and develop on the ones I've created myself.
 And My Cocoa-Stained Apron has really helped to erode my sense of worthlessness and ineptitude and show to me that...yes, I can bake, I AM a baker and I have my own little style and strengths. :) Last year I went for the Irish Bake-Off on TV3...of course I only got as far as the first set of interviews (though that, in itself, was an achievement of sorts for me anyway!) but I am keen to have another stab at it this year. AND maybe even the British one, too. I know I don't have much of a chance of getting that far or anything...but well you never know unless you try.
 And I plan to continue writing posts about my ED, too, and everything I went through and everything I remember...and try to give heartfelt advice to anyone out there who is struggling as I was. I know I am no expert, but what I know with certainty is that eating disorders are rotten, horrible, destructive things that wreck people's lives and cause so much hurting and pain and suffering. And that I would do anything that I could in my power to help all those men, women, girls, boys who are burdened with this horrific disease. And so this is where I start I suppose...writing a blog which I hope can make you realise that recovery is possible...and that there are hundreds of people out there like you. Be brave and take that first crucial step like I did earlier on this summer...tell someone, seek help, and don't wait or falter for any longer. Only you can decide to change your own life. I know how important the help, support and love of others is at this time...but you must know that if you want to get better you need to want it...and not have others just on your case all the time, telling you you need to change...a big part of this ball game is in your court, now. So don't shy away and let the ball drop from your hands...be a player...take control of your own life rather than letting an ED control you.

I take you for granted.

Today is a little different from other days...my brother is moving out and of couirse I feel a little sad, more than a little, I have to admit. But anyway I don't want to go into too much detail about this...but what I do want to talk about is this. I know that by nature I am a bit of a worrier and probably always will be! But I think that I spend so much time worrying and fretting and overthinking things and situations that sometimes I fail to take in all the wonderful, wonderful parts of my life...namely, the people (and animals :) ) in it, the beauty of the world around me, all the stuff I own, the things I am privelaged to do...

Firstly my family...my amazing, loving, supportive, wonderful family! Who, despite the shit that I put them through with my ED, are still there for me, every single part of every single waking day. Who have helped me to dry my tears and to learn to smile again, even on the blackest and gloomiest days. Who remind me that even if I lost everything, even if I am the most useless and pathetic human creature on the face of this earth...that I will always have them, and that they will always love me for who I am.

And all my friends...all those amazing individuals who one day just entered my life by chance...but words can't express how lucky and overjoyed I feel that they did. My life would never have been the same without my true, close friends. It's true that over the past few years I've learnt that not everyone who you happen to meet and become friendly with is exactly what you would call a real friend. I was naive and stupid for thinking that at one time. But I know who my true friends are, and I know that I can rely on them, that will always be willing to help and listen to me. My friends and family have made my world a brighter, happier place.

And all my furry friends too, many of which are no longer with me, but who will remain in my heart forever and whose memory I will never forget. They made me feel needed and loved when I felt so near to feeling nothing but useless and unwanted, than my presence on earth was worthless and unnecessary. I knew that they would always understand me that they would love me no less for the stupid, idiotic things I did; in those bright little eyes there was nothing but love.

And then something that really, really takes my breath away at this time of year, and makes me realise how precious and beautiful life really is? It's the natural beauty of my surroundings...from my very own garden to the lane upon which I walk with Benny every day, to the mountains where we go for a ramble sometimes at the weekends, to all the little woods near my home, and beyond that, of course, to all the other places that I have ever travelled to or visited. It's incredibly, incredibly beautiful...take this morning for example...as I walked out at around 7 am the flog was just clearing and I could just discern the crystal-clear blueness of that sky just about peeking through. And then I saw a hawthorn tree absolutely laden with blood-red berries. And the leaves of the trees are beginning to turn! Soon they will be all golden and copper and brown, and the forests will resemble a scene from a painter's easel...only far more superior. But even now though, in the early stages of autumn...the word stunning would do the beauty of those trees an injustice. They are still emerald green, but hints of tellow-gold are just beginning to appear. And I look upon them and think...how could I ever have wished, in those dark, sad times all those months ago, that my life would just end?

I know...I know, it is easy for me to say that now: and when we are down it is so easy to just forget all the goodness in our lives as the darkness swallows everything and consumes you. But well...it is not easy to stay positive...but it's not impossible to do, either. To focus on the positives and not the negatives when something bad happens. To believe things will get better and that everything happens for a reason. There is hope and light and happiness to be found, always, even when we are in the most darkest of places. We just need to remember that and keep our chins up and carry on!

I will leave you now with the little quote my mam found me and had posted on my facebook wall...it is so, so true of life and I hope it will stay with you, as it does for me. I scribbled this one, and a load of other inspiring quotes which spoke directly to my heart, on little slips of paper top be stuck at the top of my bed, in my food diary, on my desk...wherever I would see them every day so that I would read them and smile and think...everything will be ok. And I have so much to be grateful for, and I'm not going to take that for granted ever again.:)

Life is too short to be anything but happy. Falling down is part of life, getting back up is living.

very sticky coconut slices...

These are surely, one of those bakes that really, really have stood the test of time...they are so classic but oh so scrumptious, and have lost absolutely NONE of the appeal that they had years ago I say. There is most certainly a good degree of stickiness involved, eating these. What with that soft buttery pastry, the gorgeously sweet raspberry jam, and that divine layer of dessicated coconut to top it all, you might well need a napkin - or two if you're like me and are inclined to dive back in that tin for more. ;)

I usually cut mine into roughly about 20 slices - 5 cuts across the cooked cake lengthways, and then 4 widthways - or 16 squares if I feel there is a need for them to be larger than usual. Though of course you can cut them as little or as large as you like. :)

Ingredients

• 2 large eggs and 1 large egg white. (But don't discard the yolk...they are useful for so many things. Put the spare one in a small bowl and add a tablespoon of water. It will keep in the fridge for a few days. See my list of egg yolk recipes (forthcoming ;) ) for ways in which egg yolks can be used. It might be of use to you if you make meringues etc and have a load of egg yolks leftover.
• 150 caster sugar
• 100 g butter, diced
• 150 g dessicated coconut
• About 8-9 generous tbsp raspberry jam (or blackcurrant and strawberry might be nice...but raspberry is definitely my favourite for these. :) 
• 200 g self-raising flour
• 2 tbsp very cold water

Method

• Grease a baking tin/roasting tray (a rectangular one is best: mine is about 28 cm x 18 cm.) and line with baking paper as the slices are VERY sticky as already mentioned. ;) Preheat oven to 180c/160 c fan.
• For the pastry base: Sift the flour into a bowl and add the diced butter. Rub in very lightly using your fingertips until the mixture resembles fine breadcrumbs, with no lumps of fat.
• Lightly stir in 50 g of caster sugar and make a well in the centre of this dry mixture.
• Separate the 2 whole eggs, adding the whites to the 1 extra one. Be very careful when you are separating that no trace of egg yolk leaks into the whites.:) (Ganache-Elf tip. I have never been able to separate eggs the way you see the pros do it on the telly. And I am sure most of you have your own way of separating eggs which is far better and more effective than mine. But anyway JUST in case you don't...I like to crack one egg into a small bowl (cracking its shell by tapping it hard on the edge of the bowl). Next, I place an egg cup over the egg yolk and then tip the bowl at an angle over another larger bowl, so that the egg white separates easily from the yolk and slides into the bigger bowl. Then the egg yolk is put into another separate bowl (I know...this way probably does create alot of washing up, but anyway... ;) ) before I move on to separate the next one.
• Slide two of the egg yolks into the well in the centre of the flour, and then add 2 tbsp very cold water. Mix with a flat bladed knife at first until the mixture starts to come together, then use your hands to gather it together into a soft ball. If it feels a little dry, add a few teaspoons of water. The dough should feel soft and slightly moist, though not overly sticky. 
• Press the dough out evenly into the baking tin with your hands. Pop it in the fridge to rest for a little bit while you make the coconut topping.
• For the coconut topping, whip the 3 egg whites in a clean bowl to stiff peaks. If you tip the bowl slightly, the whipped whites should reamin in the bowl, not moving - nothing should run out! Fold in the dessicated coconut and the remaining 100 g sugar. 
• Take the pastry out of the fridge and generously spread over the jam. Then spread over the coconut topping to evenly cover the jam layer.
• Bake for 15 - 20 minutes. The coconut should be beginning to turn golden, but should not be too dark. Remove from the oven and leave to cool in the tin.
• Cut into squares/rectangles using a very sharp knife when cold. They are gorg with a cup of tea, or deliciously decadent splodged with custard for a cheeky pud. ;)

I love breakfast.:)

It’s 7.30 am and I’ve been up since 7 writing bits of draft for the blog…and much to my surprise, my tummy is gurgling away like nobody’s business. It’s unusual for me to get hungry quite this early. It usually takes my body a good hour or so to wake properly, but usually, by the time I’ve finished my walk and it’s gone nine, I am starving and can’t wait to get the breakfast ready. I love breakfast and I am beginning to think, since this is the time of the day which I always seem to  feel the most hungry, perhaps I should take advantage of that and aim to eat just a little more than I usually do around brekkie time.

I’ve never been into a full English or anything like that…no, my ideal breakfast has to be, as I’ve mentioned before, hot buttered wholemeal toast with either jam or peanut butter…and a hearty bowl of cereal with lots of milk which is usually warmed unless it’s Weetabix.;) I recall all too well how minimalistic I used to be despite the fact that I had such a good appetite at breakfast time…it would always be a really titchy bowl of cereal with the smallest amount of milk as possible; the toast would have to be a really thin piece of bread with barely and spread on it…and that was when I actually had breakfast. And I felt as if I couldn’t have both, of course.

And so now, here is what I do try to aim for at breakfast time…

·         To have both cereal and toast

·         To have plenty of cereal in my bowl, and to not feel restricted to a small certain amount

·         To have not 1, but 2 weetabix!

·         To have different varieties of cereals, especially the ones that are low in sugar and absorb milk – these are in general my preferred choice anyway.

·         To have plenty of milk (preferably full-fat unless the other sort needs using up.)

·         To have plenty pf spread and peanut butter on toast

·         To have different varieties of bread for toast: brown, multigrain, wholemeal etc. And to not feel as if it has to be thinly sliced. Those thick crusts are so nice. ;)

Eating out with an ED.

Two weeks ago, the day before my sis arrived home to stay with us for a few days, I remember the feelings of excitement and happiness coursing through me. I hadn't see her in ages and I couldn't wait for a good proper catch-up. Also, the prospect of baking lots of Liz's favourite cakes - she, like me, has a bit of a sweet tooth and is also a fiend for all things chocolate; and would often chip in if I was baking when she was around, assisting me in licking out the chocolate bowl and nibbling on the chocolate chips, etc - and cooking a special family meal to share with all my loved ones always filled me with a sense of delight and self-content. But then, much to my disappointment, Mam mentioned those two words which once, when I had my ED, would have filled me with anxiety and apprehension. "eating out". And I still felt little twangs of those feelings two weeks ago...and I realised that I was afraid again. Why? Was it the thought of being moved out of my comfort zone? Of being served up a very large portion of food which I would be expected to eat? Of having to try something new and completely different? To not be in control of my food as I, for once, was not the one preparing it?
 I think those were my old fears...the above reasons, I think, were what caused me to be always so reluctant to eat out when I had my ED. But now it's more a case, I think, of...failure! Failing what? I suppose I am frightened of letting my family down again and letting any of my old habits show...and the risk of that happening does become more high when eating out. Being given a massive plate of food...I know I'm never expected to eat it all, but I recall all too well the last times we ate out and this occurred, and I felt uneasy and anxious, and that old voice was back in my head, You can't eat that, that's too much, eat as slow and as little as you can, let them know that it's too much and that you don't like it by not speaking or anything, etc...
 I really want to focus on eradicating that voice completely...as looking back now I know how much stress and frustration I caused my family whenever we ate out together. As my Mam says, eating out should be something to look forward to; not to get stressed about...and I really hope that in the future I will be able to make up for all those times in the past when what should have been a happy occasion was spoilt by my actions. So, the next time we eat out...I have made a solemn promise to myself...to ignore those voices in my head, to smile, to laugh, to eat and enjoy.