The Branches of Recovery...Overcoming Meal Time Anxiety

Mealtime anxiety...Another thing which represents an enormous obstacle for me to overcome. In terms of sticking to my meal plan, I suppose the ones which I have actually neglected so to speak the past few months, were the snacks and lunch and breakfast, because often I would be eating these on my own or without support. But in terms of actually eating the aforesaid meals/snacks...dinnertimes have always proved much, much more trickier for me.

One of the nights last week was just a prime example of this. Before I sat down I tried to soothe my anxious mindset, telling myself that it will be grand, I can do this, I have nothing to fear, I can do this. Ed is not going to win this battle. Sadly, in this case, Ed did. I was not strong enough.

I had done some of my lovely roast garlicy potatoes, and had heaped them in a large serving dish for everyone to help themselves. I waited nervously for everyone to finish doing their own, before tentatively picking up the spoon. I could feel the colour rising in my face, a prickly, unpleasant sensation creeping along the bumps of my spine. And then...the Voice. You can't - have - more than -

That doesn't look enough, I should have more...

No, you can't, Em. The all too familiar voice of Ed.

I can... Weakly, I try to resist.

You cannot. You CANNOT. You - will - not...

"Emmy, have some more, for God's sake." Mam's voice, sharp and as tight as her face, cut across the dialogue in my head like a fist smashing through thin glass.

"No, no I don't want anymore, that's what I normally have". The words were stuttered and slurred because I knew, deep down, that it was a lie. I felt like my head was spinning at about a hundred miles per hour; as if I were plummeting through some infinite, gaping, dizzying space.

And the evening was ruined, again...because of Ed.

                                         Like the beautiful trees of my garden...we all have the strength deep inside us, to grow, and reach                                                                                                                      for the sky...<3 xxx

I don't ever want that to happen again. Because, after all...coming together as a family to sit down for a meal together...should be a pleasurable and enjoyable occasion, a special time of the day for conversation and laughter and shared stories. Not anxiety, panic, fear. Because that's what Ed does to me, at mealtimes. And I can honestly say, I am sick of it...I don't want to feel like that anymore, ever again. So I am determined to overcome this obstacle, the same way as I am determined to conquer my meal plan mission. And I do feel stronger, now. I know that I am stronger. I realise now that there is nothing that I cannot overcome.

So, here are my current strategies on how to deal with my mealtime anxiety. perhaps you will be able to use them too, if you can relate to my difficulties in any way.

• Allowing Mam to serve up my dinner portions until I get stronger.
• When possible have meals with others always.
• The "fake it until you make it" method. When I was in hospital, the meals were served up for us and we had to eat them: it wasn't something we had a say in, or any agency in whatsoever. So, I am going to put myself in that situation again, when I am sitting having dinner at home and Mam serves up for me. I am just going to say to myself: I have no control or choice in regards to the meals. I have to eat it; I have to stick to my meal plan, I have to eat what is put in front of me...there is no other option.
• Always remind myself of the bigger picture. Why should I have fear of the food? It is going to make me stronger, healthier, and ED weaker. And when Ed gets weaker...I know that I will get healthier, happier, and strongr. Stronger than ED.
• Talking back to the Voice...I now have a load of different defence stances at my disposal. My favourite one, as given to me by my dear friend who has helped me so much in regards to recovery. "Ed? you know what? You're just a conniving piece of shit who is trying to bring me down and take away everything that I have. You're trying to convince me that I will be huge, if I eat my dinner and don't restrict like you used to make me do. Well, it's over, Ed. I am not going to listen to you any more...because my eyes have been opened and I can clearly see you for the lying, manipulative, evil little thing that you really are...
• Ask for support when I need it. I am feeling anxious or panicky, tell my Mam how I am feeling. Distract myself from the food by listening to the others talking and joining in the conversation too.  

I also think I might set aside a bit of time over the next few days to make myself a new recovery folder/journal. And as luck might have ita dear friend of mine got me a gorgeous new notebook for Christmas (oh she knows me too well....my love affair with stationery continues!! ;) ) and I think this will be perfect for such a purpose. More details coming soon <3 Have a lovely Tuesday everyone :) <3 xxx

The Branches of Recovery: My Meal Plan

The first two of my branches, I suppose, are the ones which I am currently addressing at the moment. These two branches divide out into lots of different little stems, each of which must be tended to individually and with equal importance. Not one little segment of recovery should ever be neglected.

And so how am I going to about making sure that I continue to follow my meal plan correctly...and not shoot off course as I did the last time.

1.)Plan out in food diary: designate a particular time of the week (ie Friday afternoon for me :) to write out what I will eat for each day.

This is important for a number of reasons. Firstly of course because in writing it down I know exactly what I will have and when; there isn't any indecisiveness or uncertainty. As we all know, ED thrives in such situations.

And also, I did make Mam aware that I am keeping a food diary...I didn't ask her directly to check it now and again, which I wish I could do, very much, as I know how much easier it would be for me if I knew that she would be definitely monitoring my food intake.But anyway, i know that she is aware of it...and I have been leaving it around, quite visibly, on top of my piles of college papers and other accumulations of various bits of junk lying in various positions around the house!! So she could very easily look at it, anytime. Now, I know what you are probably thinking now: that by not asking her directly for support, I am listening to my eating disorder as there is nothing more ED hates more than being put out in the open . But I can honestly say, hand on heart, this is not the whole truth. My prolem lies in that I never made my family fully aware of how I completely slipped off track in regards to the meal plan...I was extremely secretive about it, to say the least, and successfully concealed the real truth og things for months on end - and I am, needless to say, still very, very afraid of their reaction if they were to find out the whole truth. :'(
I hope that one day I will have the courage to tell her, and that she will be able to forgive me. I regret the deciet and the concealment with all my heart. Because my Mam, my wonderful, amazing, one in a million Mam...means more than the world to me. More than the universe, more than life itself. All I can do is take that guilt and the deep love I possess for my Mam, my family, my friends, my loved ones...and  use it to drive me on, drive me on when the rain pours down and the clouds gather together to block out the light. But this time, I will not lose hope...this time, I will carry on. orm may rage and the rain may fall...But instead of running from that storm, i will laugh in its face and dance in that rain. Let Ed say what it likes...this time, I will not let it steal away the rainbow that will appear in my sky. <3 xxx

We CAN reach that beautiful horizon... <3 xxx

2.)write out meal plan and stick on noticeboard in the kitchen...yes, as that's where everyone will be able to see it, everyone will know exactly what Emmy is supposed to be having...and there will be nowhere left for ED to hide. 
So that's what I am planning on doing, this evening..wriitng out my lovely, consice, no-nonsesnse meal plan , with lots of colours and smiley faces...and it will be stuck up on that oard by this evening!! Haha I might as well put up a pic of my master piece when its done, right? ;)

3.)Incorporate a number of different foods into my diet, so I never get bored of anything. I want to learn to love food again, see it no longer as an enemy; to be feared and rigidly controlled. No - I want to recognise it as something to be shared, enjoyed, and loved. :)

4.)Keep up my weekly goals in alliance with the meal plan so I am constantly challenging myself.

5.)Always bear in mind, The basic outline of the meal plan:

Breakfast, morning snack, lunch, afternoon snack, dinner, bedtime snack.
This has to always bbe stuck to every day, no exceptions.

6.)Remember that for now, I cannot rely on hunger cues/intuitive eating.
The body's system gets a bit messed up when we don't eat properly...it will take a while for it to settle down and begin to trust its owner once again.

7.) Write out my Golden Rules and Never Forgets...
Currently working on these...more on that to follow!!

                            Allow your recovery to grow...

And to finish off on a positive note. For my afternoon snack yesterday I had one of my blackberry scones(which I had made back in September but again, had not allowed myself to eat) AND...I did it myself. Granted, Mam was there at the same time - she had made teas for everyone and a hot choc for me <3, and said aloud across to her from the kitchen, "Mam, I don't know what to have for my snack..any ideas?" "I thought you were going to have one of those scones!! There's a load of them in the freezer." Seized with sudden bravado, I quickly hurried to the freezer, dug out the bulging bag in question, and before I knew it I was sitting down by the fire with my hot choc in one hand, and my plate with the buttered scone in the other.

One thing I have learnt from today then, I suppose, is that I can get support from those around me, but in a way which doesn't make me completely dependent - just a little helping hand to guide me along. Also, and I will be sure to do this in the future too - take full advantage of people being around and make sure I always eat my snack with everyone else, not sitting in my room or somewhere out of sight - as then,ED isn't given any opportunity to take advantage.

Here's a little quote I found on Facebook yesterday...
just as a reminder for all of us, to realise just how strong we really are... <3

Have the best Sunday ever everyone...good luck, and stay strong... <3 xxx

The Branches of Recovery...

In continuation from my post yesterday, I thought I would share with you the Branches of my Recovery which, as I strive to leave my relapse far behind and move forward with my recovery journey, I now recognise as essential for me to tend to, if I were reach that beautiful horizon. <3

I thought it would also be a good idea for me, to keep on writing little previews perhaps once or twice a week, in order to charter my progress and motivate me into keeping my goals! :)

So: last weekend: didn't fare too badly with my goals: varied lunch each day, had my spelt toast and pb, managed to have more than the paltry 2 tsp...not a great deal more, though, so this is something which I might need to continue working on. But I didn't have a scone on Sunday though - this was the one I didn't get done..I had a handful of salted cashews instead :o now I don't think eating nuts is a bad thing at all you understand; quite the opposite..and I am very partial to salted roasted cashews I must say, nommm ;) but. I still think I may keep an eye on this because a big part of me knows why I had the nuts instead of the scone. That was because mam wasn't there at the time...she wasn't there to do it for me or see that I was doing it myself...tschhhh :(

I know, that is so stupid and immature...that I am perfectly capable of getting a scone out of the freezer, defrosting and buttering it, by myself. And that just because there is no one else there to see and "approve" of my having one, that should not, in anyway, influence whether I choose to have one or not. It's just ED making up excuses, again, I suppose. :(

But well, I am going to have to try harder on this one. I know that I can...I have proven it to myself, now. It's one single little twig, of one of those many, many branches...the branches that make up the beautiful, organic, ever growing shoot which is recovery. A shoot which, like all living things, must be nurtured and tended to allow it to bloom.

And so...the Branches of my Recovery..here are my own.

• Stick to my meal plan
• Overcome my fear of being at the normal healthy weight for my body size
• Overcome my fear foods
• Overcome fear of eating out
• Dispense with the anxiety I have at mealtimes.
• Destroy certain obsessive and compulsive behaviours.
• Eradicate the ED type immaturity: no longer depend on others to make sure i am eating properly 

There are probably more, which I can't think of at the moment...but if they come to me I will pop them accordingly :)

In my next few posts I am going to talk about these a bit more in detail and reflect on how I can go about tending these branches and allow my recovery to grow.

But anyway, to finish off this wee post for today and to kick off the weekend...here are My Weekly Goals ;)

• Cleaning bowl and plate still needs working on...I find I am always leaving custard in the dessert bowl. Feel compelled to pick crusts or crumbs off bread and scones. Its done almost unconsciously: I've just done these things for so long, it's habitual to me. But habits can and will be broken...as I have proven to myself over the course of the past few weeks!!
• To make myself some homemade granola, to have for a breakfast cereal now and again with my toast :) Also, weetabix with warm milk is something which I have always loved, but havent had for some time...so I'm going to try and have those this week :)
• Make the wholemeal scones!!! I still haven't got round to doing that :o and to have one for my snack at some point during the week ;)
• To stop trying to push potatoes off my plate... This is abig one for me that I really want to work on. It's like a compulsion at every meal which I have been doing ever since ED got bad again this autumn..ahh!!! But even thinking about it makes me very angry; because I recognise how ridiculous a practice it is, but yet...I also recognise all too well how hard it will be for me to kick it for good. But. I am determined to persevere.

And then, of course, is my decision as regards the meal plan, which I will discuss a little further one of my posts this week.

Like the beautiful little snowdrop, pushing through the rocky soil... <3 xxx

Nurture it like a flower, let it branch out; let it blossom... Allow your recovery to grow.

 I really cant stress enough how helpful making goals has been for me since beginning to work on my relapse. And if you are in recovery I would strongly recommend you do the same, too. Because recovery is more than just waking up one day and saying to yourself, ok, today I am going to eat and make myself better. No, of course, its never going to be as simple as that.

Recovery can be compared to I suppose, the struggles of a young shoot pushing through a rocky soil. The shoot has to be constantly regenerating and strengthening itself: ever growing, ever renewing, becoming stronger and stronger and branching out as it pushes through the earth, reaching for that beautiful light; the light which represents life and energy and vitality.

But that same shoot can't just rely on one single sprout to keep it moving upwards. It has to branch out, develop a network of stems and shoots and roots, in order for it grow and develop to its full potential. So that little shoot becomes a beautiful flower...a flower which will open its buds and blossom in that beautiful sunlight. <3 xxx

As is the case for recovery. You can't just take one aspect of the recovery process, and spend all your time, energy and focus on that single one branch. "today I am going to work on my recovery: I am going to have a good breakfast". That's good, but...what about lunch? What about your snacks? What about resisting the urges to purge or compensate or overexercise?? When ED takes hold, it takes absolutely no prisoners: it is ruthless in its authority. But so too do we have to be, when confronting it. Though it is probably not in any of our natures not be merciful..we CAN'T afford to be compassionate, when it comes to driving out ED. We cannot afford to show it one scrap or inch of mercy.

I know this. I know this, with every inch of my soul and every beat of my heart...but now, I just need to put that knowledge and awareness into practice. My friend told me that I am clearly not quite angry enough with the Voice yet, the days I allow it to get the better of me. So its time to stop being pitiful and submissive, when it comes to fighting ED. It time to start being angry, and using that anger to my advantage, against my greatest ever enemy.

And so, for my next post, I thought I would  share with you The Branches of Recovery I need to Work on...and how exactly I am going to tackle these. :) <3 xxx

And of course, I thought I might start writing little previews perhaps once or twice a week, in order to charter my progress and motivate me into keeping mygoals, in order for my recovery progress to keep on growing and growing. I hope I have inspired you to give this a go, too, and to nurture your recovery with me, and allowing it to blossom and grow. <3 xxx

Why did I ever allow myself to think...that ED was the one who cared for me...

The Christmas tree is up, the twinkly lights are on and the scents of pine needles and pot-pourris linger in the air. My famous Santa hat (yes, the very same which you saw Benny posing in last year) has emerged from hibernation and has already been donned by me on numerous occasions since yesterday evening.

Our ancient, but much loved FAKE Christmas tree!!! <3

And you know, for once, I was able to put all the worry and upset over college aside, and just allow myself to enjoy being with my family. And to appreciate in life the things that really matter. Not to sound all sentimental, but to me now, what makes Christmas truly special, is just taking that time to perform these sweet little rituals, to just feel the presence of your loved ones around you, see the laughter and love in their eyes.

Deep inside me, embedded in one deep, hard knot of tightly-packed emotion, resides the guilt that never really leaves me, which, even at those times when I begin to feel those beautiful, sublime glimmers of joy and freedom warming the blood of my veins and making my heart feel like as if it could sing and glow, suddenly pushes itself forward, throwing the brightness into shadow, obscuring every trace of that beautiful light. It takes the form of an infinite, vast, dark cloud that engulfs that happiness and drives it away. So that my smile is always holding back the tears, so that that pure, untainted sense of joy, is always tinged with sorrow: the guilt which stems from knowing just how much I have hurt and betrayed and deceived my loved ones: my beloved family, my dear, special friends, from across the world. How could I be so selfish...why, oh why, did I prioritise obeying the Voice in my Head, over everything that I ever truly care for. How could I have put ED first; over my love for them?

And yet, they still have stood by me, as unflinchingly immovable as the rocks upon the seashore, strong and firm and unfaltering, against the fury of the tides which crash around them. And though that shore may be ever changing - that shore being the world that I know; the sea, the inexplicable forces of change at work around me and my loved ones...one truth remains the same.

I know that they will never give up on me...

I know that they will never stop caring.

And I know that I can do this, for them. They have been strong for me, for all of these long, hard, stormy years. Now it's my turn...to be strong and unfaltering and brave, for them.

Never let yourself forget, what, in this short, transitory little thing that we call life...what really matters.

Does that Voice...does that evil, malign horrible Voice in my Head, does that truly matter??

That voice which makes us starve ourselves, ceaselessly deceive our family and friends, push our bodies to the very brink of its existence, Which drives us into a state of fatigue, exhaustion: of an existence which can barely be termed as survival.

because living with that Voice, making that Voice believe that it is the thing in our lives which matters above everything else...that life, is hardly a real life at all. It is a living hell...and, more often than not, a death sentence.

Because it does hit me sometimes, just how close I got to hitting the rock bottom - how I essentially was balancing on the most narrowest of precipices; and how I only just managed to stop myself from falling. Falling, into an abyss of which there would have been no chance or hope of survival.

I want to leave that Voice behind...cast it away into the abyss; free myself from that belief that it is the Voice whick will make me happy: that it is the one who cares for me.

Yesterday afternoon, at home...the sitting room with the red wallpaper. The sound of the wind whistling softly outside. The reflection of the twinkly lights in the window beginning to become moist and foggy with the cold of the winter night. The warmth of Mam's hand around my own, as we stand together and gaze upon our beautiful, fully adorned, glistening Christmas tree, as bright and as radiant as if it had been scattered with dozen upon dozen of sparkling, radiant jewels.

This is what really matters to me...being with the people that I love.

This is where our relationship has to reach its end, Ed.

Because I no longer care for you. 

The battle rages on..

I'm not going to lie...today was hard. God knows why, but from the moment I got up this morning, I felt sluggish and crampy and my stomach was uncomfortably, horribly bloated. And I sort of knew that today was going to be difficult, because of that..and I could feel the anxiety creeping in deep inside me, because I knew then, that sticking to my meal plan would be all the more difficult, now. And by hell, it was.

But I did it.

Finally, I think I have truly found, that inner strength which was hidden deep inside me, all along.

I'm just hoping now that the bloating won't be as bad tomorrow - it completely ruined by appetite today, and I did struggle, I did experience alot of anxiety, even more so than under normal circumstances. There were several instances today when I thought, no, I can't do it. This is too hard, too hard. Surely restriction is easier than this.

But, this time, it was me, not ED, who was the stronger one.

I did indeed draw on my little list of ED fighting tools here as I discussed in a previous post..talking back to the ED voice, reminding myself of the promise I had made to

Now its time for my weekend goals...what are yours??? Feel free to share them with me ;) <3

1. Sunday is scone day!! ;) so i will have a scone with my hot choc in the afternoon again.
2. to stick to meal plan 100%, even if the bloating is still bad :( (really, really hoping that it wont be :'( 
3. for breakfast tomorrow have a slice of my own yummmy spelt bread <3 toasted with 2 tsp peanut butter :)
4. have ham in my roll on saturday, and thensunday, either egg mayo or tuna mayo
5. oh..that can be another goal actualy. to increase the amount of pb..because its true, 2 tsp realy isnt that much at all. so i might go for 2 tsp PLUS this weekend..see how i get on. The aim ultimately is to not measure it any more but for now I am just working on erasing my fear about eating it. 
6. apparently, its going to be gale force winds and heavy rain here, all day tomorrow :'( and so, this will mean I probably won't be able to venture too far with Benny :'( but I am going to try very, very hard to not get anxious about this, and not find myself getting grumpy and panicky about not getting as much walking done as I usually would... Thankfully, I have some useful distractions at hand to help me with this. a.) i am currently knitting a scarf fro my friend's xmas present which needs to e done for monday when i see her...so plenty of clicking and clacking of needles will take place tomorrow. b.) its time for the Ganache-Elf to perform the very elf-befitting tasks of wrapping presents and making mince pies, all of which I intend to perform tomorriow ;) and c.) we are putting up the tree..so so excited, its one of my favourite xmas rituals of all <3

                                                          Hard to believe that this was a year ago now...

More about this tomorrow, but I was thinking today. Is it time to up the meal plan? Am I just putting off the inevitable by waiting until next weekend to preview things?

It's a tough one to call, because as expected, making that first crucial step those few weeks ago was as frightening and as daunted as I anticipated it would be..and every day still represents for me, an enormous challenge, a battle. A battle which ensues from the moment I open my eyes in the morning, till when I lie down again to go to sleep at night. A battle which leaves me exhausted, overwhelmed, physically and mentally drained. more often that not, I feel as battered and as bruised at the end of the day as I would if I had just been dragged through a field of gorse bushes.

But at the same time, something's telling me that I should; that I should take the next step forward. Leave not a stone unturned...face Ed head on...

Because I know now, that I have the strength to win this fight - the fight for my freedom, the fight for my life - deep, deep inside me.

and that the only person who can realise that, who can make that change, who can destroy thisVoice, once and forever, is me. <3 xxx

Never forget...you have the power to do everything, change anything...

Look inside you and find your inner strength.

Looking around me now...I guess I've been in this place before.

Regrets. Ok, I guess everyone has them. Some, more than others.

for me though, it feels as if, at times, that my regrets number more than my mermories, my joys, my thoughts themselves. So many ifs and buts and whys. So many tears, so much pain, and agony, and sorrow. And that aching, hollow emptiness clawing deep within my heart, it refuses to go away, and is with me, every day, as I look back on my life so far, and think about all the mistakes I have made.

If only I didn't go back to Trinity...
If only I had taken my loved ones advice...
If only I could be that high achiever that I used to be. But now, I'm just a nobody. Now, I have absolutely nothing.

If only I had nourished my body properly, over the past 9 years...9 years of starving and hurting my body...and now I have the skeleton of an old woman...

                                          And that was the year...the year when it all began...

If only I had got help sooner.
If only I had not surrendered to ED's embrace, that day when it first ame into my life, all those years ago. :'(

It's true. I realise now, that this September, I did make a massive mistake, again. I chose to go back to Trinity. The option of taking another year off-books was there for me: so too, of course, was the option of never going back altogether. Once again, however, I let the Voice get the better of me...my inner critical voice. You should go back. You are a failure if you do not. It would be lazy and wrong to take another year out. Go back to coll. What else is there for you? I have to be a Trinity graduate. I have to. I won't go back on myself. I must. I should I have to - 

College comes before recovery.

because deep down, I knew I was not ready, I knew that I was far, far from recovered. I knew that ED was still part of me; I knew that I was not, after all my struggling, free from the Voice in my Head.

Conversation between me and Ed yesterday.

I need to do this reading now...but first, I must eat my snack...
Don't you dare eat your snack. You dont need it. I mean, look at your stomach, its bloated and full. You only had breakfast two hours ago...you don't need to eat now, at all.
No..I must stick to my meal plan. Leave me alone...
No...you can't eat it...give it an hour and then see...you have to feel hungry to eat...
No...no...no...I need to eat this...I need to do my reading, Please, for Gods sake, just leave me alone.
I won't ever leave you Em. I am part of you and you are part of me.

The result of this dialogue?

Once again, I just sat there for an hour, book open before me, the words as meaningless and as incomprehensible to me as they would be in they be if they were inscribed in Arabic numerals.

And sitting in that library, surrounded by the silent forms of the other students engrossed in their , I felt that horrible, queasy sense of deja vú settle in my stomach. Because looking around me now, I know, I've been in this place before.

Feeling like the dumb, stupid, useless girl.

A little girl lost in a huge, massive, uncaring world.

It's true. Once again, it seems as if I have made a complete and utter mess of college.

But if I can't do college, if I can't pass my degree, if it turns out that I am destined to be the girl who failed.

At least I can say that I tried.
And that if I can't do college, if I can't pass my degree...
 At least I can succeed in my recovery, find the real Emmy.Become the person I want to be, and destroy those feelings of failure, of self-doubt and self-hatred, destroy the Voice which is trying to pull me down, and destroy me.

Only one of us can win this battle.
It's either going to be me, or the Voice.