At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...
I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)
Thursday, 19 March 2015
What's happening to my Mind...
The Voice takes away so, so much. As I said in my previous post...it effects the sufferer physically, and mentally. I thought today I would speak from my experience, about what the Voice in my head has taken away from me.
I used to be the confident, happy, sunny girl with long blonde hair who loved to dance and write and run and chatter with her friends. But the Voice in my head eroded all of my confidene away, kleaving me with nothing exept the assumptions that I was too big, I needed, I had to be thinner, that when people looked at me they would see a plump, ugly girl who would always be the one to be chosen last when selecting teams in P.E. class. All that mattered was...weight loss. Eating less than everyone else. Standing when I should have been sitting, making several trips uop the stairs when I could have just gone up once, taking the tiniest portions of everything, never, ever accepting a chocolate or a sweet or a cookie when it was offered.
It took away my confidence and sense of self-worth, but it wasn't going to stop there, of course. It was never, ever satisfied...it just kept on taking, and taking, and taking, until I was left with almost nothing.
It took away my concentration...it essentially took over the whole of my brain, so that nearly every single thought that would enter my head was realted to either food or losing weight. Instead of spending my time thinking aout what most girls of my age would - clothes shopping and make-up and going places and meeting new people...my mind was obsessed with numbers and amounts and portion sizes. I could never not have too little, and God forbid that I would ever, ever have too much. I went to great lengths to ensure that such a terrible thing would never, ever be permitted to happen.
During the early stages of my ED, I became extremely focused on my studies. I didnt have any friends, I was lonely, isolated and miserable. But I did have two things, two things which kept me afloat, which I could turn to with open arms when the whole world seemed to turn on me. Those two things being, of course, my academic work, and my ED.
But when I left my home for college, my ED became stronger, I, ever weaker.Thus, it was further enabled to take yet more and more from me. Even that studious mindset and skill of learning things off by heart - everything which had got me through the hard slog of the Leaving Cert, essentially. And with that gone, I convinced myself that this time, I really did have nothing. Everything I had been proud of, every little attribute I ever had, had been taken away from me...by my E.D.
But now is the time that we all join hands together, and stand strong against that Voice. It has taken enough. Now it is time to fight...to fight against this thief who has stolen away so much from you. To fight for the things you thought you had lost forever. To fight for freedom from your ED.