At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...
I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)
Tuesday, 31 March 2015
It's Never too late to change.
It'a hard to believe that it's now the thirty first of March, 2015...before we know it, it will be April. Winter has relinquished its icy grip over the land. Now the branches of the cherry blossom are adorned with dainty, rose-pink flowers. Birds call sweetly from every tree. And in the garden of my home - the garden where as a child I would run and play in all the innocence and exuberance carefree bliss of youth, beautiful, golden daffodils wave their triangular petals gently in the gentle March breeze.
And it's also so hard to believe that I have just spent nine weeks as an inpatient for my eating disorder. Away from everything that was familiar to me, everything safe, everything that I ever really knew.
But the world I knew, that world that I loved, that I held dear...every single little bit of it, waas tainted by that Voice in my Head. The mealtimes with my family, which I always prepared such delicious, tasty meals for, bbut which I then was so, so afraid to take a single bite of. Cycling down to see my elderly neighbour at the bottom of my lane...but feeling compelled, after each visit, to go off on an hour-long loop before returning to my house, whatever the weather. My insistence on doing every single one of the household chores; not ever, ever allowing myself to have a lie-in in the mornings in the fear that I would burn off lesss calories if I did so; strategically busying myself in some sort of time-consuming job or activity when I knew it wasn't that long till the restr of the family gathered together to eat, and I would then be permitted to excuse myself on the basis that I was "otherwise engaged" and would eat later on when I'm finished...
but what I want to do this coming month, April 2015 - the month when I turn 21...is to reclaim the world and the things that I loved. And to make it pure and free again, untainted and untouched by that thing that was my eating disorder.
It's going to be tough I know, because, after all...this has been the way I have lived for about nine years. but I know that I can do it. That's its never too late to make that change. That it's never to late to realise my dreams and live the life I have always wanted, which I have loved and always will love.
It's that time of year, again... tender little shoots are beginning to push themselves through the soft, dew-covered ground, as green and as shiny as emeralds. In the cradling branches of the great deciduous trees, egg shells are delicately cracked open by the tiniest of beaks as scruffy, downy-feathered little chicks release themselves into the world. Fragile, moist little buds gently prise themselves open to reveal the beautiful, radiant petals underneath.
Everywhere you look, there is newness, promise, freshness, hope. Everything is beginning to change. A beautiful, positive change full of life and hope and light.
It's never too late to change.