At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Thursday, 5 March 2015

It does not matter....

I was in a state of denial as far as my ED was concerned for a total of about 8 years. In the first few years of secondary school, when my eating disorder was first beginning to develop, it never even crossed my mind that what I was doing was not normal. As time wore on and I matured, i suppose I became more acutely aware of what I was doing and why I was doing it. And I'm not going to lie: the word anorexia would sometimes fleet across my mind, but I always batted it away without thinking. No, I - or was it the Voice? - always told myself sternly. There's nothing wrong with me.

But anyway, back to the main point of this post...

It does not matter whether you are 10 kg underweight, or not underweight at all.

It does not matter, if you exercise for 2 hours a day, 1 hour, 30 minutes, or none. It doesn't matter if you have never brought back up what you have just eaten on purpose, or if you do so on a regular basis. It doesn't matter the clothes size, the laxatives you do or don't use, the foods you eat, the amounts, the assumptions made by others, that there isn't anything going on behind that happy, smiling face.

It doesn't matter what form your eating disorder takes. It doesn't matter which signs you show, which symptoms. It doesn't matter if the Voice tells you that you aren't really that sick at all, that your case isn't really that important, at all.

It doesn't matter how serious or mild your eating disorder serious or mild you think it is. The cold, hard truth is, that eating disorders can kill. They can ruin lives, tear families apart, destroy relationships. They can cause many serious and potentially life-threatening health problems. They have the capacity to cause endless heartbreak, pain, and suffering.

For example, take my case. I'm a prime example of the girl who closed her eyes to the real truth of what was happening to her...what was happening inside her head. And she remained that way for about 8 years. 8 years, and now, as I look back, I realise just how much I have missed out on, how much the Voice in my head controlled me. And in my present I have to face up to the consequences...the consequence of all those countless times when I would tell myself...tell myself that I was normal.That there was nothing wrong. Or that, maybe I should change a few things....but sure, I will do that tomorrow. Or next week, maybe. I will do it, though. Just not today.

I never ran for several miles a day, or spent hours in the gym on the treadmill or in the swimming pool. I never vomited or used laxatives. I was never so underweight that I found it difficult to lift my head from the pillow every morning, My hair didn't become thin, I didn't feel physically weak all the time, I didn't go through a day without eating or only permitting myself tiny, tiny amounts. I didn't just live on diet foods. I didn't survive on tea and apples every day, I didn't refuse to eat chocolate and biscuits and ice cream. I didn't stare in the mirror every day at my slender, bony frame and ruminate to myself on how fat I thought I looked.

But I did have an eating disorder; a restrictive eating disorder...and it was far, far more serious than I ever even comprehended. And I realise that, now, just how strong it really was, what it was doing to me.

It doesn't matter what that murderous Voice in your Head tries to tell you. That you aren't sick enough. There is no such thing as not being sick enough. If you think that you or someone you love has an eating disorder, please, please, please don't ignore the signs. Seek help as soon as possible.

Don't wait until it is too late.


  1. Yout honesty and openness are something I love about your blog. Everything you say is so, so true. It doesnt matter what form your eating disorder takes, it still can have very serious consequences. Ive never been severly underweight or used laxatives or purged but that doesnt mean things were ok, because they werent.
    This post is beautiful yet sad, but uts the truth<3

    1. <3 Oh hun thank you so much for leaving such a lovely comment <3 It means so much to me <3 yes, it breaks my heart to think of all the people out there who think that things are ok and that there is nothing wrong. it's easy to pull the wool over your eyes and those of others and pretend everything is fine as that what the eating disorder tells you. xxxx