At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Tuesday, 10 March 2015


This was yet another assumption made by me, not so long ago from now. Even though I wouldn't own up to actually having an ED, I knew that my behavior around food was a little odd, not exactly normal. But I was completely blind to the fact that I had an eating disorder; as well as to whatmy eating disorder was doing to me. You may not even realise it, but an eating disorder spreads its influence to almost all the parts and different pieces of your life, and the physical and psychological effects brought about by restriction and overexercise and alll other eating disorder-associated behaviours can potentially be extremely destructive...if not life-threatening, in serious cases.

I should know, after all...I've been there and I'm still here now in the recovery stage, and I now fully understand the cold, hard reality of what my eating disorder did to me...

Firstly, the osteoporosis. I have serious osteoporosis in my back, as a direct result of the pattern of restriction and overexercise which has repeated itself, over and over and over again, for so many, many years.
This means that my bones are essentially brittle and very fragile...if I had a fall or ever injured myself in some way, there is a good chance that they would be broken.
I get a persistant, dull ache in my lower spine whenever I sit down...yet another side effect of the osteoporosis and, of course, my eating disorder. I get the odd soreness in other parts of my body too. And then of course there was the foot injury I had last October...I was so, so lucky that the foot was not broken.

The fact that I have never had a period further augments the seriousness of my osteoporosis. Oestrogen is a hormone required for the production and maintenance of healthy bones. The absence of the menstrual cycle indicates that oestrogen is not being produced and this in turn can result in significant reduction in bone mass density.

My skin was dry and flaky, especially on my hands...I always would look at my palms and sore, red fingers and think to myself that I had the hands of an old woman.

Most of the time I was very tired and exhausted. I felt drained even after a good night's sleep and struggled to concentrate in lectures and tutorials. Even watching a good film or a series, my mind would drift off elsewhere and I would suddnly realise I hadn't got a clue what was going on and who was who.

I was always thinking about food, even though I food was the last thing on earth that I wanted.

I felt down, depressed, miserable and helpless very often, and got anxious or nervous about the most smallest of things.

My case isn't unique and specific to me.

It can happen to anyone, anyone with an eating may not realise it now, you may not see it. You might think that your eating disorder, that whispering little Voice in your head, is harmless.

But that is one of the biggest lies which you could ever let yourself believe.

I'll come back to you some day, Benny <3 xxxxxx

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