At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Thursday 5 February 2015

I can't wait... :) xxx

For anyone who is struggling, all my thoughts and prayers are with you. I know what it is like, because I have been there so many times before. But just know that you must never give up. Don't give in to that demon inside your head...for that is exactly what it wants. It, not YOU. It might seem to you that your eating disorder has stolen your identity, leaving nothing behind but a bare shadow of the person that once was. But there is always, always hope, always. Even on the most darkest of days, even in the most deepest and blackest of holes. You can find the light and the brightness once again. You can rediscover your true self, that wonderful, amazing, unique human being who is you without an eating disorder, and you can let that part of you which wants to be healthy, which wants to enjoy life and food, which wants you to laugh again and live your dreams and experience all the excitement and magic and wonder that the world has to offer you - you can let that part of you blossom and grow. :)

Today I thought I would write a little list of just SOME of the things that I can't wait to do when I am recovered. I think this is a great exercise to do if you are afraid, afraid to carry on, afraid to challenge yourself that little bit more, afraid that there is no point to it all. Don't ever believe that there is. You and everyone of us has so much to live for, so much to offer the world. There are countless different, extraordinary things about YOU which will never, ever be found in anyone else. So don't ever let that ED take away from you who you really are. :)


Soller in Mallorca... <3

So here is a list of just some of the things that I can't wait to do after recovery....
perhaps you can relate to them in some way too. :) <3 xxxxx

  • Live a happy and healthy life, free of all ED-type thoughts, fears, anxieties and impulses. To be rid of the Voice in my head forever and find and follow the life I have always dreamed of. :)
  • To walk Benny in the countryside with my family, and to e able to relish and enjoy every single moment of it....the breeze against my skin, the rustle of leaves beneath my feet, being able to breathe in all the scents of the forest, to sense and appreciate every single sound. To be able to look around me and take each and every drop of the magnificence and beauty of nature.
  • To go on exciting holidays to all the different parts of the world which I have always wanted to visit, and make memories which will remain with me forever. Florida, Italy, Greece, Cyprus, the Islands of the Pacific, different parts of Ireland and England, Wales, Scotland, the Scandinavian countries, the Savannah....the list goes on and on ;)
  • To go shopping and buy myself loads of gorg new clothes which will make me look pretty and feel good about myself :)
  • To go to the beach and spend the whole day just lying on the sand, making sandcastles, and trying to ride a bodyboard...and failing. ;)
  • To bake and cook to my heart's content ;) I really want to be adventurous and try out loadssss of yummy new recipes once I am recovered...both sweet and savoury. I really want to expand my baking repertoire ;) especially when it comes to baking recipes from countries the world over. And now I won't have any scruples whatsoever in eating them MYSELF!!! :D And what could be more cheekily satisfying than licking out the melting bowl or cleaning the whisks once your masterpiece is cooking away? ;) 
  • To go hiking in the beauty spots of Britain and Ireland, and immerse myself in the sublime majesty of these natural gems. The highlands of Snowdonia, the mountains of Wicklow, the lakelands of Scotland and the rolling hills of the Peak District...just some of the places which I am literally bursting to visit and discover for myself :)
  • Disneyland (s) <3
  • movie nights with lots of chocolate and sweeties!!! And maybe (or should that be, of course??? :p) even a marshmallow-scattered hot choc..? <3
  • nights out dancing and never ever getting tired...to be twirling and swirling around all night long :)
  • bike rides in the summer and getting a nice tan ;)
  • I would absolutely love to take up horse-riding sometime!!! ;)
  • ALTON TOWERS!!! ;)
  • Sitting underneath my favourite tree in the garden on a breezy summer's day, and losing myself in writing Morokia..nothing like sitting in nature to get the old creative cogs turning! ;)
  • Going out for meals out and enjoying myself...no more worrying about portion sizes, calories, having to exercise more tomorrow if I eat more than usual, etc. 
  • To find the real me. The real Emmy, not the girl with an eating disorder. I know there is much more to me than that. And I want you all to realise this, too. You are so, so much more that your eating disorder. So don't be afraid to let go of its hand... and open up your eyes in order to see the special, unique, and one-of-a-kind individual that is YOU.:)


Me, Benny and Daddy walking in my homeland, the majestic White Cliffs of Dover!!! 



10 comments:

  1. Soooo heartwarming my lovely Emmy :-* thaaaaanks so much again for such a wonderful post ;) I can relate to soooo many things you are writing here ;) and I am so glad that everyday in recovery you are coming closer to all of these goals ;) I am so sure you will be able to fulfill them ;) <3 and then we will do some travel together and check out other things on this cute little list ;) Happy World Nutella Day my Cutie :) xxx Hope you are doing sooo well

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    1. Awww Ange hun my special little Nutella-loving friend <3 <3 <3 aww hun that is most certainly on my to-do-list...to meet Ange hun for real awwww <3 and yes hun and we shall go to all those places we want to visit ;) Awww hun thank you so much!! I never knew that existed even hun!!! :o :D awesomeeeeeee <3 Happy Nutella Day to you too huni <3 lots and lots of loveeee hun <3 xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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    2. Hahaaa that is duch a cuuuuuute name:-* I looooove it :) Ooooh I would love to meet you too and we could realize some of the things on your special little list:) Your style of writing is so inspirational and touching, so I would wish I just stand up and travel around;) IMMEDIATELY!!!!
      Hahaaaa yes I heard about it not long ago but of course I thought about sharing it with you hunniiiiiiiii ;) Omg can't wait for us to be at a healthy weight*_____* lets fight Miss Mager and all bad thoughts!!!! Looooove back xxxxx Angeee

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    3. Aww I am glad you like it hun <3 heehee it describes you perfectly hun ;) aww hun thank you so so soooo much you are just too nice hun <3 and we will realise them hun, And I am so so sooo proud of you hun for being so strong and brave against that nasty, horrible Miss Mager !! never forget hun all she says is just crap!! <3 aww and thank you for that huni heehee I never knew there was such a thing!! But such a wonderful invention such as Nutella hun deserves an international world day I think wouldn't you agree hun ;) and I can't wait too hun, oh my goodness I am absolutely sooooo excited for the trip hun!! Woooooooo :D <3 lots and lots of love hun AGAIN ;) <3 xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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    4. It is just too cute and it is soooo typically for us to giggle in that way, right hunni?:-* Thaaank you so mich Emmy, this means the world to me and believe me I am sooooosoooosooo proud of you too !!! You are such a strong person and you deserve happiness so much and I am so suuuure you finally will be able to reach every of your goals and we will both kick Miss Mager in her fuckiiing ass!!!!:)
      Hahaaa oh yes I totally agree with you hunnii, Nutella is something sooo special and it really as I already mentioned it saved my life:) and does there actually exist a hot chocolate day too hin? Do you know anything about this? well, because if there isn't already one, we have to create one!!!!!!!! :) what do you think? ;) hihii*__*
      Oooh yes I am so excited tooo and I caaaan't wait for it;) Looots and lots of hugs and kisses back <3 xxxx

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    5. heehee it is sooooo typically us hun!! We are like the two little girlees at the back of the classroom, giggling and chuckling at everything and anything ;)
      Yesssss hun that is the spirit 2015 will be the year we kick her out forever hun!!! <3 heehee I actually don't know hun? Do you think there isn't? Heehee yes yes YES we absolutely must make one hun!!! And we will celebrate it on oth of our blogs!! That is such an awesome idea hun!!! <3

      Awwwwww <3 love you huni <3 I sent you a letter hun and I started writing your biggggg letter ;) heehee lots of love hun <3 xxxxx

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    6. Hihiiiiii oh yeeees this is so true hun :)i can imagiiiine this so well hunniiii :) would look so funny :D
      oh yeees in 2015!! no more excuses! :-*
      thaaamk you so much for all of your lovely support :)
      Hihiiiiii absolutely :)love that idea! when do we announce it?=)
      Aaaaaaw*___* can´t really wait for it hun <3 i as well am just writing yoou a quite (hihiii i am sorry :) looong email Emmy :)
      loooooking so much forward to that letter :-* xxxxxxx huuuugs

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    7. heehee the very thought makes me chuckle too hun ;) yes DEFINITELY hun <3 heehee I don't mind hun!!! Do you have any suggestions? ;) oooh yes hun I was soooo excited when I opened my email account this evening and saw YOUR lovely email hun!! ooh I can't waitttt to read it heeheehee <3 love you hun (sosososooooooo much x10000000000) xxxxxxxxxxx

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  2. Sooo gorgeous Emmy!! Soon you will do all these things I am sure of it!! :) and that is a beautiful picture of you to by the way :)
    Keep it up lots of love
    Livvy xoxox :)

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    1. <3 awww Livvy thank you, thank you thank you <3 you help me so much to stay strong, I really appreciate it hun so much ! Lots of love and hugs Livvy! <3 xxxxx

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