I was no better...No wiser, no less sick, no freer from my Eating Disorder. The first couple of months of second year passed relatively well. Relatively. At least I ate proper meals, frugal as they might be. But after Christmas, things took a turn for the worse again. I became isolated and depressed...and that of course compelled me to turn to restriction and overexercise once more.
But then, in May of that year, something happened...something clicked deep inside me. I finally realised the truth which I had been denying for so many, many years. You have an eating disorder Emmy. You need to do something about it, right now...you need to destroy that Voice in your head before it destroys you...
What did I do...? I made the very first step in what was to be journey towards recovery from my restrictive eating disorder. I told my Mam. I told her everything of what I had done, the thoughts and mindset that dominated my head, the feelings, the fear, the anxiety...everything. And she understood me, and she held me tightly in her arms as I cried and she told me that she still loved me, despite all the lies and the deceit and the failures. And she told me that we were going to beat this thing, together.
Don't ever, ever think that you have to suffer alone. <3
Looking back on it now brings happy, bittersweet tears to my eyes.It was the first summer since 2006 in which I didn't feel compelled to restrict and eat as little as possible. I gave my all into getting better...to enjoying food and life again.
I knew it had been a close call, and that, in some respects, I was lucky to be alive...
And I did gain weight, this summer. My face began full and bright once again, my stomach and waist expanded, the rib and hipbones which had once protruded from my body no longer were so painfully visible. I put weight on around my torso, waistline, stomach and waist. And I was, really and truly, so, so happy and proud. I thought that I had beaten my eating disorder. I thought my problems were over.
But what I didn't realise was...my eating disorder was still part of me, part of my identity. And I was still unconsciously being controlled by it, in numerous aspects of my life. I had made enormous progress. I had faced a massive proportion of my fears and had overcome many of my demons...but yet, some still remained. Instead of climbing to the very top of that mountain, where I could finally gaze upon that glorious view with a true, genuine smile upon my face...I stopped halfway along the slope, and mistakenly assumed this was as far as I could go. And it was beautiful, at that little spot halfway up the mountain..but there were still so many rocks and stones which I was almost oblivious to until they fell and knocked me down along with them. It was not until October, a few months later, that the real truth hit me, hard. It was one of the most difficult days of my life...that day at the doctor's in October 2014 when they told me I was still suffering from an eating disorder, and that my struggle for recovery was still far from over.
Five months later, here I am...but I know I will never stop fighting. :)
If you want to read more of this chapter of my journey to recovery, here are some more of my older posts:
- My Journey My thoughts as I looked back on my journey as a whole so far.
- Diagnosed with an Eating Disorder My thoughts and feelings the day I was signed off from Trinity, shortly after eing diagnosed with an eating disorder by my doctor.
- Don't Suffer Alone Choosing to reach out.
- 2014...the year when everything changed. Looking back on 2014.
- It was the end of my old world... My reflections on the period between January 2014 and May of that year, the point at which my eating disorder was at its worst.
- Life doesn't get easier. You just get stronger. What I think finally compelled me to acknowlge that I was suffering from an eating disorder.
- I’m not fat, but…I don’t need to gain weight, right? My thoughts on the distorted way of thinking I recall from when I was very sick.
- College, leaving home, and realisation. The impact leaving home and college life had on my eating disorder.