At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Sunday, 22 February 2015

Chaptrer 5 of My Eating Disorder and Me.

And so begun my second year at Trinity...but yet, I was, of course, no better.

I was no better...No wiser, no less sick, no freer from my Eating Disorder. The first couple of months of second year passed relatively well. Relatively. At least I ate proper meals, frugal as they might be. But after Christmas, things took a turn for the worse again. I became isolated and depressed...and that of course compelled me to turn to restriction and overexercise once more.

But then, in May of that year, something happened...something clicked deep inside me. I finally realised the truth which I had been denying for so many, many years. You have an eating disorder Emmy. You need to do something about it, right need to destroy that Voice in your head before it destroys you... 

What did I do...? I made the very first step in what was to be journey towards recovery from my restrictive eating disorder. I told my Mam. I told her everything of what I had done, the thoughts and mindset that dominated my head, the feelings, the fear, the anxiety...everything. And she understood me, and she held me tightly in her arms as I cried and she told me that she still loved me, despite all the lies and the deceit and the failures. And she told me that we were going to beat this thing, together.

Don't ever, ever think that you have to suffer alone. <3

Summer 2014.
Looking back on it now brings happy, bittersweet tears to my eyes.It was the first summer since 2006 in which I didn't feel compelled to restrict and eat as little as possible. I gave my all into getting enjoying food and life again.

I knew it had been a close call, and that, in some respects, I was lucky to be alive...

And I did gain weight, this summer. My face began full and bright once again, my stomach and waist expanded, the rib and hipbones which had once protruded from my body no longer were so painfully visible. I put weight on around my torso, waistline, stomach and waist. And I was, really and truly, so, so happy and proud. I thought that I had beaten my eating disorder. I thought my problems were over.

But what I didn't realise eating disorder was still part of me, part of my identity. And I was still unconsciously being controlled by it, in numerous aspects of my life. I had made enormous progress. I had faced a massive proportion of my fears and had overcome many of my demons...but yet, some still remained. Instead of climbing to the very top of that mountain, where I could finally gaze upon that glorious view with a true, genuine smile upon my face...I stopped halfway along the slope, and mistakenly assumed this was as far as I could go. And it was beautiful, at that little spot halfway up the mountain..but there were still so many rocks and stones which I was almost oblivious to until they fell and knocked me down along with them. It was not until October, a few months later, that the real truth hit me, hard. It was one of the most difficult days of my life...that day at the doctor's in October 2014 when they told me I was still suffering from an eating disorder, and that my struggle for recovery was still far from over.

Five months later, here I am...but I know I will never stop fighting. :)

So let's stay strong...together. <3 xxx

If you want to read more of this chapter of my journey to recovery, here are some more of my older posts:


  1. I hope you get a lot of people who reach out to you after this blog. There are so many of us out there. Growing up, things never came easy for me, and I was never "skinny." My weight was the focus my entire life. I am just now realizing there is way more to "me." Thank you.

    Jeffery @ New Dawn Treatment Centers

    1. Dear Jeffrey,
      Thank you so much for reaching out and for posting your comment, it really meant so much. What you say is so , so true. We put so much focus on our weight and what we look like and allow this focus to essentially govern and shape our lives. I am so glad you are beginning to fight that voice and move towards a different mindset. Please keep up the hard work and thank you so much again for writing.