At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Friday, 20 February 2015

You stole so much from me...

In a previous post I referred to the ED as a thief. A thief without remorse or mercy.  It robs, it steals, it strips you of everything you ever loved and held dear. It leaves you standing alone, helpless and alone, crying out forall the things you have lost.

It continuously takes never gives anything back. And for the ED, it will never, ever be enough. It whispers soothing promises in your ear... that if you do as it dictates, then it will be satisfied...but that's never the case. You reach that point which you thought initially you would be safe. But the ED still has its hand on your shoulder, pushing you on, forcing you, like a shackled slave, to bend to its will just that little bit more.

But there is one thing that can never, ever be taken away from you by your ED...

that being, of course, your recover. :)

I hate my ED for what it did to me...for everything it has stolen from me; and which, as I progress further with my recovery, I am determined to fight for, with every single beat of my heart, to win back. Of course, I know how difficult it is, when you are sick, to whisper the truth to yourself and look into the eyes of your murderer...and tell it that it is a liar, a manipulative, selfish, cruel liar who brutally smothers your happiness without pity; who is oblivious to your tears and cries for help.

My eating disorder first started its never-ending pattern of deprivation when I was only 13 years old. It started off by taking away the sense of happiness and self-confidence which had presided in my childhood years. As time wore on, it became more and more greedy, heartlessly taking away yet more and more and more. My enjoyment of the things which I used to have a passionate interest in. My hopes and dreams for the future. My ability to concentrate and study well. And, of course, my body...the healthy, strong body which I once had.

But what I want you to realise it is only YOU who can stand up now and tell your ED that it is over...that you and it are THROUGH. Once and for all. That is the choice I made all those months ago last May, and, even though my journey is not yet over, I know that my ED will never, ever be able to take this one crucial choice away from me.

Don't let your ED take away your right to live.


  1. Your choice to recover is something your ED cant take away from you, neither your strength. As long as you choose recovery everyday, then YOU are winning and choosing life!!! Stay strong and keep choosing recovery, dont let your ED control you or steal any more of your life or memories!!

    1. <3 thank you so so much dear Izzy <3 it does make me very sad to think of all the years and enjoyment taken away from me by my ED but I know it isnt too late to change for the better <3 thank you so so much for your support as always dear Izzy <3 and for the lovely email I will reply very soon <3 xxxxx