At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Wednesday, 11 February 2015

The road and the valley.

In continuation from my post yesterday, today (ahem!! ;) ) I plan on writing the second part of my own personal story later on today... one which tells of both sickness, intense and bitter sadness, hopelessness...but also hope, strength, courage, and determination. And I know that one day I will find happiness. In fact, the past two weekends, I already have. And those precious, priceless little moments of pure happiness remain with me now as I sit and write to you. I want you to all realise that, even if it seems impossibly difficult, painful, or just plain terrifying...choosing to fight, with every beat and pulsation of your heart, that Voice - that Voice inside your head that seeks to manipulate you, make you a slave to its heartless commands, and rob you of everything and everyone that you love or ever will love - is the bravest and most important decision you will ever make in your whole life.

Looking back on it now, I realise just how lucky I was...that I found my inner strength and willingness to fight, just in time. I know now that if I had chosen never to reach out, and to carry on along that slippery, thorn-strewn road of pain that led directly to my own self-destruction, I would not be sitting here writing to you now. I probably wouldn't even be here, today. Don't ever forget that that Voice is the Voice of a murderer. It robs, it thieves, it tears apart families and relationships and friendships as mercilessly and as ruthlessly as a a knife slicing through silk. And it kills. It could have killed me. I know how fortunate I am to be here, right now, and at a stage when I can look back on all that lies behind me, and see how far I have come.

Never forget it's okay to feel afraid. 

Being afraid does not in anyway mean that you are not strong.

And of course, the road to recovery is's foggy, steep, and rocky. But at the end of that road lies a beautiful valley. And with every step you take along that road, just know that you are becoming stronger. And soon you will see that fresh green valley, new and glowing and as bright as a star. That valley represents the life that's out there waiting for full of happiness, excitement and opportunity, uncontaminated and untouched by any trace of your eating disorder.

Never stop fighting for the life that you love. :)

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