At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Saturday, 7 February 2015

The girl who thought she was normal...

                      At my lowest weight - April 2014 before I started my battle against my eating disorder...
                                   Christmas 2014...I had gained weight and was awaiting the beginning of my hospital treatment. But despite all of that, and the fear and uncertainty of what lay ahead of me, I was so, so much happier, and healthier...and I had hope, hope for my future, and hope in the belief that this WAS a battle that I was going to win. For my loved ones, for everyone else who had ever suffered from an eating disorder, and for myself.

Because that's exactly, what I thought I was...a normal, average girl. In fact, at one time, I would go as far to say that I was convinced that I was as unextraordinary as a young girl of my age could ever get. Boring, even. There wasn't anything in the least interesting, unusual, or striking about me.

Never, right up until that summer last year when I realised that I was suffering with a restrictive eating disorder, did I in anyway suspect that there was anything wrong.

Today, I am going to share with you my story...the story of a girl with an eating disorder, which, as quiet and as deadly as an assassin in the night, crept up upon me in the tender early years of my adolescence. Heartlessly killing the last few traces of an innocent, blissful childhood, it clung onto its victim with cold, pitiless hands, forcing me to become a prisoner, a prisoner of a Voice, a monster, a demon...a demon that lived inside my very own head.

Years passed, and yet, despite every struggle I put up to escape the suffocating grip of my eating disorder, I was never able to fully break free. Until one May, as bluebells pushed their delicate little blue heads through their protective green buds and the fresh, gusty winds of spring were replaced with the gently caressing breezes of early summer.

And along with those warm breezes, along with those dainty little flowers that adorned the floors of the woodlands near my home in a hazy blue mist, in May 2014, something else came into my world. That something being, a newly formed, steely determination. To face my fears and to defeat them, and to destroy the Voice of my eating disorder once and forever.

And though I still have some way to go yet, that determination remains with me, if not stronger and more powerful than ever before.

Perhaps you were in the same place as I was...or maybe where I am now. It might seem like you have been struggling for years and years and years, an eternity. But I believe that if you put your heart and soul towards recovery, if you never, ever stop believing, and if you never, ever allow yourself to give up and are prepared to fight this thing with every single breath in your body...I believe that one day we will, together, triumph over our demons. :)

haha...once again, Ganache-Elf has gone completely off point and the blog post has become way too long!! Ok, next post I WILL get onto what I was originally going to write about, and no introductions...Promise!! ;)

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