On Monday, I received from my doctor the results of the bone scan that I had got done a couple of weeks after rmy admission into hospital. When I had gone for the scan at a clinic in the city, I barely even thought about the reason and purpose of such a scan, and what its results would actually determine. I just went straight in, laid on my back and side as the boxy apparatus went over my head taking pictures, and then came straight back out of the clinic again, feeling an odd sense of relief at the fact that yet another unpleasant procedure was over and done with - one less thing to worry about; after all; I could move to to the next obstacle. It was only the few days before the scheduled date for when I would get my results, I began to feel...anxious. could I..could there be something wrong? No, surely not. Me! It will never happen to me. I was never extremely underweight. I always ate something, never nothing. I was never...I don't and didn't have, anorexia. I'm safe.
I started writing this post today, with a clear intention in my mind. I don't think I am that great at giving advice...but I felt compelled to write this today, to reach out to you with my message. The message being this...please, please, please...don't ever hide from the real truth. If you have an eating disorder, seek help and seek help now. Don't ever fool yourself into thinking that it does not matter, you are not worth it, you don't need help or that your eating disorder isn't that bad or it doesn't exist.
Never forget...just how bad it might get, if you choose to remain silent and not face up to the real truth.
Never forget just what it might do to you, what it might take away from you.
Then and now...it's been with me for as long as I can remember. :'(
I've just been diagnosed with osteoporosis. Osteoporosis, at 20 years old.
This is the price I pay I suppose...for letting that voice stay with me, for just about 9 years.
And I did know...I did know, that all the restriction, the skipped lunches and breakfasts, the throwing away of food because I was too afraid to eat it, the overexercising, the constant self-monitoring and recording of every single little crumb that I would place on my mouth...I did know, deep down, that it was all so very, very, wrong. But I prioritised my ED, over the muffled voice of my conscience at the back of my brain. The concern in Mam's eyes and she hugged me goodbye before I headed off for another week at college and whispered in my ear to make sure I eat well and keep safe.
I did hide away from the truth, for so many, many years...it was only last year when I decided to make that change. But by then it was too late, for my bones, anyway. My bone scan has revealed that I have had osteoporosis for several years at this stage.
And though osteoporosis is treatable, my bones won't ever be the same, ever again.
So please, please, please...don't ever close your eyes to the real truth. The real, cold, hard truth. If you think you might have an eating disorder ( I might do my own post about how to identify whether or not you have an eating disorder), seek help. Don't do what I did. Don't wait until it is too late. For that is exactly what the Voice in your head wants you to do. It wants to hold onto you, cling onto you, until your very last breath.