At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Wednesday, 25 February 2015

Please donn't hide from the truth.

Now I know. Now, I know...just how serious, how bad it really was. Could my eating disorder possibly take anymore away from me?

On Monday, I received from my doctor the results of the bone scan that I had got done a couple of weeks after rmy admission into hospital. When I had gone for the scan at a clinic in the city, I barely even thought about the reason and purpose of such a scan, and what its results would actually determine. I just went straight in, laid on my back and side as the boxy apparatus went over my head taking pictures, and then came straight back out of the clinic again, feeling an odd sense of relief at the fact that yet another unpleasant procedure was over and done with - one less thing to worry about; after all; I could move to to the next obstacle. It was only the few days before the scheduled date for when I would get my results, I began to feel...anxious. could I..could there be something wrong? No, surely not. Me! It will never happen to me. I was never extremely underweight. I always ate something, never nothing. I was never...I don't and didn't have, anorexia. I'm safe. 

I started writing this post today, with a clear intention in my mind. I don't think I am that great at giving advice...but I felt compelled to write this today, to reach out to you with my message. The message being this...please, please, please...don't ever hide from the real truth. If you have an eating disorder, seek help and seek help now. Don't ever fool yourself into thinking that it does not matter, you are not worth it, you don't need help or that your eating disorder isn't that bad or it doesn't exist. 

Never forget...just how bad it might get, if you choose to remain silent and not face up to the real truth.

Never forget just what it might do to you, what it might take away from you.

Then and's been with me for as long as I can remember. :'(

I've just been diagnosed with osteoporosis. Osteoporosis, at 20 years old.

This is the price I pay I suppose...for letting that voice stay with me, for just about 9 years.

And I did know...I did know, that all the restriction, the skipped lunches and breakfasts, the throwing away of food because I was too afraid to eat it, the overexercising, the constant self-monitoring and recording of every single little crumb that I would place on my mouth...I did know, deep down, that it was all so very, very, wrong. But I prioritised my ED, over the muffled voice of my conscience at the back of my brain. The concern in Mam's eyes and she hugged me goodbye before I headed off for another week at college and whispered in my ear to make sure I eat well and keep safe.

I did hide away from the truth, for so many, many was only last year when I decided to make that change. But by then it was too late, for my bones, anyway. My bone scan has revealed that I have had osteoporosis for several years at this stage.

And though osteoporosis is treatable, my bones won't ever be the same, ever again.

So please, please, please...don't ever close your eyes to the real truth. The real, cold, hard truth. If you think you might have an eating disorder ( I might do my own post about how to identify whether or not you have an eating disorder), seek help. Don't do what I did. Don't wait until it is too late. For that is exactly what the Voice in your head wants you to do. It wants to hold onto you, cling onto you, until your very last breath.

Don't let your Eating Disorder win.


  1. Ohhh hunniii :-* reading such thoughtful and depressing words from you really makes me so saaaad :( I hate what this illness is taking from you and makes you suffer =( Huuun, but I still want you to never loose hope ) you are so strong and already managed so much in your way to real recovery and next to this you beat Miss Mager so fuckingly hard in her ass, that I am so proud of you :) And look, my arm gets better day by day too and so does this illness gets weaker ! =) everything can be done and I thank you so much for this post, because it again shows me how important it is to care for oneself and try to stay healthy :)keep on fighting my cutie :) xxx lots of looove

    1. <3 awww hun this little comment really touched my heart and cheered me up hun <3 <3 <3 and I am so so glad hun that your arm is in the mend GO ANGE HUN <3 you are such a good friend to me hun and your support is priceless to me right now huni :* aww I'm glad this post is helpful to you hun, I do want to remind everyone hun how important it is to act early and not let the eating disorder continue on for a long period of the consequences can be devastating hun and I think it is so crucial that evryone with an eating disorder remembers that <3 Love you loads huni, stay strong for me we can do this together huni :* xxxxx

  2. Ohhh there is nothing you have to thank me for ;) becaaaause you are my very special little own recovery hot chocolate motivation girliiiii ;) Hahaa yeeeees my arm is getting soo much better and so my ED hopefully does as well :) Wow, yes I am very thankful for you sharing this awareness,, because nobody should struggle in this for too long :( and you are so much on the right track hunnii =) I am so proud of you :) and keep on kicking this ass of that skinny Miss M :) I know you can! We can do it together :) Love us so much, too =) xxx <3

    1. Awww you are so cute hun <3 And I am SO glad to hear your arm is on the mend hun!! That is wonderful news! Oh yes, I felt compelled to share this part of my story hun, I really hope that it will help others to seek help before it is too late <3 aww we will do hun <3 Love you lots, hope my letter reaches you sooooon ;) xxxxxxx