At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Wednesday, 27 August 2014

will the fear always be with me?

My morning snack today consisted of a couple of Weetabix (or should I say, the Aldi equivalent of; Weet Bisks or something I believe. I would recommend them if you are a Weetabix-fan like me but are reluctant to pay the ridiculous prices they charge for the branded one!). But this morning I had my breakfast later than I normally do, and so consequently, when it came to snackrel time, I wasn’t at all hungry. And yep, that voice was there again. Not hungry? Well go without, then! Butr I managed not to listen - well, sort of. I may have had my “WeetaBisks” but I had skimmed milk on them rather than full fat. :( But even then I still couldn’t help but feel anxious and apprehensive; as if I felt that I shouldn’t really be having anything. And so I can’t say I enjoyed my snack as much as I normally do. :(
This is just one example of a little slip-up in my recovery stage…I don’t not have them and to say that my recovery is going one hundred percent smoothly, without any misgivings, doubts, anxieties or mistakes on my part at say that would be a lie and that’s NOT what my blog is about at all: I want to be completely honest with you. But when this does happen, it’s no surprise of course that I get sad and down. For I suppose, the inevitable question hangs over me like a great big black cloud blotting out the sun on a showery autumn day. Will the fear always be with me? Will I never be completely free from ED thoughts and habits? Will I ever be able to enjoy food wholly and completely, without ever having to worry whether I have had too much or too little?
I hope so; every fibre of my very being is longing for that. And I believe that one day I will be. Considering I have never actually spoken to a professional counsellor about my my former issues with food, I suppose I could say that I am doing quite well in that sense. The one thing I know for certain is, though I may have my ups and downs and yes, there are certain days when things don’t go entirely to plan and I let my old ED ways creep back up on me…I know that I am fighting; fighting hard. I know that I want to beat my ED and that I never want to go back to the way I used to be ever again. And it is a fight that I am determined to win; with the help of my loved ones, my baking, and, of course, My Cocoa-Stained Apron. 

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