What I would like to share with you now are some of the things that still bother me and worry me in relation to my ED; the thoughts that I thought by now I would be rid of entirely, but are still niggling away at me every day, and causing me…well, to feel a bit frustrated and unhappy I suppose.
- Am I eating too much sugar…
- Will I get enough exercise done today…
- If I eat more unhealthy foods on any particular day, I have to substitute for that…
- I can’t feel too full; I need to always make room before eating; there needs to be a sort of hungry feeling or’s I won’t enjoy it properly…
- It looks as if I have alot there on my plate…I won’t be able to eat that, I can’t…
And also…some of the other things that I worry about, too, that I feel as if are causing me to not gain as much weight as I would like to…
- Do I have enough cereal in my bowl at breakfast; and enough milk on it…
- Should I put on more peanut butter than two teaspoons on my toast/snacks…
- Do I have enough protein filling in my rolls/bread at lunchtime…
- Should I really be choosing to sometimes have a piece of fruit instead of a yoghurt after lunch…
- Am I still obsessive about portion size, about how much to have…do I still feel as if I can’t exceed a certain amount of food in a day…
- Do I prioritise sweet things over more healthier food…
- Am I exercising too much and simply burning off the extra calories I am eating…
- Do I still go for the smaller option for everything…is there still a degree of, I have to have the least.
- Do I still have certain habits of behaviour which are very ED like; as in cutting up food into tiny pieces, picking bits off food, eating too slowly…
- Am I still afraid to say I am hungry for fear that then people will expect me to eat more because of that…
Those are the main ones, off the top of my head. But on different days I get different kinds, it all depends on where I am, what I’m eating, who I am with.
Like today for example…I had for breakfast a bowl of muesli and malt wheats, and a banana. Two things wrong here. For one thing I think I could have had more milk on the cereal. I poured on the milk and regarded my bowl thinking…umm, it looks so nice. But I bet it would be ever nicer - and more protein rich - if I added more milk to it. But did I? No, I didn’t. No, you will be fine. The voice whispered. And I obeyed. :(
And secondly, I suppose I substituted my usual toast for a banana…the thing is I really wanted to have a banana. I adore fruit and these great big bananas in the fruit bowl - yellow with a tinge of green, just the way I like them - looked really nice. But why couldn’t I have had all three! Because the voice in my head tells me that would be too much; I can only have two things at breakfast time, not three. Oh, if only I could learn not to listen to it…if only, if only these thoughts and ways would just leave me, leave me forever and never come back.
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