At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Wednesday, 27 August 2014

What's still holding me back?

So as you know, I would say that I am still in the recovery stage of my eating disorder…I know it might take a while, before I am actually at a healthy weight, and completely free of all ED type thoughts/symptoms. Looking at my body now I can see for myself the change that has happened since May. My stomach and face are fuller, my hip and rib bones are no longer sticking out like they used to; my wrists don’t appear as if they could be just snapped in two anymore. But my skinny arms still frustrate me, as does my neckline, and below my neck - it seems like nothing has really gone to here, at all, to be honest. And I’m still so, well, puny. But I know that I probably won’t ever grow any taller and that’s my own fault…it’s too late now for that. :(
But in my heart I know…I know what I am doing wrong! And every day I think about it and say “Emily, you shouldn’t do that.” but yet, I still do. What can I do about this? Well, I thought I’d just share these things with you now, and then perhaps this will motivate me into really, really doing something about them. I have come far! And I am so proud of myself for that; but I still feel as if I could do even more. I listen to my body now - if it is hungry I respond and eat, not simply choosing to ignore it like I used to. I can’t go through the day without having a good breakfast…I don’t like the thought of having that empty, hollow feeling in my belly anymore. I don’t ever skip meals: I always have something, even if that something may be quite small; I snack regularly, I try hard to stick with my meal plan. But there are still certain things…certain things that I know, are not right; and are perhaps preventing me from being a healthy weight…whatever that is. Let me share these with you now.
  • As you all know, I adore sweet things. That’s what makes the Ganache-Elf the Ganache-Elf I suppose: her love for all things sweet, chocolatey, baked…etc. But I’ve noticed that, with me, there is a habit of “leaving room” for sweet things and thus not having enough of proper food in order to do so. Now I know what you might be thinking…that’s ok, alot of people do that. I am sure that many of us would choose not to have another serving of potatoes at dinner, say, on the basis that they would like to leave a little room for the dessert afterwards. But with me…it’s a little different. I mean, I really do make room! By sometimes only having a very, very small amount of the proper food in order to do so. For example: yesterday for lunch I had a thick crust of wholemeal bread, a couple of cherry tomatoes, an apple…and I intended to have some cheese with it, too. I cut a few slices of cheese off the block and laid them aside: I felt like just having the toast unadorned as it was, just with lots of spread melting into it, and then have the cheese afterwards with the tomatoes. And so I wolfed down the toast, crunched on the apple, and then popped the tiny tomatoes into my mouth, relishing their juicy sweetness. But then…I was full. And an uneasy feeling crept over me. What if I was still full when it came to hot chocolate time? If I was still full then, I wouldn’t be able to manage having both my usual hot choc and biscuit…should I really be eating that cheese? And I’m afraid to say…that I didn’t. I wrapped the few slices I had cut and placed them back in the fridge. :(
  • Also…I don’t think I have enough of the protein type foods at lunchtime. Lunch for me is, as you probably already know, usually a roll or some sort of bread, and then a protein-type filling, and a wee bit of salad…but of the protein filling I have so very, very little. :( Like the other day I made an egg mix, using one whole egg, a nice dollop of mayo and salt and pepper…as I made it I thought, ummm.. this looks nice. But then what did I do? I only ate about a half or a third of it, and put the rest in a bowl to use tomorrow, or for someone else… :(
  • There are still some very silly, silly, SILLY irritating little habits I have which I know are not normal and are exactly the sort of thing I would do when I had the ED. Like picking bits off food - that is a big one. And every day I tell myself that I WON’T do it and then what do I do? I still go on and do it. Off rolls at lunchtime, off potatoes at dinner, off crusts of toast, bread, etc, etc. Why an’t I just buck up and stop doing themfor good? Why am I so stupid? :(
  • At breakfast…I am still pretty minimalist sometimes when it comes to the important protein sources that I know my body is in such need of. Yes, I do always have peanut butter on my toast…but only a small bit; about 2 teaspoons. I do have milk on my cereal…but again, is it enough? You see I do like to have a good bit of milk when it comes to cereal…I love coming to the end of the bowl and spooning up all the lovely remaining milk which may be full of the yummy bits of rushed cereal and is deliciously sweet, having taken on the sweetness of the cereal, too. But sometimes I deny myself that and only put on a very small amount. 
These are the main ones, anyway: the silly little things that I DO still need to work on and do something about. There, I’ve exposed them now! And I know that I am the only person who can solve this problem and actively do something about it! And I CAN, I know I can. I won’t let my ED control me…I can beat it and I want to prove it to myself, and to anyone else out there who has read my story and is struggling to overcome their own demons. I know that all of my loved ones are behind me: their support and love is indispensable to me now. But, as my friend told me today, only you can really make that one crucial change that noone else can do for you. Just breathe, believe, relax and let go. 

No comments:

Post a Comment