At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Wednesday, 20 August 2014

And this is why I need to do this...

I mentioned, in my plan of action post, a list of reasons that I had compiled in order to convince myself that putting on weight was, at this point in my life, one of the most important and crucial things I could ever even try to do. So I’m going to share this list with you now. Perhaps if you were like me and are struggling to find the motivation to seek help and fight your ED, this might be of help to you. I know my reasons are sort of personal and unique to me, but please take a look, anyway. You might find something that strikes a chord inside you.
Why I need to put on weight…
  • First and foremost…I want to do it for my loved ones. For my family and friends. To make up for all the shit I have put them through. If I can’t do it for myself, I can do it for them…I know they are worried about me and to see me at a more healthier weight, enjoying food and life again, would make them ever so happy.
  • I will feel so much more better, mentally and physically. When I sick, I remember all too well how down and tired I felt; I was exhausted all the time. My body was basically being sapped of all energy, and, since I was still walking and cooking and doing all my other little daily chores, I was left, ninety percent of the time anyway, feeling drained and lifeless. Who wants to live life like that? To wake up every day, and struggle to throw off the covers and actually place your foot on the floorboards, because your body is just so weak it doesn’t want to move anymore. To decline your friend’s invitation to a late night party, because you know very well you won’t have the energy to stay up for that long. To not be able to study for that exam you want to do really well in, or even concentrate in lectures. This was basically me when I had the ED. Now that I’m eating well again, I can do what I want in my life…
  • I will look so much better too. This is tough, so tough, for so many people to realise. But it is true and I know it with a certainty now. Skinny is not pretty. As I mentioned before, I never really thought myself pretty or anything, just because I was thin. Rather, I thought the skinniness was a more preferable alternative to being fat. I was adament I was ugly, but I thought my ugliness would be augmented even further if I became fat. No, I am not saying being obese is attractive, of course. What I am trying to say, though, is that there is not beauty in thinness. And that’s what so many sufferers, I believe, struggle to come to terms with when they are trying to make that decision to fight their ED…          But to get better you have to realise it. I wish I could somehow wave a magic wand and make everyone out there see that, as I did. How did I realise it, anyway? Well, it’s hard to remember exactly, but I think, at one stage, it did involve one good, long, hard look at myself in the mirror of my room…                                  i didn’t find looking at my body shocking, exactly, because I suppose I am just used to it…being able to count each of my ribs,seeing how my collarbone protruded so noticeably, framed by my bony, bony shoulders. To run a hand along my back and feel the hard bumps of my vertebrae. I had one hard, good look at myself, and I knew that my body was literally crying out for nourishment. I was literally a bag of bones, and to look upon me was, really, to look upon a skeleton, with only a delicate layer of skin for its protection… and to think that I was making myself just that little less unattractive by being skinny was non-sensical.
  • I will be alot more mature, and learn to look after myself. This might not apply to everyone, but for me, I felt, when I was sick, as if I was nothing more than a little girl lost in one hell of a big, scary world. And being both thin and short in height, people often mistook me to be much younger than I really was. More than once, I’ve been laughed about and stared at because people can’t understand what a “girl that age” is doing in a lecture hall, a club, buying drinks for her friends, catching a plane by herself, etc. 
     It hurt me alot, but at the time, I decided I would rather put up with that rather than put on weight…a small price to pay, I told myself, for maintaining my slender frame. More non-sensical thinking on my part…                                                                   But by gaining weight, I hope to become like…the real me. The real Ganache-Elf. I have a image of sorts, of who I might become like…no longer a small, frail-looking girl with stick-like limbs who looks like she should still be in her first year of secondary school. Rather, a more curvaceous, mature-looking Ganache-Elf who epitomises her love for all things sweet…                                        I know I will probably always be a midget: and I have myself to blame for that. Years and years of starving myself on purpose has more than likely stunted my growth. But there is still, an opportunity for me to help my body and nurse myself back to health, and to transform myself from bony fragility to a more healthy and curvy young woman.
These were the main reasons, for me. There are more, but I just wanted to put forward these to you first. I truly hope that anyone out there who is standing at that very same crossroads that I found myself at that day in May…trying to decide whether or not you really, really do, heart and soul, want to gain weight, and whether you are going to pit your whole being against your ED and drive it out of you…I truly hope that this post helps you in making the decision to recover. It’s scary, it’s unfamilar, it’s going to be no easy road…but please believe me when I say to you, you are not alone. And you have made the right decision.

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