At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...
I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)
Wednesday, 22 April 2015
It's like you are addressing an old friend, in a way. It's a friend which has been with you a long, long time. This friend did make you happy. It gave you focus and direction, something to strive for, a sense of achievement. You and this friend were always together. Everywhere you went, this friend went with you, without fail. It was there for you when things got tough, and it acted as your guide, in a way, helping you to navigate your way through those difficult days. But yet it still remained for you when the load was lifted off your shoulders once more, loyally sticking by you and assuring you that it will never give up on you, that it will never let you down, that it will be there for you, always, forever...
But ultimately, this friend has betrayed you. It has trapped you in its intricately woven web of lies, has left you broken and bound and helpless. this friend, who conned you into thinking that you were the one who was in control. Whereas, in fact, the reality is the complete and utter opposite.
For nearly every single thing you do, nearly every single thing you say, nearly every single fleeting thought that passes through your head...so, so much of each and every one of these things is inextricably connected to your eating disorder, whether you may be conscious of it, or not.
You used to make me sit up late every night, as long as I could possibly manage to keep my eyes open for...then you made me get up earlier than everyone else. I never allowed myself to lie in, because you gently persuaded me that it would be lazy of me to do so, and, if I got up earlier, I would have more "freetime" on my hands...except, no, it wasn't free time...it was anything but free. I was your captive, and I was trapped in your cruel, remorseless, pitiless grip.
No...you never allowed me to lie in or rest. I was drained and exhuasted, but yet still you dragged me onwards, deeper and deeper. You did not allow me to sleep for more than 6 hours on the dot each night. The Voice in my head told me that this was good for me. That if I stayed in bed for that extra half hour, that would mean less calories used up. less time to exercise and burn off the paltry bits of food I would allow my self to consume that day.
I walked around each day at college with eyelids heavy with sleep and unshed tears,and an even heavier heart. For I knew that it was going to be another long,long day, a day in which I would be too tired to focus in lectures, or get any sort of work or study done. I felt useless, stupid, pathetic...but then the Voice's soft tones were in my head once more, reassuring me, soothing me. Yes, Emmy, you may be all those things...ut you always have me, and I will always be here. I will protect you from weight gain...you will always be the skinny one. And as long as you have that, as long as you have me, it will all be ok...I won't let you down, Emmy.
Lies, lies, and more lies...:'(
When it all began...so much hidden behind a smile and a happy little wave.
That's just one of the many, many ways in which that Voice in my head sought to control me. Sadly, each and every time it succeeded. i never even tried to fight back, because I believed that it was speaking nothing but the truth.
But now, I know, and you know, that now is the time to stand our ground against that Voice. The friend which has betrayed you, and will never stop betraying you. It will take and take and continue to take until there is nothing left to take.