At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Saturday, 25 April 2015

It takes, it takes, and then it takes will never be enough for the ED...

My ED took away...

My happiness and my freedom.

The smiles that were true, not fake. A face that was full of life, rather than a mask behind which I hid so many feelings and thoughts and emotions.

My sense of self-worth, of self-esteem. Every scrap of my confidence was gone, smoldered into ashes, the day my ED came into my life.

My concentration, my self-belief. I believed I had imbecile. Who couldn't do anything, except whatever it was which this Voice in my head dictated. My willingness to succeed, my passion for the things that I loved. All of these it took away...because it made me believe that I was useless, useless at everything, and that there was no point in me even trying.

It took away so much laughter. year and years i could have spent laughing, and finding myself, and living the life I loved. but instead, those eight years were mainly spent in isolation and fear, loneliness and deprivation...

And I was too weak to fight back.

And no one understood me, and I didn't even understand myself. The only person...the only thing that I could turn to, when my tears turned into rain and it felt like the whole wide world had turned its back on me...was my eating disorder, the friend who was that close to me, I could hear its Voice in my ear with every thought that passed through my head; whose soft whispers could be heard from the moment I stood up in the morning till when I closed my eyes to go to sleep at night. I need you, Emmy...and even more importantly, you need me...

But all EDs are the same in that they are pretty ruthless in this game they play, of conning and lying and taking. I didn't even realise how much was being taken away from me...until the moment came when it was much too late to retrieve some of what I had lost. And now, I'll never be able to ride a beautiful white horse like Cecily and Narcissus did in Morokia. I'll never be able to ski the Swiss Alps, or go ice skating with my friends. I'll never be able to participate in a marathon, or taker up Irish Dancing again like I always wanted do. The reason for that being, that I have serious osteoporosis, and the risk of my fracturing a bone when doing any of those activities is too high.

And all because, of this little Voice in my head, who I believed, for all those years, was my friend. But this friend betrayed me, and stole from me, and, in fact, very nearly killed me. It took away so, so much from me...some of which I know now, I won't ever, ever get back.

Me and Mam and Dad, all those years ago, before everything changed...before the Voice entered my head and began to take everything away from me...

So please, if there is one message you can take away from this post today, it is this: It will never, never be enough for the ED. You say to yourself, I am going to try to lose weight until I can fit into a size 6 dress, and then I will stop, of course. I don't want to be skinnier than that. And so you restrict, and over exercise, and throw up, or do any of the other things that you might do, in order to achieve that low target weight.And then, yes, you've done can easily slip into that tiny size six dress in H&M, and alot of your clothes in your wardrobe don't seem to fit you anymore. But then...but then what? Is the ED satisfied? No, of course not. You continue to restrict, you continue to try to lose weight, because the sense of achievement you have got from reaching that small size is just so irresistible, you decide you might as well keep going and see if you can drop to a size 4, and the ED Voice applauds you at every meal that you skip, every run that you force yourself to do in the pouring rain, every cookie which you refuse at the get together with your friends. And it's the same kind of scenario, with restriction and overexercise and any other ED behaviour you might engage in. You tell yourself, I won't eat breakfast today, and then that'll be it; I'll eat well for the rest of the day. But then...what happens? You've told your family you ate breakfast; not one morsel of food has passed your lips; it's now eleven in the morning and your stomach is empty and hollow and all you can think about is food, food, food. But is the ED Voice satisfied? Is breakfast the only thing which you "Miss out on" during the day, despite your initial good attentions? Is this enough for the ED???

Just remember...
The ED Voie takes, and takes, and then it takes again. And it will continue to take away from you, until there is nothing left for it to take.

Never forget that it will never, ever be enough for your ED. <3 xxx


  1. I love this post Emmy! I can really relate to what you say about your ED almost being like a friend when you are really sick. Something I remember writing in my diary in hospital is; 'It is so hard not to listen to something promising to make you happy and beautiful, especially when you feel as awful and disgusting as I do.' Unfortunately Anorexia usually attacks people when they are vulunerable and most likely to believe the lies that it tells you. Luckily we worked out the truth about how Anorexia was manipulating us before it gots its way and killed us. <3 xxx

    1. Thank you so much for your comment hun <3 And yes hun, I do believe that this is one of the hardest things abbout recovery..the ED voice convinces you to think you looked better when you were at your lowest weight, when you were very sick etc. and this is so, so sad. It is so hard to not listen to that ED voice, I am sure we can all relate to that. But that Voice CAN be challengd and silenced if we take courage and believe that it is possible. xxx

  2. Wow again :) such a thoughtful post again my dear =) really made me think about soooooso much... all the things you tell about those bad habits and behaviors an ED forces us to are so completely true, which really makes me saaaaad :( especially the part in which you write about your osteoporosis :( I feel so much hate for Miss MAger hunnnnnnnnnnnn :) I love u so so much and I am so proud of you making such big steps towards happiness and health :) xxx

    1. Awww huni <3 :* thank you so so much for your support as always hun <3 I feel the exact same as you hun, I hate Miss Mager with every fibre of my being, it makes me so sad and upset hun to think of all the pain and suffering she has caused to so many innocent people :'( It is motivation for us both to get better huni so are strong enough to reach out and help others who went through what we did <3 Love you loads and loads huni :* xxxxx