At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Wednesday, 8 April 2015

Can I Recover Alone?

Recovering alone...something which I personally have an awful lot to say about, for, after all, it's something which I put all of my heart and soul towards trying to achieve. But I'm not going to lie to you and enthusiastically pretend that recovering on your own - that is, without seeking professional help or going into some sort of treatment programme - is easy, as this is as far from the truth as it could possibly get. Recovering alone IS very tough. Is it impossible? No, of course not (in keeping with my theme from the other day, it would be most inappropriate to state such a pessimistic affirmation on here!! ;) ) - and I know some amazing people out there who HAVE recovered by themselves without seeing anyone. No, the message I am trying to put across to you here is that recovering alone is an enormous task in itself, and is just as hard, just as challenging as having to go into hospital as an inpatient to receive treatment for an eating disorder. Some might not believe me when I say such things, but trust me, I know. having spent a total of roughly six or seven months trying to recover on my own from an eating disorder that has held me captive for nearly nine years, I can confirm that. But that's not to say it's impossible. It all depends on the individual. For me, personally, my eating disorder was very strong and well engrained deep inside me. And so consequently I guess this is why I was forced to seek professional help - and by god, I am so, so glad that I did. if I hadn't, I can honestly say I dont know what really would have happened to me...

Anyway, that's for another post I think...!!! What I wanted to do today and in my next few posts was to give anyone out there who has chosen to recover by themselves - I wanted to give you some advice from the heart. And no I am NOT going to start off by saying You should just go and see a doctor and get professional help as I understand completely the apprehensions and fears you might have surrounding such an action, as I was in the exact same position as you, at one time.

I too was very, very reluctant to seek treatment for my eating disorder because I was scared of the limitations that would then be placed on me, on my freedom, on the lifestyle that I loved. I suppose, reflecting on it now, I was also of the mindset that I wasn't sick enough to go and seek treatment, that I didn't need to...that my problem wasn't that serious. That there were loads of people much worse off than me.

Now, I clearly see the problematical nature of thinking in such a way. First and foremost, whether you like hearing it or not, having an eating disorder IS a big deal and is most certainly NOT something you should be light-heartedly dismissing.

I think your decision as to whether or not you should choose to seek professional help should also be influenced on the severity of your eating disorder and your actual physical state. for example, if you are very, very underweight, I would strongly recommend you go to your doctor right away...for it's worth remembering that being at such a low bmi has many extremely dangerous and, potentially, fatal effects on the body which might require urgent medical attention which you simply can't sort out by yourself.

That said, I also wanted to make this very clear...even if you aren't that underweight, or not underweight at all...that does not matter. And if you feel that it is the right thing to do, for you, please, please, please, seek help right away. Don't wait a minute longer, for the ED to take away another minute, another hour, another day of your life, another year. Because trust me, even if you don't consider your own eating disorder to be "That bad" (as I did) is highly likely you are underestimating the seriousness of your condition.Anyone with an eating disorder has a RIGHT to receive the help and support they need, no matter what symptoms they have, no matter what bmi or weight they are at, no matter how long or how little time they have been sick for.


  1. Everything you said is so true. As someone who has recovered practically on their own I wished I had AT LEAST gone to a doctor a few times and a therapist. But since now that i am recovered and don't have any ED symptoms i dont need treatment. But if anyone is unsure if they should go to a doctor to get some help the answer is YES you should. You will not be sorry and it is the right choice.
    Lots of love xox

    1. <3 you are so, so strong hun and I really, really admire you for everything you have achieved <3 you are a true inspiration! I guess when it comes to recovery hun as we both know, it is a process that will be different for everyone. Not one person's recovery path is the same. Lots of love and HUGS hun <3 xXxXxX