At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...
I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)
Friday, 3 April 2015
Nothing is impossible when you believe.
I believed that I was worthless and that noone would care if I lived or died.
I believed that attempting to recover from my eating disorder was useless.
I believed that I wasn't strong enough to carry on.
Perhaps it's best to return to that allegory of mine that I made some time ago, the allegory which compares the journey to recovery to the ascent of a steep, overwhelmingly tall, and undeniably hostile mountain...for to me and for many others, recovery is like that. And at first it might seem so hard, so long, so difficult, so tough...that you may think of it as a journey which is, overall, endless, futile, impossible.
But nothing is impossible when you believe.
And I can say, sitting here right now writing to you. That yes, I dared to believe that I did have the strength, the courage, the determination to touch with my fingers what I thought was unreachable. I dared to believe that I could recover, and that hope remains with me here now. For I've just overcome yet another difficult bump along that steep, rocky road, the road that winds its way up that enormous mountain of which I used to stand at the very bottom of.
Last Monday I was discharged from hospital to commence my treatment as a day patient. It's another step along this long, hard road, the road to recovery from an eating disorder. It brings with it its own sets of challenges, anxieties, apprehensions. It's a real test...the test of me, the real Emmy, against the cruel, twisted, manipulative Voice of my ED...
I've learnt a few things, as I;ve said before, since the day I first embarked upon this journey. And I want to share all those lessons that I have learnt with you, as I believe the importance of my messages this time cannot be underestimated. But today, I just wanted to tell you this. That to recover, you must believe. believe in yourself, believe in those who love and care for you, believe that one day you wil reach the very top of that mountain.
And though I know, deep down, I still have a lot more climbing to do before I reach that beautiful peak...I know that I have become wiser, and that the way I was living before I reached this place...that was not really a way of living, at all. It was quite the opposite...it was a way of dying. I could have killed myself...I was killing myself, slowly but surely. But now I have hope and wisdom and courage, and I am beginning to discover for myself who I truly am. Emmy, not Emmy with an E.D. And this is the same for you, too, and I hope with all my heart that YOU will begin to believe in yourself, too. That you will conquer your demons and your fears. That you will realise your dreams. That you can, and will, find happiness.
True happiness is possible.
Let yourself believe. <3 xxx