At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Friday, 3 April 2015

Nothing is impossible when you believe.

I used to believe that I would be sick forever.

I believed that I was worthless and that noone would care if I lived or died.

I believed that attempting to recover from my eating disorder was useless.

I believed that I wasn't strong enough to carry on.

Perhaps it's best to return to that allegory of mine that I made some time ago, the allegory which compares the journey to recovery to the ascent of a steep, overwhelmingly tall, and undeniably hostile mountain...for to me and for many others, recovery is like that. And at first it might seem so hard, so long, so difficult, so tough...that you may think of it as a journey which is, overall, endless, futile, impossible.

But nothing is impossible when you believe.

And I can say, sitting here right now writing to you. That yes, I dared to believe that I did have the strength, the courage, the determination to touch with my fingers what I thought was unreachable. I dared to believe that I could recover, and that hope remains with me here now. For I've just overcome yet another difficult bump along that steep, rocky road, the road that winds its way up that enormous mountain of which I used to stand at the very bottom of.

Last Monday I was discharged from hospital to commence my treatment as a day patient. It's another step along this long, hard road, the road to recovery from an eating disorder. It brings with it its own sets of challenges, anxieties, apprehensions. It's a real test...the test of me, the real Emmy, against the cruel, twisted, manipulative Voice of my ED...

I've learnt a few things, as I;ve said before, since the day I first embarked upon this journey. And I want to share all those lessons that I have learnt with you, as I believe the importance of my messages this time cannot be underestimated. But today, I just wanted to tell you this. That to recover, you must believe. believe in yourself, believe in those who love and care for you, believe that one day you wil reach the very top of that mountain.

And though I know, deep down, I still have a lot more climbing to do before I reach that beautiful peak...I know that I have become wiser, and that the way I was living before I reached this place...that was not really a way of living, at all. It was quite the was a way of dying. I could have killed myself...I was killing myself, slowly but surely. But now I have hope and wisdom and courage, and I am beginning to discover for myself who I truly am. Emmy, not Emmy with an E.D. And this is the same for you, too, and I hope with all my heart that YOU will begin to believe in yourself, too. That you will conquer your demons and your fears. That you will realise your dreams. That you can, and will, find happiness.

True happiness is possible.
Let yourself believe. <3 xxx


  1. Hi emily. This is an amazing post and I completely agree with you. When I was at my worst I didn't think I would ever be able to eat half the things I can enjoy today. I had given up on myself and didn't think there was any hope for me but how far I have come proves year there is always hope if you believe.

    I have been reading your blog for a while now and really enjoy It. I have just started blogging myself and was wondering if you wanted to have a look? hope to hear from you soon. :)
    Karly :

    1. Hi Karly!! <3
      Thank you so much!! I think I am in the very same situation as you Karly as looking back now on how far I have come since this time last year stands testimony to the fact that I have overcome so, so much more than I ever thought possible. hand in hand with that I suppose is the realisation that you have to want recovery yourself...I know now that this is a must, or you aren't really getting anywhere. I'm still working on this, buit I know it might take some time!

      Thank you so much for this lovely comment <3 I will DEFINITELY be sure to check out your blog. Have a lovely day karly! <3 xXxXxX

  2. Congratulations Emily!!! If anyone deserves a life filled with happiness, freedom and blessings it is YOU!! You continue to inspire me every day, both with your courage and strength in facing this monster but also in your inherent ability to recognize your own ED thoughts and your honest analysis of your past.

    A dear friend of mine also likened fighting an ED to climbing a mountain. She stressed that it's not just an uphill climb. That sometimes you slip on the rocks and fall backwards a bit and that's ok, so long as you keep, slowly but surely, moving upwards.

    I'm glad I'm not the only one who sometimes feels like full recovery is beyond my reach. Although my head tells me that I know people who have recovered and that so many people do, sometimes it's so hard to picture never having ED thoughts again in future. But the knowledge that I am not alone in feeling this way is such a comfort.

    And the knowledge that it is up to US, to take control and not let the ED win continues to motivate me, especially when I have such an amazing role model, in you, to look up to ;)

    Keep fighting and inspiring girlie. This may be a "steep rocky road" but you are not travelling it alone. We are all behind you 100%

    -N <3 xx

    1. Oh Thank you so much <3 I am really, really touched by your words <3 I think it is a very apt definition, comparing the recovery process to climing a mountain!! I truly believe full recovery IS possible hun even though it might appear like it is completely unattainable when things get tough. But another dear friend of mine (we have some very wise friends I think! ;) ) told me that the greatest strength comes in the times when we think we cannot go on, but we keep on trying, anyway, And this is so true when it comes to ED recovery.

      Don't forget I am always here for you - I am only an email away you can email me whenever dear <3

      Lots of love to you hun <3 xxx

  3. Aaaaaaaaaaaaw *_* my hunniii got discharged? :) *cheeeeeeeeres up* I am so proud of you my gal :) Wow, I feel so happy for you ;) this is amazing =) This post is so beautiful written and I think you already have reached such a big step in your fight against Miss Mager now, this is so suuuuper ;) I know you can reach and achieve every goal you set yourself hun ;) you are such a strong warrior! ;) Enjoy your time at home again now and believe in yourself ;) together we can make it ;) Oh and Karly I also wish you all the luck in the world, your blog is soooo beautiful and helpful as well ;) keep this up ;)
    Sending you all lots and lots and lots of love from sunny Germany ;)
    xxx Ange

    1. <3 awww <3 thanks so much huni, my so so SO special little Nutella loving friend <3 And YOU hun have played such an enormous rold in my recovery too because you continue to inspire me every day, you are so amazing hun <3 Lots of love hun <3 Look out for my mail sooooon ;) <3 xxxxxxx

    2. Hihiiiiii <3 Nuuuuuutella for life :)thats so meeee ;) OMG hearing such words from you, who reached so so unbelievably much brings tears of happiness too my eyes :) this is overwhelming =) OOOOOh I am so much looking forward to your liiiittle mail hunniii <3 can´t wait for it anymore ;)

    3. <3 Awww it is so true huni <3 heehee I will hopefully have it finished this weekend my dear <3 my emails are never short ;) love you lots and lots and LOTS huni :* xxxxxxxx