At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...
I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)
Friday, 28 November 2014
The demon in my head.
You can't eat all that. That's almost twice the amount you used to eat. That's so much compared to what normal people eat.
You are going to be so fat.
Anyone would think you're pregnant...the size of your belly!!
Go for the smaller option...have that tiny piece of bread. Eat the apple instead of the yoghurt. Pick the crusty piece off the top of your pasta...you don't like the hard bits.
You don't like soup - the only thing you like for lunch is your roll with the filling. No you don't like grated parmesan...you never did, why should you now? No, you don't want any more peanut butter, put the lid back on the jar NOW.
Just a few of the many, many different "orders" of the demon inside my own head...that being the ED of course.
Many people describe it as a voice...and for me, its the exact same; maybe even more. It's like a horrible little fiend inside me...transforming me from the inside which then in turn affects the exterior...messing with my head and making me think abnormal is normal, that small is big, that fullness is fat. And it's been with me for so, so long. It's as if...as if it really has become part of me.
But no - it may be part of me alright. But I am not going to completely and wholly defined by my ED. At the moment I feel like my head is a battlefield of conflicting, furious emotions. And I suppose a battle is taking place inside me - between the real Emmy and the ED. And I am more determined than ever before to not be the first to surrender this time.
I just wish it wasn't this hard...those lyrics of that Coldplay song The Scientist really ring true for me now. Nobody said it was easy. But no one ever said it would be so hard. This morning was just a prime example. I had my first snack of the day, toast and lots of peanut butter...fine. And then I wanted to walk. (or should that be...my ED wanted me to walk?) And I was seized with a sudden fit of anxiety. I knew I couldn't...that I shouldn't...but I felt as if I was being consumed by a desperate, irresistible pull to slip on my shoes and pound down the lane and never look back...to walk away from all my cares and tread them into dust beneath my feet.
I can do it...
I CAN eat all that yummy, gorgeous food. What's the worst that can happen...it will make me strong and healthy.
I am pretty. True, my belly is full...it might be rather bloated right now but that won't be forever. I have big blue eyes and pretty dark blonde hair with the fair streaks in it.
Why not give that a try? I know, I never used to like it a s a child, but...people's tastebuds do change over time.
I AM going to have a bit more bread. A bit more cheese. A big chocolate Oreo to dip in my hot chocolate. I am worth it. I deserve to eat the foods I love.
I'm trying...and learning...to replace that voice with an entirely different one...my own voice! And the voices of my family and friends and my readers...all gently directing me towards making the right choices. If only, this demon of mine can be just driven out of me in the blink of an eye, like the real ones you read about in horror stories and such like: when a demon or fiend is exorcised from a possessed victim. But this isn't quite so simple as that...no. But am I a victim...am I possessed? Not anymore, I say. And one day the voice will be driven away forever...I believe that now with all my heart. One day I will be haunted for no longer.