At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...
I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)
Wednesday, 12 November 2014
Dear Every Body...I'm sorry.
I want to address this post to a number of bodies...because I know now something that, not quite so long ago, I would never, never have even considered.
That by not eating properly and starving myself, by letting my ED take control and make my decisions for me, that by slowly letting myself diminish into nothing but a skeleton...that I was doing so, so much harm to a number of human bodies...both in my life, and outside of it.
So today I just wanted to say sorry...sorry for everything I did. To all those bodies. I know I was wrong. I would do anything, give anything to transport myself back in time and change everything...but I know that that is impossible. So all I can do now is, to face my fears and take this one huge big step..or should I say, leap.
First and foremost...to everybody in my family, and my circles of friends.
For having to put up with my tears, my stress, my fits of panic and anxiety...for all the heartbreak, the anxiety and the worry, the feelings of helplessness and frustration I caused you for the past 8 years in which I have had my eating disorder...I will never, never be able to fully express how much it pains me now to think of what I dragged you through. For all the lies and deceit I made up to keep you from knowing the awful truth about my relationship with food and eating. For all those times when you encouraged me to eat and to take care of myself; and for how, each time you did so, I thoughtlessly ignored your advice, oblivious to your concern and your mental anguish as I continued on my self-paved path of destruction.
And yet, all this you endured and still, you refused to give up on me. You continued to love and care for me for all that time that I had my eating disorder...and now, as I tentatively make my way towards recovery once again, you are still there for me, supporting me every day, reminding me that I am not alone, that I am not a lost cause, offering me a shoulder to cry on, a warm hug, an attentive ear to which I can pour out the troubles of my heart to. for this and so much more...I love you all so, so much <3 <3 <3 and I am going to get better, for you...I know that this will never serve to make up for what I did. Though if there is just one small thing within my power that I can do, I know that this is it...and this time, I am never, ever going to look back. I will want to let you down ever again.
And I also want to say sorry to the bodies out there that I don't know...but who I now want to reach out to in this blog post. I know that there are so many, many people out there who may have - or still are - suffering from an eating disorder. And sadly, I know that there are probably some who will be, in the future, touched by this awful disease too. I know that I can't blame myself for becoming sick, for allowing my body to take on the appearance of a skeleton...but I do feel as if I could have tired harder to fight back my condition before now. And there were - I know myself - countless, countless times when I did claim to myself that I would eat better and stop restricting. But these fleeting moments of good intention never lasted very long and I would always, a few days after I made such assertions, revert back to my normal ways. And so I became thinner and thinner and thinner, and my ED became stronger and stronger and stronger. I was, slowly but surely, killing myself. I was permitting my ED to destroy me...I was, through my refusing to fight back, allowing my story to become one of defeat...and example of how EDs can, and will, kill the sufferer. And that, I believe, would have sent out a terrible, tragic, and very, very negative message.
Because I know now that they can and will be beaten.
But I just want to say sorry with all my heart. Sorry for nearly becoming that girl who allowed the ED to win...sorry for coming so, so close to testifying that an ED can be fatal.
And finally, to my own body...I know I abused you. I know I put you through hell, every single living day when I was in the grip of my ED.
I forced you to walk hours upon end in the lashing rain and cold winds...even when you were screaming at me to stop. I just ignored your cries for help.
I deprived you of the vital nourishment you needed to function and properly grow. I took no heed of you when you were staving...I denied you of one of your most basic and fundamental needs.
I ran you to the point of exhaustion...I wouldn't let you rest or sleep. I let you become fragile, bruised, unprotected...I wouldn't enable you to develop the vital protection you desperately needed, to cover up all the delicate organs and bones.
I promise that I will never mistreat you in such an abusive and damaging way ever, ever again.
Dear Every Body, I am so, so sorry...please forgive me. And know that I am going to put everything...heart and soul...into becoming better again. I promise.