At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Tuesday, 25 November 2014

A new day...and a new determination to beat my ED...FOREVER. :)

It's a beautiful new morning of a beautiful new day. The grass of my garden is covered with a sparkly, glistening cover of dew as if a hand reached down from the heavens and scattered a multitude of tiny diamonds on the grass.
 The last of autumn's leaves shiver on the now almost bare branches of the beech trees, some surrendering themselves to the caress of the breeze and letting themselves drift gently downwards to nestle in the coppery carpet beneath each parent tree. The hawthorn and the holly are laden with blood-red berries; the blackthorn proudly bares its blue-black sloes.
 Another beautiful new day in this beautiful, wonderful world.
 And I am happy to be here today, a living, breathing organism. Being able to see all of these things around me with my own eyes. Being able to walk amongst those trees and hedgerows, hear the birds calling sweetly, feel the cold air nip at my ears and redden my cheeks.

If I had given in to my eating disorder...well, I would certainly not have been able to do any of these things here today.
 If I don't continue to fight this said eating disorder... well it's more than likely I won't be able to do any of those things ever again, either.
 Rather, in either case, instead of being here at home where I belong, surrounded by the beauty and splendour of nature, with my loved ones near me and my friends, and with my kitchen door ever open for me to happily pass through, where I can carelessly spend hour upon hour kneading dough and mixing cake batter and splodging my faithful, white-washed apron with yet even more unsightly stains...instead of being here, if I just give in now, well, I know all too well where I will end up.

(me and Benny...that was about three years ago now. The summer before I went to college and started restricting and starving myself.

I know is, well, a race against time I guess. My eating disorder assessment will be in at least a month's time my doctor told me. So....there is still time. If I take care of myself now, fight my ED with every fibre of my being, eat plenty and regularly, and limit my exercise to just gentle, 5 minute walks with Benny in the little paddock beside our house...then I might still have a chance. 
 I might not have to go into hospital, where I know I will be very, very unhappy. I know, if I do end up there, it will be for the will be where I can get the help, the support, the medical attention that I need, if my test results dictate that that is what I need. But no one wants to end up in hospital. No one wants to have to sit around all day with nurses constantly watching you, making sure you eat. No one wants to be monitored twenty-four seven and have people stare at you as you eat your meals. No one wants to be taken away from their home and the people and animals they love.

And so let the battle commence. I've made my decision, now...I am not going to let this shitty disease win. I am absolutely determined to prove to my doctor that I can do this. That I don't need to be hospitalised...that with the out-patient support, I will become healthy again, and fix up my messed-up mindset, as well as restore my weight.

I can do this...I know that I can, and will, be strong. My body may be weak but my will to succeed is anything but. So no more tears. No more stressing and fits of crying and weeping and telling myself that I am useless and worthless and that I can't do it. it is undefeatable. It is NOT. And I am going to prove it to everyone. To my loved ones, to my doctors, to the whole world...and to, of course, myself. :)

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