At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...
I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)
Saturday, 22 November 2014
No, more. :'(
So there will be no more sitting in stuffy lecture rooms with my eyelids feelings like weights as I struggle just to merely stay awake, let alone focus on what the lecturer is saying.
So there will be no more walking through that splendid Front Arch in the mornings on a clear day, and seeing that majestic domed sepulchre rise in front of me, proud and sublime against the pale blue of the sky. No more staring at that symbol of human excellence and accomplishment, and feeling that all-too-familiar, crushing sense of despair that always wells up inside me as I contemplate its greatness. I shouldn't be here.
What am I doing here?
I don't deserve to be here.
No...there will be no more of that. No more of that, because...I won't be there anymore. I had my third doctor appointment yesterday. Yes, I have gained weight since I was last there. Two kilograms so to speak. But my doctor has told me that I can't go on like this. I have to pull out for the year. In the upcoming weeks I am going to have to go to the hospital in Sandyford to have what he entitled as an "eating disorder reassessment" test done.
Depending on how bad they think my situation is...I am either going to be hospitalised, or receive out-patient treatment through eating disorder therapy clinics and counselling.
And so, no more am I allowed to be in control of my recovery...it it well and truly out of my hands. No more am I under any illusions about the extent to which I have damaged my body. And the weight I have gained over summer, over the past few months, even - no, it's still not enough. It wasn't enough to save me from this. Even though it feels like, to me, I am eating more food now than I ever did before this happened...well, let me tell you, it felt yesterday as if all of that didn't matter, at all. It was like I was being treated like an anorexic living off salad and rice cakes or something...that's how it feels for me, now. Despite everything which I thought, I had achieved. How do I feel right now? Well, it's a multi-faceted answer. Confused. Angry. Bitter. Miserable, wretched. Desperate Disbelieving. And above all...guilty. Confused because I don't understand why I am still so underweight...why I am supposedly in such danger, despite the fact I am eating, I am enjoying food, I WANT to gain weight. Angry at myself for not trying harder, for what I did in the past that has, obviously completely messed up my liver, my hormones, my ovaries...everything. Desperate and wretched because I thought I was on the way to being healthy...I thought I could do this, alone. And guilty, of course, because I feel as if I have let my loved ones down so, so badly, this time. To be honest it's hard to pinpoint which I feel the strongest right now...my head is like a battle field of conflicting, jarring emotions.
I just...I just don't understand. What has happened to me? Why I am still at such a low weight? Despite everything I have done, am doing? Perhaps...perhaps I have so badly damaged my body for the past, what, 8 years. That is is actually unable to repair itself, to gain weight? Or perhaps I am not better, and to say I am eating "properly" is a lie...maybe I am not? Maybe what I eat isn't "Normal eating" ?? What is normal eating? Maybe I am just so entrenched in this mess, I can't distinguish anything at all...my ED has robbed me of my mental faculties...I'm just a body, a small, weak one of that, with an ED stuck in her head ruling everything that body does. Nothing more? Has the real Emmy really been lost forever? :(