At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Saturday, 22 November 2014

No, more. :'(

 So there will be no more sitting at my little study desk at home, crying endless tears over my uncompleted college work.
 So there will be no more sitting in stuffy lecture rooms with my eyelids feelings like weights as I struggle just to merely stay awake, let alone focus on what the lecturer is saying.
 So there will be no more walking through that splendid Front Arch in the mornings on a clear day, and seeing that majestic domed sepulchre rise in front of me, proud and sublime against the pale blue of the sky. No more staring at that symbol of human excellence and accomplishment, and feeling that all-too-familiar, crushing sense of despair that always wells up inside me as I contemplate its greatness. I shouldn't be here. 
What am I doing here?
I don't deserve to be here.

No...there will be no more of that. No more of that, because...I won't be there anymore. I had my third doctor appointment yesterday. Yes, I have gained weight since I was last there. Two kilograms so to speak. But my doctor has told me that I can't go on like this. I have to pull out for the year. In the upcoming weeks I am going to have to go to the hospital in Sandyford to have what he entitled as an "eating disorder reassessment" test done.
 Depending on how bad they think my situation is...I am either going to be hospitalised, or receive out-patient treatment through eating disorder therapy clinics and counselling.
 And so, no more am I allowed to be in control of my it well and truly out of my hands. No more am I under any illusions about the extent to which I have damaged my body. And the weight I have gained over summer, over the past few months, even - no, it's still not enough. It wasn't enough to save me from this. Even though it feels like, to me,  I am eating more food now than I ever did before this happened...well, let me tell you, it felt yesterday as if all of that didn't matter, at all. It was like I was being treated like an anorexic living off salad and rice cakes or something...that's how it feels for me, now. Despite everything which I thought, I had achieved. How do I feel right now? Well, it's a multi-faceted answer. Confused. Angry. Bitter. Miserable, wretched. Desperate Disbelieving. And above all...guilty. Confused because I don't understand why I am still so underweight...why I am supposedly in such danger, despite the fact I am eating, I am enjoying food, I WANT to gain weight. Angry at myself for not trying harder, for what I did in the past that has, obviously completely messed up my liver, my hormones, my ovaries...everything. Desperate and wretched because I thought I was on the way to being healthy...I thought I could do this, alone. And guilty, of course, because I feel as if I have let my loved ones down so, so badly, this time. To be honest it's hard to pinpoint which I feel the strongest right head is like a battle field of conflicting, jarring emotions.

I just...I just don't understand. What has happened to me? Why I am still at such a low weight? Despite everything I have done, am doing? Perhaps...perhaps I have so badly damaged my body for the past, what, 8 years. That is is actually unable to repair itself, to gain weight? Or perhaps I am not better, and to say I am eating "properly" is a lie...maybe I am not? Maybe what I eat isn't "Normal eating" ?? What is normal eating? Maybe I am just so entrenched in this mess, I can't distinguish anything at ED has robbed me of my mental faculties...I'm just a body, a small, weak one of that, with an ED stuck in her head ruling everything that body does. Nothing more? Has the real Emmy really been lost forever? :(


  1. Oooooooh Emmy :( :-* <3
    No noooooonooo, never say something like that hun ;) You did well ;) ALWAYS ;) you did what was possible for you, I am sure of that :D you are such an admirable person and achieved so much, ust keep it up :(
    I hardly can´t imagine how mean it must be to you to stop your studies as I feel the same according to mine :( I hope you can deal with it :( I would love to help you, but why do you exactly have to stoooop doing them? :( Oh hun, I hooooope you know I am always there for you if you need someone to tak too ;) I hope you don´t give in,you are such a strong fighter and it is so cool how you manage all your things ;) see the progress you already made and the REAL EMMY is still here!!!!! If you need any help, simply write me, I´ll be here for you ;) and keep us updated ;)
    Sending you lots of love and please don´t let this f*** illness win!!!!!
    xxx Ange

    1. Aww Ange! Thank you so much, hun <3 I am sorry, I know this is a very disheartening post. I know there is hope hun. I just feel very confused, as I don't feel as if I need to go into hospital..but maybe I do? I just don't know. But anyway, I have no choice now, I suppose...they are going to do the deciding now :(
      Oh no hun, to be honest hun, I am sort of relieved that I have been told to stop my studies..I was learning nothing hun, literally. I was too stressed and I could never focus. I really, really admire you hun for your determination in keeping up your studies and being able to focus on your recovery at the same time. That is such courage and bravery hun!! You should be so proud!
      Aww Ange thank you so so much hun :* you have no idea how much that means to me <3 Oh no hun, I am determined not to give up...I just feel hun as because of my low weight, people are inclined to think that I am not fighting, at all..but its not true, I do want to gain weight, I do want to eat and enjoy food again and I want to kick the ED in the butt. And I am ALWAYS here for you too hun! I promise a more positive post tomorrow <3 ;) lots and lots of love from Ireland hun!! xxxxxx

  2. Ohh Emmy you sound so nice and sweet ;) I know that there is HOPE too, and you should believe in you ;) Take a look back at all the various things you already achieved and I think you are such a though fighter :) Honestly!!!! I am also happy to read your newer posts, which really sound positiv and I am sure you are on the right way :) I would wish it so much for you, that you haven´t got to go to hospital, and I probably think you can do it with your new meal plan :) hopefully it works for you =)
    But I am an optimistic, because I think you and your hot chocolate can´t be without each other and if you keep to it, you will succeed ;)hahaa <3
    Aaaaaw*_*thanks so much, but of course I am either not sure if I can keep it up, too, because it gets really stressing by times:) hopefully I can keep it up, but I am so proud of you for doing this decision, because it shows you honestly try now to get healthy again and want to win against your ED
    Oh yeeees Emmy, I absolutely believe you ;) I am always the same :( because I look so skinny still, people often think I would´t eat, but they have no idea of our struggles, right? ;)
    Aaaaaw thank you Emmy <3 means so much for me having someone to talk to in the same stage of recovery ;) so thank you :)
    xxx Ange and lots of xxxx

    1. hey hun <3 aww thank you so much Ange <3 I am feeling alot more postive now! I am just going to try my best and eat as well as I can between now and this test thing hun :/ I don't won't to end up in hospital :(
      It is hun, I can't agree more - after writing my new meal plan I felt so positive but then the first day of it hun, I felt so full and awful and I paniced and thought, gosh, I'm never going to be able to eat all this food. But I did though! Even though the "voice" was screaming at me not to. Aww hun I really feel for you <3 I know exactly what you are going through. It is so, so hard. But I believe in you too hun, you are so beautiful and strong and so brave, and such an inspiration to me. <3
      I know hun exactly what you mean :( in my head I am not skinny anymore, as I know I have gained weight and I am a afraid to gain more. And I really felt like I was eating very well, more than I ever have done. But it still isn't enough and it makes it very hard!
      But we can do it hun <3 and I love talking to you too hun, you are so wise, so sweet and thoughtful and give such heartfelt, wonderful advice ! Lots of love too hun <3 Have a brilliant weekend <3 I'm just going to go and have a hot choc now! ;) xxxxxxxx

    2. Heiiii Sweetie ;)
      Yeeeeah you definitively are on the right way Emmy, I am very proud of you =) your posts sound so much positive now and I believe in you ;) you won´t have to go to any hospital, you are such a tough fighter and we caaaaan do it!!!! ;)
      Oh wooow, look you can eat all the food on your plan, I know so much how hard it is :( and how much willpower is needed to beat this stupid voice :(
      Aaaaaw*_* Emmy you are so nice, and you also keep me going by your honest comments and words on my blog ;) so thanks for always being here for me:)
      Yees, I know those thoughts, that you think you ate such a huge amount of food and feel bloated or fat, but maybe it is only because you drank much or something like this :( I also hate these feelings, especially at the end of the day I hate having a snack at night :( what do you prefer for that? =) I always am battling with myself at this point :(
      Oh your words and compliments really touch me :) so nice to hear from such a special and friendly person as yyou are :) Hahaaa you are soo sweet ;) wish you such a nice evening enjoying your hot choc ;) keep it up girl, you are worth it ;)
      xxx Greeeeeeeeeeetings from Germany ;) <3
      Aaaah by the way:
      Just wanted to ask you whether you have an instagram account? =) Only interested if you don´t mind ;)
      Ange xxx

    3. Awww hey Ange hun <3 :*
      Awww thank you so much for sucha lovely comment again hun!! <3 I'm trying my best to be positive hun, its so hard but I am doing my best! :)
      Well at night hun, I have dinner not until 8.00 pm and then at 9.00 I have my pudding hun ;) and then at 10.30 I have my hot choc ;) and then I sit up for a little while and don't go to bed till about 11.30. So by then I don't feel so full and that always helps hun! Try to eat things you like for your night snack hun if you struggle to eat then? Nutella and toast maybe hun? ;) try asking yourself hun, why you feel fearful of eating at night..what will happen if you do? It is no different then eating in the morning, in the afternoon etc.. though try as well hun if you are nervous, of having a little snack then that's not too hard on your stomach maybe, and having a bigger snack in the morning, or when you are more hungry?

      Awwwww thanks so much hun <3 I hope you are doing well too hun <3 and that you are still getting through those Nutella jars hun ;) Aww no hun I don't :( I am on Facebook though hun. Are you on that? Lots and lots of love from Ireland hun!! Stay strong and never give up hun, and don't forget I am always here for you <3 xxxxxxx