At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Thursday, 6 November 2014

I'm going to give this my best shot. :)

I know my last post was a little depressing, and I am sorry for that :( is ok. I am over that now. I could have just have given in. That would have been the easy option. I could have let that sense of despair consume me, just like the eating disorder did...I could have just have submitted myself to misery and hopelessness.
But I think if I had done that...well I wouldnt feel justified in sittinge here right now (hot choc and oreos to hand, of course ;) ) writing my Cocoa-Stained Apron. Because my blog is NOT a blog which tells the story of a girl who let her eating disorder triumph. No...that is exactly the opposite to what I want My Cocoa-Stained Apron to stand for. :)
On the contrary, I want My Cocoa-Stained Apron to represent, alongside a love of chocolate and baking (haha the actual marks on my real apron hanging in the kitchen drawer is the real evidence for that ;) ...that despite all the odds, the hardship and the tears, the slips and the falls and those horrible feelings of despair and this is useless...this is hopeless...I can't go on... yes, despite all that, we can, and will, win against this piece of shit. We just need to fight for it every single hour of every single day...
 An ED might have taken away alot from might have made robbed you of your physical strength, your confidence, your happiness. For me, I have lost alot. My confidence, my self-esteem, my ability to walk properly. Lots of chances of meeting new people and making new friends. My studious mindset and being able to achieve academically.
 Yes, I have lost alot....but I know that if I fight bak now I can reclaim back my life.
 Never are strong and beautiful and brave. What you are doing is quite possibly the hardest and most courageous thing you might ever, ever do in your whole entire life...

 This is me...small, skinny Emily! Yes, I know, anyone would think I am still in school...I've become so used to people looking flabbergasted when I tell them my actual age (ie. at college, on the train, when meeting friends of friends...) that the whole reassertion thing when they express incredulity has become very boring indeed.
 Isn'tr it time I end that? Being the skinny one? The one who always has to rummage and rummage through the coat hangers in Penneys because I can't find the size 6 as that's the only one that's small enough for me. Being the one who still can't sit in a restaurant with family or friends and enjoy herself because she is worrying about how big the portion is going to be. The one who makes people wince when they give her a hug because my back is still too bony.

 The past few days have been rough. Blow after blow after horrible blow...I feel as if I've been hit in the face repeatedly from all sides. First the doctor visit and the news about my bmi. My injured foot and leg and not being able to walk. Being monitored and forbidden to exercise. College work and the return of those old feelings of uselessness and worthlessness which, at one time, were everyday familiarity to me...

But I've sprung up again after every blow, just like that gorgeous sponge cake springs back beneath your fingertip when you test it for doneness. Then you smile and know that it's ready...just like I am smiling now and saying that I am completely and entirely drive out my ED forever from my life. :)

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