At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Wednesday, 26 November 2014

My NEW meal plan (again!! ;) ) but never still includes hot choc!! ;)

Well OF COURSE it does. ;) why shouldn't it? I'm still sticking to my old argument that my hot choc IS helping me in my gradual weight increase. After all there's lots of protein and calcium in all that milk. :)

I sat and thought a bit about how I could increase my food intake yesterday. And was hard, to swallow the fact that in order to gain more, that means yet even more food, more fullness, more anxiety...I would need to be stronger and braver than I ever had been before. I admit, I freely admit, I felt very afraid and apprehensive and, at one point, pretty defeatist. I can't increase it any more. I feel sick and bloated enough at the moment as it is. I can't gain anymore than I already's unfair of the, to think I should or can. I can't!!! I was on the verge of tears again but I opened up to Mam and felt an immense sense of relief afterwards. Then I turned on my laptop, looked at my Cocoa-Stained Apron, and read the supportive, kind, motivating mail and comments from my lovely, lovely readers (you know who you are <3 ), and then I chatted to my friends on Facebook...and I thought...everyone is behind you, can't turn back now. They want you to be strong, they know you can beat this!! And I DON'T, as I've said before, want my Cocoa-Stained Apron to become a blog that tells the story of a girl who failed. Who failed to conquer her demons and just gave in to the voices in her head.

it's hard of course, to make a meal plan for yourself, without the advice of a dietician or a doctor...but this is only temporary, of course. Once I'm getting the medical advice and support I need, I will receive professional advice on what I actually need to eat more of in order to further restore my weight and help nurse my body back to full health. But for now, I suppose, I just need to focus on eating wel, regularly, and plenty. And yes, of course I can eat the foods I love the most. Hot choc being one of those, of course. :)

So here is my new meal plan. Looking at it now, it is hard to believe that, less than half a year ago, the same girl who is now following this little dietary menu of her own creation assumed it was perfectly ok to walk about 2 hours a day and live off, most days, a meagre bowl of cereal, skimmed milk, fruit, a dry bread roll, a miniscule bowl of pasta in the evening, and maybe a bit of chocolate or ice cream. It really is hard to believe, that I WAS that same girl...and I know that, whatever happens to me now, I never want to go back there again. That wasn't a life...and I was more closer to death than I ever, ever could have comprehended. And I realise that fully now. I know I need food, I know I need to gain, and  I know, every time I sit down to tuck into a delicious meal or snuggle up on the sofa with my hot choc and biccies or my snack...that my body is silently thanking me, for learning to take care of it once again. :)

Emmy’s Yummy New Meal Plan.
7.00 – 8.00 Protein-type snack. Either...
·         Bowl of cereal
·         Bowl of porridge/ready-brek
·         1 slice toast + peanut butter
·         Homemade brown/rye/spelt/soda/milk etc.  bread  + peanut butter (1 or 2 pieces depending on size)
·         Bagel + peanut butter (seeded ones are good for protein!! J )
·         1 boiled egg – soft or hard boiled.
9.15 – 10.15 Breakfast. Usually might have this option as it is wthout a doubt my favourite <3 though now and again, maybe I might try having cereal for protein snack and have an egg on a piece of toast for brek, yum yum. J
·         1 slice wholemeal/wholegrain/multigrain/seeded toast and peanut butter (about 1 tbsp)
·         Good bowl of cereal (2 weetabix or equivalent of) or small bowl porridge/ready-brek.
11.00 – 12.45 Hot choc with full-fat milk. (or on Monday might have another protein snack because mammy isn’t there to make hot choc… :p (I know, that makes me sound very lazy indeed. But noone makes hot choc quite like Mammy does. ;) )
14.00-14.30 Lunch.
·         1 brown submarine roll/1 toasted white submarine roll/1 soft crusty roll/1 mini baguette/wholemeal bread/wholemeal toast/bagel/wholemeal bap/soda bread with…
·         Protein filling: Ham/Turkey/Chicken/Tuna/Pink salmon/Cheddar/Soft boiled egg/Hardboiled egg/poached egg/Mozzarella/Goat’s cheese/Baked beans/some kind of soup with…
·         A little salad: usually tomato, but beetroot etc is nice too. J
·         Afterwards: 125 g full fat yoghurt/banana/apple/melon/pear/toasted cashews/almonds
16.00 Little snack: apple/banana/melon/pear/toasted cashews/almonds/125g full fat yoghurt
17.00-18.30 Hot choc/Ovaltine/Horlicks + little snack.
·         Biccies (of course. :p)
·         Toasted cashews
·         Almonds
·         Homemade Soda/milk/spelt/rye/brown bread with peanut butter
·         3 tbsp homemade granola
·         Homemade granola bar
·         Toast + peanut butter
·         Small bowl of cereal
19.30 – 21.00 Dinner + banana pudding. Dinner for me varies. it might be some kind of pasta - tuna and pesto, lasagne, bacon and tomato, tuna and mozzarella, salmon, etc....  - with bread and salad. Or it might be chicken, fish, or quorn with potatoes and vegetables. It varies all the time really. And pudding, haha well that usually is my all time favorutie combination...chopped banana, custard or icecream, and lots of chocolate sprinkled on top. :)
22.00 – 23.00 Hot choc/Ovaltine/Horlicks. J

Snack ideas for when in the car etc. J
·         Goat’s cheese bun + peanut butter
·         ½ can rice pudding/homemade rice pudding
·         Wholemeal scone + jam
·         Fruit scone + jam
·         Teacake + jam/honey
·         Cereal bar
·         Granola bar
·         Ice cream (bowl or cone)
·         Hot cross bun + jam
·         Blueberry muffin
·         Peanut butter cupcake

·         Pack of Belvitas.

Now at one time, eating all of this would have been unthinkable to me. And yesterday when I wrote all this I had my doubts..that voice was telling me, no, how could you eat all that. But screw the voice...I know I need food, I know I need to eat - regularly, well, and plenty. And there is absolutely NOTHING here that I don't like. So that makes it that one bit easier. So instead of sitting around worrying and feeling sorry for myself I am just going to try and make the most of the time I have left before my take the time to focus on myself, to do the things I enjoy doing, to try new foods and help my body get used to eating just that bit more, the crucial bit more that it needs. :)


  1. Well done Sweety, it is a bg hard step increasing your meal plan, but I am sure you will cope fine!! Good luck
    Lots ofnp love Livvy
    Stay strong :)

    1. <3 aww Livvy, thank you so much! It was, and still is, very hard to eat that bit more - every day I find I am tempted not to - but so far I have managed to resist the voice and I haven't missed out on anything! I am really hoping it will get easier soon, I think I am gradually beginning to get used to it :) your support means the world to me hun, thanks a million <3 Love emmy xxxx