I sat and thought a bit about how I could increase my food intake yesterday. And yep...it was hard, to swallow the fact that in order to gain more, that means yet even more food, more fullness, more anxiety...I would need to be stronger and braver than I ever had been before. I admit, I freely admit, I felt very afraid and apprehensive and, at one point, pretty defeatist. I can't increase it any more. I feel sick and bloated enough at the moment as it is. I can't gain anymore than I already have...it's unfair of the, to think I should or can. I can't!!! I was on the verge of tears again but I opened up to Mam and felt an immense sense of relief afterwards. Then I turned on my laptop, looked at my Cocoa-Stained Apron, and read the supportive, kind, motivating mail and comments from my lovely, lovely readers (you know who you are <3 ), and then I chatted to my friends on Facebook...and I thought...everyone is behind you, Emmy...you can't turn back now. They want you to be strong, they know you can beat this!! And I DON'T, as I've said before, want my Cocoa-Stained Apron to become a blog that tells the story of a girl who failed. Who failed to conquer her demons and just gave in to the voices in her head.
it's hard of course, to make a meal plan for yourself, without the advice of a dietician or a doctor...but this is only temporary, of course. Once I'm getting the medical advice and support I need, I will receive professional advice on what I actually need to eat more of in order to further restore my weight and help nurse my body back to full health. But for now, I suppose, I just need to focus on eating wel, regularly, and plenty. And yes, of course I can eat the foods I love the most. Hot choc being one of those, of course. :)
So here is my new meal plan. Looking at it now, it is hard to believe that, less than half a year ago, the same girl who is now following this little dietary menu of her own creation assumed it was perfectly ok to walk about 2 hours a day and live off, most days, a meagre bowl of cereal, skimmed milk, fruit, a dry bread roll, a miniscule bowl of pasta in the evening, and maybe a bit of chocolate or ice cream. It really is hard to believe, that I WAS that same girl...and I know that, whatever happens to me now, I never want to go back there again. That wasn't a life...and I was more closer to death than I ever, ever could have comprehended. And I realise that fully now. I know I need food, I know I need to gain, and I know, every time I sit down to tuck into a delicious meal or snuggle up on the sofa with my hot choc and biccies or my snack...that my body is silently thanking me, for learning to take care of it once again. :)
Now at one time, eating all of this would have been unthinkable to me. And yesterday when I wrote all this I had my doubts..that voice was telling me, no, how could you eat all that. But screw the voice...I know I need food, I know I need to eat - regularly, well, and plenty. And there is absolutely NOTHING here that I don't like. So that makes it that one bit easier. So instead of sitting around worrying and feeling sorry for myself I am just going to try and make the most of the time I have left before my assessment...to take the time to focus on myself, to do the things I enjoy doing, to try new foods and help my body get used to eating just that bit more, the crucial bit more that it needs. :)