At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...
I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)
Sunday, 23 November 2014
So here I stand. here is the decision I have to make right here, right now. Here are the paths which I can choose to tread.
I can choose...to stay the way I am at the moment. Half-recovered, I guess. Though over the past few days it feels like, to me, there is absolutely nothing "half" about it. For to me, now it seems like everything I thought I had achieved...has been for nothing. I'm still underweight, my body is still very much in danger, my bmi is too low and I have to gain more weight. And this time...I won't be able to do it, the way I want to...no. I screwed my chance at that. There are going to be hospital visits and weight checks and doctors peering over my shoulder all the time, telling me that I must eat this and I must not do that. And I know, they are going to do everything they can...to help me. But at the same time I want to cry with frustration and despair that despite everything I did...the weight I have gained since the day I told myself Emily, stop kidding yourself...you have an eating disorder.... despite all of that, I am still being told I have to go into hospital.
Anyway, as I was saying, I can choose to stay at this weight, this shape, and go on living life the way it has been for the past few months, since I started to try and fight back my ED. My weight? About 40 kg. My height I don't know, but trust me it's not much.
40 kg. At a guess, over the past few months I've gained about 5 to 7 kilograms. But it is still not enough.
I was happy that I had gained weight. I thought I had succeeded. Truly, I did. But it feels to me, sitting here today, as if nothing was further from the truth. :( From what they are telling me. From what the next few weeks, months, years..(?) are going to involve, for me.
And then there was what crossed my mind on Friday, sitting on the bus home after my doctor's appointment, watching the rain fall gently against the window and snake down in little riverlets to the pane, not unlike my own tears as they slowly coursed down my face. That being...I don't want to go through this, anymore. I just want it to end. I don't want to eat anymore...I don't deserve to live. I just want to vanish off the face of this earth forever. I want to become sick, really, really sick...so sick I can and never will recover. I just want my life to end.
Or. I CAN choose to get better and recover. To gain more weight. To let it all go...to entrust myself completely to my doctors. To go and get the help and treatment that I need...though there is an enormous part of me which is telling me that it is not what I need. but no - is that part of me the part which is dominated by the ED, still? I just don't know, anymore. I just don't know.
And I KNOW what path I need to take, of course. On Friday I was consumed with guilt, sorrow, despair. I just felt as if my existence was worthless. I just thought...that all of these helping hands being extended towards me right now...I am not worth their time, their effort, their money. That I am a lost cause...I was brave, but not brave enough. I made some big changes...but what was required were enormous changes which I was too scared to make.
And so here I am today standing at the crossroads. And I know which way I need to go. I am going to take that road with my head held high. I will draw on the courage, the strength of purpose, and the determination that brought me this far - that prevented me, those few months ago, from well and truly giving in to my ED...from letting it destroy me. And I was very very close, I realise that now. If my body is in trouble now...well, this proves to me two things. That a few months ago, I was much, much closer to tragedy than I ever, every comprehended. And that now, having gained weight and to be forced to recognise that my body is still at enormous risk...well, I guess that manifests the extent to which I really did damage myself. In a way in which my body can't simply fix itself, on its own. It needs help and it needs it right now.
I'm only human. And I have made so many, many mistakes. Mistakes which now I regret with all my heart. I know I have made a mess of, well, pretty much everything. But I know that I can be strong. I have to be...and I will be. Right now, the easiest thing for me to do would be to give in, give up, for ever. because I have been trying to do this...for well, 8 years. Nearly half of my whole entire life, I have been struggling against an ED. Ever since I left the idyllic happiness of my childhood and entered into the troubles and trials of young adulthood.
I will be strong, I will be brave. And I know, I have all the help anyone could ever ask for. I know that life is never going to be one completely smooth road, but I hope that the time will come when there will be no more crossroads quite like this one. When I will be able to look at my life and at how far I have come, and say, with a smile on my face, that...I did it. And now, I am healthy, properly healthy - no strings attached. Now I have finally found happiness.