That much hasn't changed, for the past few years. Mallorca last year, going back to Trinity, deciding on whether or not to open up about my struggles or not. So many different decisions and choices, most of which involved alot of stress, alot of worry, alot of tears, even pain, because choosing, was just so, so hard.
So many, many decisions, so many choices...each and every one, which have impacted, in their own individual ways, upon my life.
But none of them, not one of them, can be equated to the one which faces me now.
It is the one which I know I cannot afford to hide from; one which I essentially cannot put off for another single day. And I know that there is no escaping it: or the hard, cold truth, of this one single fact. That this is the choice, the choice of which is going to have the biggest and most fundamental effect upon my future, my body, my life. Not just for short term. For years and years to come. For the rest of the days which I spend upon this earth as a living, breathing human being.
Late last night, when the rest of my loved ones had long retired to bed, I found myself still sitting up by the hearth in the front room, staring motionlessly into the weakly glowing, dying embers of the fire; a fire which had been so beautiful, so warm, so powerful in its former fiery vividness, with its golden-orange flames of liquid amber which leapt and danced upon the smoking logs. but yet now those flames had disintegrated into nothing but smoky, weakly glowing embers and sooty ashes; ashes which gave off as little heat as they did of light. A gradual chill began to descend upon the room, a chill which was pronounced and augmented by the now bare, empty corner where only just a day ago, the Christmas tree had stood in all of its regal glory, brightly lit and glowing, with as much warmth and radiance as that which had blossomed and bloomed in the fireplace, hours before the chill had began to tighten its hold.
But now there was no tree, no warm and blazing flames. My body suddenly felt so unprotected, vulnerable, fragile. I hugged my arms to my chest, feeling chilled to the very marrow of every bone.
But there was something else that was haunting me, then, freezing the blood in every vein, I felt as if an ice cold, cruelly hand had tightened itself around my heart in one crushing, bloodless grip.
Because I know that, essentially, I have a choice to make, now. A decision which I cannot put off for any longer; a choice, which can be made by no single other person but me.
Because this...this is it.
This is the choice I have to make. Right here, right now.
i can choose to recover, and reach, an accept, a healthy weight for my body.
Or...I can choose...to stay the same.
To stay the same. Entrapped, within the prison created by my eating disorder. To remain at a weight which isn't healthy for my body. To remain...sick.
And deep down, I know. I know what the consequences will be, if I were to take that path.
Depression, and despair, and isolation.
Ruined bones. A fragile, delicate, unhealthy body, damaged beyond repair. Too weak and broken to do the things that I love.
Dry, cracked skin. hair loss.
Exhaustion, fatigue, no energy to do anything.
Inability to focus, concentrate. Unable to think about anything, anything but those consuming, terrible, self-destructive thoughts.
And some of these, I have already experienced, for myself. Am experiencing. The days when I do not have this thick, heavy, suffocating black cloud of fogginess hanging over me, blocking out the light and enveloping me in darkness, are few and far between. I smile and try to put on a cheery face, not wanting my loved ones to see the pain that I conceal inside, locked away in the deepest and darkest part of my heart. Because of my eating disorder, I have become an extremely negative, self-conscious, lonely girl who is dependent on others to look out for her. College, once again, has proven to be a complete and utter disaster for me. I'm due to start next term on the 18th of this month, but to be brutally honest, I think it's highly unlikely that I have actually passed the first term. I have two essays to hand in next week...two essays, and to just look at them breaks my heart, because I know that they are not enough. Not enough, to reach the high standards demanded by Trinity.
And then...then, there is the loneliness. The isolation that my eating disorder has brought me...this is one of the hardest parts. Being in such a big, bustling university, surrounded by dozens upon dozens of bright-eyed, intelligent, sophisticated young people who appear to have the world at their feet. They go around in their groups of friends, talking and laughing and conversing, planning their next night out, arguing over where the best place is to go for lunch. But me...I am removed, from all that. To me, Trinity is a place of loneliness and bitter memories.
And it's true that ED is very good, at making me close my eyes to it. It'll be ok, Emmy. Sure of course being underweight has its negatives. But it's better than weight gain, right? I mean, look how ugly you looked over the summer..!
And even if I were to make it manageable....a life, a life with an eating disorder. But what is to stop me, from falling, falling down, down and down into that yawning abyss, to hit the terrible, razor sharp rocks at the very bottom?
Do I want to live my life on a precipice?
And to go along that wrong path now...
Like the dying remnants of that fire,
I know that I will lose all my strength, all my light, everything that I have.
I am so, so glad that I finally found that inner strength deep within me, to make that decision back in November to fight for my recovery once again and prevent my relapse from deteriorating into something far, far more serious. Because that, after all, is exactly what could have happened.
I hope...I hope that through my recovery, I will be able to forge myself a new life path. One upon which I will be free from this loneliness, this feeling of inadequacy, of self-hate. One in which I will feel accepted by others as well as myself. One upon which...I will experience some kind of..freedom.
But I know that none of that will ever be possible, if I choose to remain the same, and not change. i don't know where I am really going right now, what 2016 is going to bring me. I might well fail college, and have to drop out. The loneliness might never truly leave me. Maybe I will be forever lost in these foggy, dark clouds. But all I know is...I am the one who has to make this choice. And I choose to give this recovery all I have got. I have made my choice and I have embarked upon that path, once again. The one which leads up this long, steep, hard, lonely mountain. And though the top of that mountain is distant, unknown, unfamiliar...I am prepared now to do what it takes, to get there. Because I know, without one shard of uncertainty, what a wrong choice right now will bring me. So I am going to stumble on right now, through the darkness and the fog...because I have made my choice, right now, and I am committed to it. because this, essentially, is a choice between life and death.
I have made my decision...
And this time, I will, no matter what, be turned back. <3 xxx