At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Friday, 8 January 2016

It's over, Ed...and you don't have anywhere else left to hide...

You left me feeling so helpless... 

You never showed one shard of remorse, one single drop of pity...

It was as if I was being hunted...hunted by a voice, inside my very own head. Bent on my own destruction. Because that's what you wanted, Ed. You wanted to destroy me..

But now it's time for me to e the stronger one...
And you, you are the one who is going to be hunted.
And I won't stop or give up till I have sought you out and destroyed you completely.

We cannot survive with each other, you and I...
This, is where our relationship ends. 

Just some of my thoughts, on my way home from Dublin yesterday evening, sitting curled up on the half-empty, soporifically warm train, alone with just my thoughts and my little writing journal.

And before I knew it, I had began to write: transcribing those thoughts onto paper, another blog post already beginning to take form within my mind.

It had been a truly lovely, beautiful day. One which had challenged me, in many respects: but the fact that I had overcome that challenge, filled me with a renewed sense of hope; a strength which lightened my heart and lightened the heavy weights pressing down upon my shoulders. And it was a day upon which I had learned things, important things. Important things about myself, my recovery, and ED.

Yesterday, I went up to Dublin to see one of my closest and dearest friends who has, particularly since my relapse, been so, so supportive to me in regard to my recovery, and who has been consistently and unfalteringly stuck by me in my darkest and most lowest of days, when everything appeared so bleak and hopeless and futile, and all I wanted to do was curl myself up into a ball on the floor and close my eyes in the hope that I would never again wake up.In those moments, she was always there for me; even though she lives miles away and her life and work schedule are busy and jam-packed. But yet, despite all that, she has never failed to be there for me to offer a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, heartfelt and supportive advice and encouragement. A gentle, but firm push in the right direction, whenever she feels that I need a bit more than to get me back on the right track. And one of the many, many things that makes her so special to me, is her honesty, her openness, her sincerity.  I know that when she tells me something, that something will consist of the pure, unabridged, simple truth: nothing added, nothing concealed. Nothing is ever left unsaid between us.

Prior to Thursday, I had messaged my friend asking her what times of the morning would suit her for me to drop in, and we had settled on around 10 am, depending on whether or not my train got in on time (the chances of which were, of course, extremely unlikely: Iarnoid Eireann do their utmost best, of course, but I can't honestly say I remember the last time I got to my destination no less than 5 minutes late, unfortunately... ;) ). 10am...a time which, for me, marked a very important time of the day: the time when I would usually have my morning hot chocolate.. ;)

Now, I know that, for my non-Irish readers anyway, Insomnia coffee chain is something you will most likely not be familiar with. Anyway, I'm not going to make this post an advert for Insomnia or anything, but what I am going to say here is: if you, like me, are a bit of a self-confessed hot chocaholic, and you happen ever to visit Ireland some time and you pass an Insomnia coffee shop: just please GO IN THERE. Because their hot chocolate simply is... made in HEAVEN. I think they must use real melted milk choc in it or something (correction: I can confirm, that they do...I watched the lady who served me on Thursday ladle a generous spoonful of divine, satiny, glossy melted choc into the cup before she added in the milk...) and the resulting concoction is a smooth, gloriously creamy, indulgently thick hot chocolate which, quite simply, is enough to melt the heart of any diehard chocaholic, as effectively as the chocolate shards sprinkled over the top of the cup are melted and liquified by the hot milk... ;)

Anyway, to go back the original topic of this long-winded post. Now as I was siting there texting my friend, an all too familiar debate of sorts was currently ongoing in my head. Me, my own voice: and the voice of my eating disorder, of course...

Em. Get a hot choc before you go up to the apartment. Insomnia, Em. Your favourite! You've fought hard this week. You deserve it...

No. NO. No, you do not deserve it. Why would you deserve it? And drink too much hot choc. You need to give it a break, Em. And you'll save a it of bob by not having one. Don't, Em. You'll be grand. Not sticking to the meal plan for just one day won't harm you.

No. No..I want to stick to my meal plan. I want to maintain the good work that I've started, now. And sure, what difference will three euro make? It'll be worth it, Em. Your readers will be proud. You can do this, Em. You can. Don't - listen - to - the Voice...

No, no, NO! You shall not have it! No, you greedy, selfish girl! Sugar addict! You can't go without one hot choc for just one single bloody morning - ?!

I felt a sudden surge of angry desperation. I was so, so tired, of this. This noise, this constant exchange of heated, furious dictations, in my head. And suddenly I had grasped onto that sense of anger, and hate -  the hatred, for my eating disorder - and I was texting my friend and teling her that yes, 10 am was the time i would usually have a hot choc. And perhaps, before I came up to her, I would pop into Insomnia and get myself one? My friend was quick to urge me on, encouraging me to do exactly that and commending me for being so strong. "But make sure you get one now Emmy. I'll be checking when you come in!" And so...yes. I had done it. I had won another victory against my eating disorder...with the help and support of my friend. And so, subsequently, on Thursday morning the Ganache Elf was coming out of the Insomnia near Heuston Station, clutching in one gloved hand a cup of the best hot choc in town. And they even still had the Christmassy themed cups, which quite honestly are so adorable and made the smile upon my face even wider. A smile brought about through the knowledge that yes, I was doing the right thing. I was being strong against my eating disorder, and had taken yet another little step up the long and steeply sloping mountain.

And so: to summarise. In recovery, it's so, so important, to ensure that you are consistently "on your guard" for the various traps and snares left for you y your eating disorder, which is willing to adopt any strategy to get you caught up once again in its , and that you expose the ground upon which your eating disorder flourished and thrived; so that it is left right out there in the it pretty much, has not one single place left for it to hide. You have to hunt it down in order for it to be destroyed. But, like the pod of dolphins working together in the ocean, hunting out the shoal of fish, this is not something you should be expected to do alone. reach out to others and ask for their support. If you know that breakfast is something you struggle with...then make sure you let someone know and get them to have it with you (if possible, maybe they could have the same sort of food as you?) Or if you have a tendency to miss out on snacks. Then tell a supportive friend or family member, go out and buy yourself some nice snacks that you know that you like and will enjoy, and make it clear to others that this is what you intend to have. The more people you let in, the more support you will have and the eating disorder will have less and less places to hide.

Now, this post has got way too long already so I am going to sign off now!! But I have alot more to say on this topic and in one of my upcoming posts I would love to share with you some of my tips for exposing/hunting out ED and ED habits/behaviours.

Take that, ED!! Heaven in a Christmassy Cup!! <3 xxx


  1. YEAHH TAKE THAT ED, EMMY IS WINNING!!!!!!!!! I'm so super proud of you for ploughing on through, despite how strong the voice of ED was. You make me wish I liked hot chocolate by your description! Keep on thriving, you're doing so well! Can't wait to read about and see photographic evidence of more of your wonderfully fabulous achievements! <3 xxxxxxxx

    1. <3 oh my goodness hun thank you so SO much- you have no idea how happy your comment made me this morning! I felt a bit silly writing this post originally you see hun - Im a bit modest by nature I suppose - but now I am so glad that I did!! ;)Thanks a million dear, I really hope you are getting on ok, please stay strong for me <3 and yes I PROMISE to keep on snapping away with my camera hun! All my love to you dear! <3 xxx

  2. OOOOOOOOOH my hunnybun ;) <3 I am so so so PROUD of you for this ;) this is such a huge step ;) I know how hard it can be and so this is fantastic you really did it ;) this is my hot-choc girliiiie ;) being in Dublin with you this year I definitively want you to tug me inside this beautiful cafe, okaaay? ;) Promise me this my dear ;) I am so happy for you, you definitively are so much on the right track ;) no more Miss Mager ;) goooooogirl ;) Love uuuuu <3

    1. <3 awww sweetpea thank you so so much :* and I PROMISE you this huni, when you come over to visit me we will go into Insomnia and get lovely lovely hot choc <3 It will be a truly special hot choc hun having you there with me <3 go US huni we are so going to smash Miss Mager this year and all her stupid rules!! We can do this huni we are the Nutella and hot choc girlies ;) <3 love you to bits hun <3 xxxxx

  3. Thanks for this motivation to keep on fighting. Today is a hard day for me not to listen to this killing voice in my head and your post was like a beam of light in the darkness.
    You are such a great friend, love and hugs, Maria

    1. <3 oh hun, to hear that warmed my heart so much. I am so, so glad I can help you in some way, I really hope you can keep going hun and stay strong with me, we can do this together, you are never alone in this fight.
      all my love dear <3 xxx

  4. Emily, you are just so ...cute...sorry, really, it is unbelievebally sad that such a wunderful person is tortured by "THEVOICE"...grrrr...Dear, go on fighting, you will do it, one day it will have to shut up!!!hugs and kisses, Theresa

    1. <3 thank you hun <3 I won't stop fighting hun, don't worry...I am stronger now and Ed won't bring me down again, won't bring us down...please stay strong with me hun, the Voice is not invincible, we can and will beat it! Al my love <3 xxx

  5. What an achievement!!!! So proud. You are strong Emily, this is the first step. I know how hard to not listen to the voice but you are AMAZING. Everyone is cheering for you gorgeous. Keep it up honey xx

    1. <3 thank you so, so much hun, that meant so much to me...reading such supportive, encouraging words fills me with courage and strength and a determination to keep fighting on. Thank you with all my heart dear. All my love to you <3 xxx