At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Sunday, 10 January 2016

Take that,'re losing! :D Review of Week 1's progress! ;)

Hi everyone!!! <3

I thought it might be a good idea for me to write little updates every week on my blog, where I can review the progress I have made over the past week, reflect on how things went, and then finally make the all-important goals for the upcoming week and think about what and how I can improve on anything which didn't go quite according to plan.

And it makes me so, so happy to say this, but this week was actually, in terms of recovery, a really, really good week - quite possibly, the best I have had since embarking upon this journey of overcoming the relapse once again. I feel that this week, I have made real and concrete progress.And on top of that, I can honestly say, I have really, enjoyed the foods that I ate this week; and there was, especially towards the latter end of the week, a good few times when I was able to penetrate through the foggy envelope of weighty sadness which sometimes seems to be so integrally part of me, and catch a glimpse of real,untainted, true happiness. Like walking in the mountains with Mam and Benny yesterday,  just as the sun was beginning to slowly slip downwards towards the western horizon, through a sky streaked with clouds of purply greys and soft, creamy hues of lavender.
The view from the top of Capard <3

And so, if you recall from my earlier post, I planned to tackle a minumm of three ED rules for each week, taking each of them in this challenging yet fairly manageable approach until each and every one of them are completely and wholly wiped out. And so, how did I fare this week with my goals?

1.) To be talkative and chatty at dinnertime....
I had made this one my priority, as over Christmas there were a good few meals at which I was unable to talk or make any kind of conversation with my loved ones, as I was just so overcome with anxiety and could not bring myself to speak a single word as a way of coping. But this week, I have tried really, really hard to dispense with this: and thankfully, I succeeded. I did my bbest to ignore the anxiety and the constant, cruel taunts of ED in my head during the meal, and focus instead on talking and listening to my family, asking them how their days wen, offering my views on the film we watched over the weekend, and anything else that really popped into my head at the time. Now all I need to do is keep this up. Some of the meals were more challenging than others, its true to say, but I just kept on telling myself, this is my goal I can and will do I got through them all, and consequently afterwards, felt so much better in myself.
yesterday, during our walk, I opened up to Mam about how I had been making ED goals and explained how I had been trying very hard to be talkative at mealtimes this week as my top goal. Mam had smiled and squeezed my hand and had told me that yes, she had noticed and she thought I had done very well, gently encouraging me to keep up the good work and to persist in my steadfastness against the Voice. Her words meant the world to me, and made me feel as if I really had achieved something, and had made all my hard work worthwhile.

2.) To Ensure I have enough of the protein filling at lunchtime.
This one, I got on okayish, with, but I still think there is room for a little bit of improvement, though, when it comes to making lunch for myself. When Mam is around, it's fine as we would make the lunch together in the kitchen (lunch eing, usually in my house, consisting of rolls or baguettes or bread, which could be filled with whatever happens to be lurking in the fridge, whether that be boiled eggs chopped up with a dollop of mayo, tuna out the tin mixed with some canned sweetcorn, sliced ham or the leftovers of the chicken from the other night, and then of course lots of yummy vegetables like tomatoes or beetroot and so forth. ). And the past few weeks I have happily let Mam make my own one, and then that's fine: I eat it, I enjoy it, and I know that I am getting plenty enough, as Mam's sandwiches are always prper sandwiches and don't cut corners when it comes to fillings. But its when I make it myself..thats the thing I need to address, here. And this week, when I was making my lunch, I did try to stop and think: is that enough? What would Mam think? Is that an accetable amount?
So I did alright, but, I still dont think I was completely successful in this, either. Not as much as I wanted to be. The days mam was working when I made lunch alone, it's true to say that i certainly did put more cheese in then a few measly scraps, as i used to do. but still..was it enough?!! I guess its sort of hard for me, especially with cheese...what exactly IS enough? :( Any thoughts/advice on this would very much be appreciated <3

3.) Cleaning of plate and bbowl at dinner...
cleanng of my dessert bowl , I seem to have knocked this one on the head for good, Im pleased to say -compare this to about afew month ago, when the habit of leaving alot of custard and chooclate in my bowl was firmly established. I didn't fare too badly with the plate either: no prompting required this week to "eat that fish up emmy!" etc :D ! but as with the other goals, I know that I need to maintain this and not just let the good habit slip after only spending a week working on it.

And also, on top of all of that, I had a number of other ED victories which have served to further strengthen my resolve and contribute to my newfound sense of control over ED. These included having an Insomnia on Thursday, despite ED's efforts to try and convince me not to treat myself, as outlined in my previous post ;) . Also, on Friday evening, Mam made  a very creamy smoked haddock risotto for dinner, which at first, when I realised earlier that was what she was going to be making, did cause the ED voice to start playing up in my head (I am not a fan of smoked fish at all, and I knew that there was a good bit of cream in the recipe, as well as butter. So unsurprisingly, ED was trying to make me very anxious. Which I first. But by the time dinner came round...I actually felt pretty calm, in control, of my own self. And you know what? I managed it very well AND I still spoke and chatted away at the table!! AND I ate it all! Yay! Take that, Ed, you loser... POW!
and also, last but certainly not least...
Ganache Elf has found a new snack to have with her afternoon hot choc...something which I have never had efore until friday afternoon..but which I can honestly say I have fallen head over heels in love with now ;) that being.. toasted crumpets!! <3
Yes yes YES... here is my absolutely scrumptious afternoon snack from Friday (and I had the same for yesterday's as well!!) - a lovely hot crumpet, toasted and buttered and, err, peanut buttered by Mam (thank you Mam <3 ), accompanied, of course, by my usual afternoon hot choc. Oh my goodness - noone ever told me just how gorgeous these things are..I have been so missing out BIGTIME up till this point in my life! :p One things for sure, I think these will definitely be a regular addition to Mammy's shopping trolley now...or perhaps I should invest in some crumpet rings and endeavour to make my own!!! ;)

And are my Goals for Week 2...
1.) Continue to focus on putting in enough protein in my rolls etc. at lunchtime..and also to try to vary the filling every day. I think what's best to do is write it all out in my food diary so I know exactly what I'm doing.
2.) Continue with the cleaning of the plate/bowl until I have completely mastered it, and also...
3.) And I might talk further about this in an individual post, but I think it might be time for me to try and incorporate that morning snack into my meal plan, to have with my morning hot choc...
I know that that is going to bbe hard, though, and will be a massive challenge in itself for me. But I know that I have to try.

An just one more thing before I sign off...thank you so, so much for the kind, lovely, encouraging words of support left on my last post from Friday. They all meant so so much to me and I really can't even begin to thank you enough. I feel so, so lucky to have such thoughtful, caring and supportive readers and I truly feel that if it were not for you and your continuous and compassionate imparting of advice, insight, and support, I would never have made as much progress as I have done over the past few weeks and months. Thank you so, so much. You are just all so amazing. <3 (im all tearful and emotional now!! :'( <3 xxxx


  1. Thanks Emmy, your posts helped me to survive a horrible weekend, everything went wrong and I don't know what to do to resist the destructive voice in my head. Your words were healing and I am so glad that you made so much progress.
    Love and thanks, Maria

    1. aww hun, i am so so sorry to hear that :'( please, don't give in now hun. You have come too far to just give in. This is the way recovery goes - ups and downs, unfortunately :( please don't ever think that I am finding it all plain sailing - I am certainly not and that's one of the hardest things to accept about recovery, that it is hard, painful and difficult. But this is where we just have to be strong and move forward, regardless of any mistakes we have made. It's never too late to change. Don't let one single bad weekend hold you back hun. It's a new day tomorrow and I know you can get back on track, please bbelieve in yourself and fight that Voice. I am always here for you dear <3 good night and good luck hun <3 xxx

  2. You've done amazingly Emmy! With number 2, you say that you're still struggling, why don't you weigh out quantities, rather than doing it by sight? Then you can weigh it out (or count a specific number of slices of cheese etc.) and know if you've got enough filling or not. Just a suggestion...

    I'm so unbelievably proud of you! I knew you could do it, such an inspiration! You're going to soar up high onwards and upwards this year I just know it, I can see it in the strength you have. Good luck with next week's goals, you can do it Emmy! Keep fighting and stay strong. Sending you much love and hugs xxxxxxxxxx

  3. <3 oh hun thank you so so much I appreciate that so much <3 and yes hun, I agree with might be for the best. I think for now it is better to have something concrete to go by, rather than just judging it visually I know myself hun, doing it that way is just a bit too risky at the moment as it would be so easy to be swayed by ED..
    Thank you so, so much for your continuous support hun, your comments always make me smile and feel so motivated and determined to carry on, thank you hun <3 <3 <3 all my love back to you dear! take care :* xxxxx