At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Monday, 18 January 2016

Review of Week 2...and taking the next massive leap...

So it's that time of the week again... when I review how I got on with my weekly goals and reflect on how they went, before looking toward the following week and deciding on what I am going to tackle or address next.

So, starting with Week 2's goals. (in LIST form, of course. ;)

1. ) Enough protein in rolls at lunch, and vary filling every day.

I did okay-ish with this was easier this week as Mam was not working a good few of the days, and we made lunch together and I didn't have any problems then. As for variety, I alternated between fillings of ham, cheese, and tuna mayonnaise during the week, so that was all good. I did intend to have egg or salmon one of the days, though, so that will have to be done next week.

Of course three out of the four days I was on my own and I think I did alright..those days were the days I had the ham, because it was easier tio know what amount to have.. I definitely think this is something I should still keep working on though, so I am definitely going to make this my goal again this week, until I feel a bit more happier with it.

2.) Continue with the cleaning of the plate/bowl until I feel as if I have made a good, substantial improvement on this ED habit.

Happy enough with this. Again, one or two nights, Mam did have to prompt me...but I'll keep on trying, and trying, and trying. I know that this habit is going to take ALOT of working's been established now for as longas I can remember, but no way does that mean that it can;t be broken down.

3.) And the final goal was something which I didn't achieve last week, but which I want to talk about further now. That being, the increasing of the meal plan.

I know it's been well over two months now, since I openly acknowledged the fact that yes, ED had dealt me a hard, hard blow, this time, and that I had fallen. Fallen, into the cold, dark, razor-lined pit, the pit which many of us term as the relapse. A slippery-bottomed, steeply sided, hostile pit...which, only a few months ago, now, appeared so overwhelming, so  immensely, terribly deep. And one which was impossible to climb out of: one which I believed I would remain entrapped within, forever.

But then I realised, I was wrong.

I realised then that I do have the strength to overcome this...

And even though ED will try to hold me down, keep me ensnared within this hole.

I can be stronger, we can be stronger.

Overall, it wasn't too bad a week at all...I went for Insomnia AGAIN last Wednesday, I've been blissfully munching on toasted crumpets with pb every day this weekend for my afternoon snack <3. and I've stil been trying very hard to keep up the good work at dinner, cleaning my plate and talking with my loved ones..and on Friday mam and I went walking and it was just so, so beautiful, in every single possible way. And it felt so right, to talk to Mam, and tell her some of the secrets I hide deep inside. Afterwards, I felt so much stronger, as if my strength had been renewed.

Also, the meal plan (in full) has gone onto the noticeboard in the kitchen, with little memos on it to keep me focused and motivated. So no more cheating. No more excuses. No more giving in to ED...I need to move forwards now, take the next huge, terrifiying, but ultimately crucial leap.

To be brave and strong, like my Benny... <3

Goals for Week 3...
  • Increase my meal plan and follow it precisely, no exceptions.
  • Continue to focus on protein at lunch, and varying the fillings too. Wednesday is my egg day!!! I boiled some on Sunday and they are not in a bowl in the fridge ready for consumption!! ;)
  • The spreading of the food around the plate at dinner: something else that needs to be eradicated.
We are stronger than we think... <3 xxx


  1. You always help me so much to focus on my goal, my healthy life and to keep on fighting. We have to be strong if we want to survive, because the voice wants to kill us. But promise me that you will never give up, you are such a dear friend and you are such an important role model for me to follow, I believe in you!
    Love and a bear hug, Maria

    1. <3 oh hun thank you so so much for such a sweet comment <3 I am so, so glad I can help you hun, that is what I am here for - and everything you say is so so true!! We both must stay strong together now hun, for the weeks and months that lie ahead. I promise you hun, as long as you promise me the exact same <3 you are such a special friend to me and to see you recover would mean more than the world to me dear <3 lots of love and hugs back Maria <3 xxx