At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Friday, 7 August 2015

Who am I without Ed...

It is a common thing for anyone suffering from an eating disorder that they feel as if their identity, their whole personality, everything which defines them, essentially - becomes directly and inexorably linked with their eating disorder. So much so, that often, the individual human being who they once saw themselves as being, the person who other people saw and knew and remembered - that person disappears, hidden away, replaced by another identity, that being an identity which is bent to the will of the eating disorder. I can definitely relate to that, because for years, my identity and my eating disorder were really, inseparable. And I did nothing to change this.

During my stay in hospital, this was one of the questions that the cbt therapist that saw me once a week tried to post to me. But at the time, you know, I was actually unable to answer. Who are you without your eating disorder, Emmy? I chose to dismiss, even ignore the question: for it came at the wrong time, a time which I was unable to properly arrange my thoughts and fight off the cloud of depression and sense of hopelessness which had overcome me during my inpatient stay, just after the diagnosis with the osteoporosis. I truly believed that, if Ed was gone, there really wouldn't be any of me left: I would be a nobody. So much of my identity seemed tied up with my eating disorder: from the things that I did every day, the way in which I lived my life; the things that I said and the way in which I saw myself, the way which I thought about myself and my position in society, in the world, in my own little anorexic bubble.

But that was the past...

and I now realise what I didn't, couldn't allow myself to see, back then, when I was that depressed, frightened, and wretched young girl in hospital. A desolate young girl with an eating disorder, who could see nothing on her horizon but siffering and bleakness. Who had, completely and wholly, lost all trace of hope.

but the way that I think about myself, how I think about my future, how I think about my place in the world, my role in it, my identity as me, Emmy - has changed. Through storms and rain and mist I have passed, but now, as I continue my slow climb upwards, I look towards the horizon once again, and I can see a beautiful new brightness, blazing, strengthning, pulsating like a beating, living heart.. At times, I even can feel it, in little dapples and fleeting touches upon my skin. These are the times like today, when I catch a glimpse of what real, true recovery is really like.

I know, deep down in my heart, that I was wrong, all those months ago, when I surrendered myself to despair and hopelessness, and believed that I was nothing without an eating disorder...

And I am reaching out with outstretched hands, to the real, true Emmy. The Emmy without an ED.

I thought in an upcoming post I would share with you how I am currently going about finding the real Emmy. It is my quest of self-discovery, upon which I am reaching out to find, the real me. <3 xxx


  1. I hope your quest to find her is a great one! <3 xoxoxoxox

    1. <3 thanks hun!!! <3 wish me luck! <3 xxx

    2. wishing you all the luck you need, and strength and courage, not that you need it, you're fabulous as you are xxxxxxxxxxxx

  2. I totally understand this. I say this all the time. WHO AM I? Of course I'm a mum, a wife, friend etc. Who am I really and what am I passionate about? What gives me joy? My doctor said to me a couple of months ago - if I had nothing to do at all what would I love to do. I just don't know. I'm excited to say that after 35 years I'm finally making headway in my head and fighting those thoughts and getting toward my goal of recovery. It's challenging, but I can't wait to find the real me. It's taken a life time of torment and Emily I'm ready to find something wonderful out there and to see myself as others see me ( not taking about weight) and know I've got so much to offer. The journey is worth it. Keeping on track honey and I pray your will see a beautiful young lady that I see who has a generous spirit and kind heart. Think of all those girls you can encourage on your journey to find EMILY. Special thoughts and love going to you.

    1. you are so insightful and the things you say really touch my heart, Sonya. thank you so so much for your message it always makes me smile to hear from you <3 I am so happy for what you have achieved here, it is truly amazing! Finding the real You IS such a wonderful part of reovery. I have been thinking alot about this over the past few days and I have already identified so many different aspects to myself, which I need to grow and nurture while simultaneously fighting ED. thank you so so much Sonya, your message as always really meant the world to me. I realy look up to you and feel so lucky to have got into contact with you. all my love back to