At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Sunday, 23 August 2015

To stand and face the storm...

Sitting on the sun-soaked grass in my garden, an all too familiar sensation bludgeons in my skull; one which I have felt so many times before, and am likely to experience countless more times in the months, the years that lie ahead of me: this is the nature of my mindset, and the way I think and react to things and situations has enabled this feeling to become almost second nature to me. Emotions roar through my head, smashing furiously against one another with all the ferocity and vicious vigour of  two armies locking together in the heat of battle. Chaffing and cutting and tearing down with every stroke. I feel like the lone soldier who has fallen on the wayside, and is now in danger of being trampled, without remorse or pity, by the flaying hooves of the enemy soldiers. For despite my best intentions, I feel at the mercy of these emotions; I am helpless to their power, their authority, their force which threatens to sweep me clean off my feet and ball me over to the ground, to be broken and snapped like a girl made of twigs.

I just feel so...lost, unsure, afraid. Afraid that, whichever path I choose to tread, I will trip and fall down the abyss that opens up before me, to be engulfed in a yawning chasm of darkness of which there can be no escape. Unsure of what paths are actually there in front of me, of where each individual path will lead, of whether I will actually be able to tread that very path, of the danger, the pitfalls, the traps which lurk around the corners of each one. And lost, so very, very lost. Because, I mean...nine months. Nine months, of worry and self-debate and painful contemplation, and this is all that I have to say for it. I still do not know which path to tread.

Do I return to Trinity this year...
Do I apply for another year off-books and defer my course for another year...
Do I withdraw from Trinity altogether?
Should I try harder than ever to find employment, or should I pursue repeating my Irish Leaving Cert in view of seeking to return to college as a mature student in 5 years time, to take up a primary school teaching degree? Is that really what I see myself to become? Do I have what it takes to become a teacher?

Big, big questions...and next to them, I feel like a small, helpless little beetle whose path has become blocked by a hulking, ugly grey stone, a stone which casts its dark shadow across the ground and prevents the little creature from moving forward upon its journey, from essentially progressing onwards with its life.

If only...if only I could somehow see into the future, to see what fate has been chosen for me. Or, even better, if only I could just go back in time and change it, change it all. I got myself into this mess, but, for the past nine years, I have wedged myself ever deeper in this pit that was dug by my very own hands. Hands that scrabble frantically at the edge, desperately seeking to find a way out, but which always, after a long struggle, lose their grip to tip me back in my little hole. I just wish, I could find that strength. That strength which sometimes I do catch glimpses of, deep within myself. But I always let that strength be diminished and overcome, by all of those inner demons which threaten to pull me down. That sense of immaturity, the perfectionism, the depression, the anxiety, the self-hatred, the lack of confidence and self-esteem. And Ed, of course, the largest and most malevolent shadow of them all, looming over me like a great black storm cloud, flanked by smaller - but no less malign - .murky grey counterparts. And those clouds gather in together, now, into one furious, terrible knot, palpable enough to destroy and crush and blow to pieces, every little thing which falls within their path. Not a single one of them can be thought of as the same, yet, they are all inexorably linked to one another. And they will join together and knock me down, unless I find the courage to stand up against them, to look deep inside myself and find that inner strength.

I know, that I can do it...

I know that I have the strength, to stand against the storm...

I know that I just have to believe in myself. To not run from the roar of the thunder, to not cower and hide from the rain.

To know that I do have the strength, to pull myself out of that hole, to feel the rain upon my skin and hear the thunder crash around me. To hear, to feel, to see...but to not be afraid.

And to walk against that storm with my head held high and to dance across the lightning bolts and the puddles which splash at my feet. And I know that with that strength, I will find my rainbow...


  1. Dearest friend, don't out yourself under that much pressure. You have won the hardest battle against ed, take yourself the time to find out who you really are, what you really want: writing your book, baking, why not break new grounds you have never thought of? Calm down, you have come so far and time will show. Be proud of what you have already reached, you are such an admirable young lady. Take care, mary

    1. <3 Mary thank you so so much you are so wise and insightful and made me feel so much calmer <3 all my love to you hun <3 xxxxxxxx

  2. Emily, the first stage is to recognise you have these thoughts. Because as you and many know we hide ourselves in our eatng disorder as to not have the pain of "Life". Emily it's taken me a lifetime to know what I want to do. 35 years on from anorexia and still recovering I'm finally doing something. I've just started a beauty diploma course and have met gorgeous girls and to my realisation they actually like me. The hardest thing is to stop questioning myself - can I do this - the answer is yes I can. So Emily my advice to you is see whats in your heart first and follow that direction and you know what if you don't like it try something else. Thats what life is - a discovery. You are a champion and now it's time to see yourself as others do. Big hugs and special thoughts xx

    1. Dear Sonya, you restore my hope that recovery is possible after so many years of suffering. I have lost hope so many times but you girls help me to believe that I will be able to defeat anorexia. Thanks to you all, Mary

    2. Sonya your advice really meant so so much to me..thank you , with all my heart. You are so wise and brave and I really look up to you <3 Both of you are amazing and I feel so lucky and privileged to have come into contact with you and share our experiences. Thank you , and all my love to both of you. <3 xxxxxxxxxx

  3. It's been a while since you've posted. I hope you're doing okay and are just enjoying a break from blogging! If not, take care of yourself and hang in there.

    1. <3 hello! oh thank you so so much for your comment and for thinking of me <3 it means the world to me <3 today was the first day in a long, long time that i clicked onto blogger. I am hoping to start again soon <3 take care, thank you so much <3 xxxx