At first glance it might seem that I am just a happy, normal girl who loves to bake and walk her dog. However, I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13. It was only in May 2014 when I realised that this Voice in my head was slowly but surely trying to kill me. And so began the long, hard, and painful journey which is recovery...

I want My Cocoa Stained Apron to be a special place...a place for reflection, memories, shared stories...and of course a little bit of cocoa-staining ;) Recovery might be the hardest thing you ever choose to do in this life. But it is also the bravest and best decision you will ever make.:)

Monday, 17 August 2015

My little snuffed out candles...

Almost a week, since I last wrote a blog post...ever since I started blogging, well over a year ago now, I don't think I have ever left such a large gap between two posts in My Cocoa Stained Apron. I could never leave off blogging for that long - a couple of days, at the most - before I found myself eagerly opening up Blogger again to compose a post, of varying length, purpose or meaning. And it didn't matter how deep my despair was, how heavy my melancholy, how bitter and choking my anger. My blog was there, a space where I could be me. Where I could reach out and touch the lives of others, simply through my words, my voice, my thoughts. Blogging became part of an everyday routine: I incorporated it into my day as you would set aside time for a shower or doing your laundry or reading before going to bed. My blog meant the world to me, and I invested into it the necessary time and dedication and energy that it needed to grow and evolve into something more than a little girl's ramblings.

But then, that hard-faced, merciless thing which is known by many as perfectionism - a thing which has held me in a snare not unlike that of Ed's: tight and cruel and binding; and seemingly, inescapable - fingered its way into my consciousness once again, touching and tainting yet another thing which, formerly, gave me so much pleasure, so much joy, so much happiness.

Because over the past few months, it has sort of hung over me...a hulking, ugly, grotesque shape which has cast its shadow upon the enjoyment, taking away the light, throwing everything into darkness.

But anyway, for months on end, I managed to keep it at bay. But this weekend, I let things get on top of me; like a snuffed out candle, my desire to blog was just...gone.

The flickering light which perfectionism had slowly but surely beginning to dim and block out, it was now extinguished entirely.

But can I relight all those candles..those bright little twinkling lights, which ED, perfectionism, depression, all snuffed out and took away.

speech and drama..

And they are just a few of many. :(

everything which I love could be taken away, if I don't fight back against perfectionism and ED. I won't have any little candles left.


  1. Soooooooo glad your back huuuuuuuni <3 :) and I totally understand what you mean :) feeling unable to express your feelings in words sometimes can be totally frustrating, but then again it makes like "klick" and you´re back on track blogging again :) SO proud of you Emmy ;) don´t let the voice bring you down, you are so much stronger ;) <3 Love u so much my hot choc gal ;)

    1. aww hun thank you so so much this means ever so much to me huni :* yes that is exactly what I was struggling with hun, and because I seemed to have this "writer's block" I just felt so angry and hateful of myself.. :'( thanks for helping me to keep my head up hun <3 love you so much too my favourite ever Nutella girleeeee <3 take care huni <3 xxxx

  2. Honey, don't be so hard on yourself. We all have struggles at times and sometimes when you think you got it covered it creeps in, self doubt, am I good enough etc. Let me say to you from my point of view is I see a beautiful young lady wth the world ahead of you. You have so much to offer. The problem is deception. We never see what others see - that's why we are here - to support, encourage push you gently to move forward. Never feel bad how you feel - it's what you do with it that matters. Pick yourself up and march ahead with your head held high. Never forget their is only one of you - which is so special. Hugs and kisses and warmest wishes x

    1. <3 Sonya thank you so so much, this message really touched my heart <3 your words are so insightful and made me feel a hundred times better. You are so right in everything you say. I am realy hoping I won't feel so critical of my blogging again , as it really does mean alot to me. all my love to you hun. <3 xxx

  3. I missed you so much, you help other people so much, your advice is needed by so many other people who are struggling and you are a role model to us all! Love and hug, Mary

    1. <3 thank you hun, this really meant so so so much to me <3 I am so happy that I can help you hun, I wish I could do more <3 hun, I got your lovely, beautiful package, I almost cried when I opened it, what a lovely surprise it made me so so happy, thanks a million hun <3 I will write to you tomorrow my dear, love you so so much <3 xxxx